Not Ashamed

So I've been debating making a post on this for quite some time now. For many, many different reasons. One because I've taken this blog and bent it in a direction that was/is focused on my working out, or lack there of lately. Two, I've gotten very good at keeping personal things personal. I try my best not to gossip about others nor do I put information out there so that others don't have the ability to gossip about me and mine.

But I've made a couple of non-specific posts on Facebook as my status lately and I've gotten mixed reactions. Most have been positive, people saying that they are thinking of Matthew and I, sending prayers... But I know some have been "scandalized" that I've put even the most generic posts up asking for prayers for Matthew as he goes through a difficult time. And I've talked with friends, and family, and I've come to realize that 1) this is a surprise for most people because I've refused to say anything for 3+ years and 2) there is this ridiculous stigma in the Military that makes it almost impossible to admit that a service member may be having a difficult time coping with what they've seen/done.

Matthew does not currently know that I'm writing this, hopefully I get to speak to him tonight and inform him. I am concerned that he will become upset that I've chosen to speak so openly about this, yet at the same time I know that we are NOT the only military family dealing with difficulties brought about by time overseas. 

I refuse to remain silent about this any longer.

My husband has Alcohol related dependency due to PTSD. IE, he drinks to pass out almost every night so that he doesn't remember the nightmares/night-terrors. 

The thing is that hardly anyone talks about the issues that exist for our Military members if they come back physically whole. Granted its hard to ignore someone's problems if they are missing a limb, but so many of our men and women fall through the cracks because their scars are not visible to the naked eye.

We've had to fight tooth and nail for a month and a half to get him back from Japan, because HE asked for help. The first 24-48 hours he felt like he was being listened to and then it turned into a waiting game... No one wanting to be responsible for the Marine who said "Hey I have a drinking problem, and I have PTSD". He was supposed to be back 2 weeks ago, and then something happened with the paperwork and his orders were canceled. Of course I'll never get the full story behind that but that was the first time I made an generic post on my status and all of a sudden help rained down around us from outside sources. I had other wives reach out and tell me that they had to fight for 2+ years to get their husband help, that they had to take them to other government bases and check them into the ER, that they are still fighting to get payment from the VA. But we had friends run up the political channel and get us contact information for the Military and Veterans Assistance Officer through the State of AK, and a Congressional Inquiry has been opened into why it took them as long as it did to get Matthew help.

*Side note, none of this is being written for sympathy for myself or Matthew. Nor am I going to go into depth on any personal issues that may have occurred pre/post incident that incited him to reach out and ask for help. This is purely about the stigma and how I think we need to raise our voices in support of our military.*

I will admit, for the last 3+ years this has been a very large elephant in the room between him and I. The drinking wears down a marriage and a friendship. I was embarrassed if we joined the neighbors for BBQ's or late night fire pits and he was catatonic by 10pm. I refused to talk with friends about it, instead choosing to laugh it off, or pretend it didn't exist.

Matthew did NOT want me talking about it to anyone because what if somehow, someway someone in his command found out about it. His career, trying to protect it, became #1 concern. Plus, "Everyone else was drinking right? All the other guys have seen stuff thats just as bad as him and they are fine, right? No one else admits to the dreams, the night terrors... They all must be fine. I can't admit to anything, I'll be seen as weak. Not a Marine."

WRONG!!!!

The thing that kills me is that so many Marine's and their families suffer in silence. Or suffer loudly. Matthew thankfully drank and passed out, while many other Marine's that I have seen drink and then get angry and loud. Maybe that is why some people were so surprised when I started talking about it... They saw him knock back a few when we would all hang out, not realizing that he does that just about every night.

Honestly though the main problem, the drinking, is directly related to the PTSD that he has. I feel like if he could get help, someone who actually listened to his problems and cared (health professional) and gave him coping mechanisms then he would learn to control the drinking. So far he's been treated generically and has been made to feel as if he isn't important, that his issues mean nothing. Yes he has done the standard "Come back from Deployment Mental Health screening" that is mandated when they get home from overseas duty, but the thing is all of them know how to pass it in a way that won't raise flags because they want to be able to stay in and not be medically separated/retired. *At this point he will probably be medically separated later this year*

The lip service that is given to the media about how much care our Veterans are receiving is crap. Yes, those who are physically injured are receiving better care than they ever have before, but 50% better still isn't fantastic considering they started at 25%. Veterans fall through the cracks everyday.

I guess that is where a lot of my personal frustration comes from. Yes, I'm pissed that they jerked Matthew around for so long, but the thing is he isn't 1 in 10,000 and accidentally fell through the cracks, but in reality his situation is much more the norm than the exception. 

I'm trying really hard right now to reign in my rant and keep this post coherent but I have so many thoughts and points floating around in my head that its very difficult. 

The main point I'm trying to get across I guess, is that I am not ashamed of Matthew asking for help. I am not ashamed to admit that my husband, the father of my child, has PTSD. I am not ashamed that I am talking openly about it, and will be posting further on it. I am not ashamed to admit that because of this our marriage has had some incredibly rocky times, and will probably continue to do so. I am not ashamed to admit that neither of us is perfect and reaching out for help needed to happen a long time ago. And I won't be made to feel ashamed to tell you that certain things will never be anyone else's business but Matthew's and mine. 

I make no promises to share any more than I already have, nor do I promise to not share a bundle more. It depends on where this program leads Matthew, and subsequently myself and Steven. 

I will say please speak out. If you know of someone who needs help, help them find it. Fight for it. Scream from the rooftops if you have to, plant your behind in someone's office until they acknowledge you. Don't let another Veteran fall through the cracks, don't let your spouse, significant other, best friend, fellow human being feel as if they are alone. Help them. Show them that there is nothing to be ashamed of.

We have asked so much from these young men and women. We have given them guns and sent them to foreign lands. Telling them don't get shot, don't get blown up... Do what you have to to come home. But when you do come home, don't admit that what you've seen is more than you can handle. Don't tell us that things we could never even dream of you've witnessed/you've done. You are a Marine. Act like one!

Now its our time to help them. To stand up and get them heard. If me sharing any of this helps one person, then I'm glad I've done it. The more voices raised in support means the greater chance we have of being heard. Now I'm going to post this before I chicken out and give into the "Don't ask, don't share." mindset again.

Raw Detox/Cleanse

So I made a decision while I was out in New Mexico visiting with my dad and step-mom, that once I got back to CA I was going to do a cleanse/detox of some sort. The last few months I've not been great about sticking to a healthy eating plan, now I'm not saying I was going crazy overboard but I definitely had let things creep back into my everyday eating patterns that shouldn't be there except as true "treats".

I chatted back and forth just a bit about it with Alyx, telling her I was thinking about doing a veggie/fruit cleanse, possibly raw, and definitely whole and juiced. We both at about the same moment said "RAW" and there you go. I'd committed with her to stop being lazy on what I'm putting into my body.

Friday we traveled home from NM and were picked up by my amazing neighbor and friend Lindsay and her son... I'd mentioned that I would treat them to Chick-fil-a as a thank you, plus it would let the boys get out and play for a bit in a contained area and we could catch up and chat a bit. And I got one more quality "bad" meal in... now Chick-fil-a is NOT bad... not compared to having a huge greasy burger from one of the many burger joints here in the USA, but you factor in my HUGE sweet tea, my large serving of fries with salt and dipping sauce, and my breaded and deep fried chicken strips and it by no means balances out with a salad.

Saturday morning I woke up and it was time to get started. I'd grocery shopped the night before after we got home and had a fridge bursting with fresh produce. And since then I've gone back Monday for a few items and again tonight for a few more. I have some tried and true juicing recipes that are quick and easy and that I tend to fall back on but I am trying to find new ones that bring a bit more "green"to the table. I'm not just juicing, but I have juiced every morning and mostly lunches so far these past 5 days.

Oh thats right! I'm on day 5 so far! I'd originally planned to make it to at least 3 days, and reassess from there... Mid day yesterday I about threw in the bowl. Because the thought of having mashed cauliflower sounded so darn good. But I didn't. At this point I'm shooting for 7-10 days, or until my body seems to hit a wall.

I am trying to also work out so I'm trying to be careful and aware of my body so that I'm still getting enough nutrients without compromising myself. Today at one point at the gym I did start to feel light headed, so I backed off intensity and changed what I was doing. Instead of the full "Burpee Heaven" that I was shooting for I switched it up to a "Mini-Burpee heaven" and I was ok with that.

I've stuck to either juices, or salads since I've started. With a couple of whole bananas thrown in the last two mornings so that I'm getting enough potassium so that I don't cramp out.

Fruits of choice (in moderation):
honey crisp apples
bananas
oranges
raspberries
blueberries
blackberries
avacado
lemon

Vegetables of choice (not limited in quantity)
Celery
carrots
chard
sweet potatoes
kale
yellow beets
mushrooms
sweet peppers
cucumbers
jicama
red cabbage
spinach
romain lettuce


Not all of these have been juiced, and not all have been put in salads. I kind of just go with the flow most of the time and put in what sounds good at the moment that I'm making my meal.

Todays post workout/late lunch juice consisted of, sweet potato, orange, chard, yellow beet, and ginger root. And tonights salad is, kale, spinach, red cabbage, jicama, cucumber. And yes thats a picture of me with the bowl o'salad that is the size of my head! Thank you amazing dinner!

This is honestly not for everyone... and I'm unsure how some people are able to live a completely raw lifestyle (I know usually it consists of more supplementing with raw nuts, etc) but still... I do know that there is a light at the end of this self imposed tunnel and I look forward to having some hot food when its done!

MDC

Probably one of the most fulfilling events that I've had the pleasure to be a part of so far in my life.

I'm so thankful for my chance meeting with Susan Tudor at C'Siren Day spa, and subsequently working for her on her "Cyclist Massage" team. It was through that connection that I got hired to work for CAF (Challenged Athletes Foundation) as a part of the MDC (Million Dollar Challenge).

October 12th I got on a plane and flew up to Santa Cruz, CA and met with 7 other Massage Therapists who were contracted for the 7 day event in which roughly 116 cyclists road 620 miles down the coast of California starting in San Francisco and ending in San Diego. That first day/night was just us MT's getting to know each other, some of us had met before others had not, and relaxing before the start to our crazy adventure the next day.

This was the 7th year that this event has taken place. The goal of CAF is to raise 1 Million dollars, thus the name of the ride, and I believe that this year had $1.4+ million dollars raised.

Challenged Athletes, such an interesting term, but one that is very apt. These are people who want to continue or have an active lifestyle despite circumstances in their life. Some are born with birth defects, others experience strokes, car accidents, or other health related difficulties, and still others are due to circumstances beyond their control such as car accidents, and/or injuries occurred while defending our nation in a time of need.

I don't know if I can begin to do this event justice. I was so blessed and so honored to be a part of it. Everyone involved was amazing from the staff to the support crew to the athletes themselves. We all had tired days, but the perseverance to push through was palpable. The riders, the reason why we were there in the first place, were the stars. They rode anywhere from 30+ miles to 100+ miles in a day through all sorts of terrain, and beautiful windy weather (I was told that this was the nicest ride in terms of ambient temperature and daily weather patterns, minus the wind). After each day's ride we, the MT's, got to work. Providing 5 hours of free 15-minute massages post ride, and then after a dinner break 2-3, 60-90 minute private massage sessions in the riders room.

I had the pleasure on working on some of the Challenged Athletes, which truth be told is something that I've always wanted to do since I decided on pursuing becoming an MT. While I'd originally thought of only Wounded Warriors, that leap is pretty easy to understand considering I've been married to a Marine for 6+ years, this opened up my eyes to the fact that there are so many other people out there who need the healing power of therapeutic touch. I had not yet had an opportunity to work with someone who had a prosthetic and or needed the aid of modified equipment to do what the rest of us probably wouldn't think twice of doing. And it was definitely a learning experience but everyone was patient and understanding.

I really want to write about some of the specific people that I met, but I'm unsure how they would react to seeing their story in my blog. Their overwhelming perseverance is something that blew me away as I watched them throughout the week. We had athletes ranging from zero physical challenges, to birth defects that meant that a leg didn't develop fully and neither did the phalanges on their hand, to a stroke surviver, and a full quadriplegic due to being involved in some sort of accident while deployed with the United States Marine Corps and all sorts of physical abilities between. There were days where they road over 100 miles, two in fact back to back, and days where the wind was so high that even though it was a relatively "shorter" day they were just as exhausted by the time they got to the end of the route. I saw people who had prosthetic legs that either clipped directly onto the bike pedals, or had a shoe on the end of it that clipped in. Bikes that were modified so that people could either remain upright, be recumbent and/or hand cycle. We had a duel recumbent bike that allowed for someone to drive the bike for our athlete who was a quadriplegic, and he had different "drivers" each day.

Watching a video of him riding down this incredible decline, getting up over 40 miles an hour, listening to the other cyclists cheer him on and hold back the cars so that he could experience that... Brought me to tears.

That is why we were there. So that CAF could help give more grants to those who really truly want and NEED it. Did you know that while most insurance companies will cover a basic prosthetic or basic mode of transportation, i.e. arm crutches, wheel chairs, etc, that they do NOT usually cover "athletic" gear because its considered a luxury?! Cheetah legs so they can run efficiently are not covered, neither are decent quality jointed prosthetic legs, modified equipment like bikes, snow boards, and the like are definitely out of the question... Which to me is so sad.

There are people out there who would probably either have never reached their full potential or ability if it were not for CAF. Take Blake Leeper for example. I had the absolute pleasure in meeting him on our last night in Dana Point, he came to speak at the dinner that was held that night and we lucked out in sharing a table with him. He was raised in TN and while he had basic prosthetics and played sports in high school he didn't have amazing equipment and knew that he could do more with the right legs. He reached out to CAF, got one of their grants for Cheetah Legs and just competed in the 2012 London Para-Olypmics winning a Silver and Gold medal. How amazing is that?! This incredibly driven young man didn't let his physical limitations hold him back, he persevered and showed us all how to get things done.

My outlook on life was drastically changed while working with these incredible Athletes for a week. I'm currently studying for my National Exam so that I can be National Certified and hopefully start moving my career in the direction of working with athletes, both Challenged an non-challenged. I will reach out to Wounded Warriors even if it is on a Volunteer basis because I do believe in the healing power of touch. I will NOT whine when things get tough. I'd say many of the people that I had the absolute pleasure of working with had been dealt a tough hand, and they not only worked with it, but they showed it who was boss.

I look forward with pleasure to hopefully be involved in many more CAF sponsored events in the future. From the MDC, if I'm asked back, to the Back2Back Century rides that they do, to the Tri events, Marathons, 5k's whatever...

I'd like to ask everyone who reads this to take a moment. Look at your life, be thankful, grateful for what you have been blessed with. If life is difficult right now remember that you can make it better. If your out on a run, or a bike ride, a walk with your children, or on your own - and things start to twinge, hurt, bother you, remember that you can do it. Take a moment, a deep breath, and have faith in yourself.

Its been a long time

Since I last wrote a blog post... I keep having these great intentions to get on here and catch up on what has been going on in my life and then I tell myself "later, I'll get to it later." and later just keeps escaping me.

So considering I just spent the last 30 minutes-ish getting Steven's Leapster Explorer connected on my laptop and the program downloaded, and then the free app uploaded to his device I decided I'd take a few minutes for myself.

I can't even begin to fully update on whats been going on in our crazy busy lives, and our lives just only seem to be more busy and crazy each and everyday. 

The last post I wrote was in September. Just after Alyx and I had been crazy and run our first Ultra-marathon (yes I said first, we've got another planned towards the end of February and I'm sure more to come after that). I hadn't yet gone and gotten my fabulous first tattoo, done by Monty at "Living Art Tattoo Gallery" here in San Clemente which I love and can't wait to go back for my next one! I also hadn't yet gone on my week long adventure with Challenged Athletes Foundation on their Million Dollar Challenge.

I think that is probably one of the biggest things that I need to update on. But after re-reading what I just wrote I've decided that I will make a separate post on that all together just because it was such an amazing adventure. Matthew left at the end of October to go to Japan for a year-ish, and I say "ish" because its guaranteed for a year with the possibility of extension through to the end of his current contract. 

Since then I've been getting back into the swing of being a single parent, I've done it before but it was when Steven was first born and his was 100% dependent on me for everything and I wasn't working or working out. So juggling life has been interesting, between jobs (not all of them understanding why things have changed or just how much in reality they really have changed) and all the day to day stuff that I now get to do 100% on my own. I don't have a partner at home who can maybe get dinner started or run a load of laundry or dishes... I'm taking care of the dog, the child, the house, the cars, and my own individual things.

I've had a few people comment on it, and not always in a positive manner. Yes I'm busy, yes if I didn't workout most everyday I would have more time, yes if I wasn't trying to accomplish at least one other NPC event this following year and a few runs thrown in there for fun then I would have more time... BUT guess what?!?!!!

None of your business! 

I do those things specifically for me. For my sanity, my happiness... and let me just say that Steven is better off having a mother who pursues her own goals and happiness outside of the family because I am a much happier person, and much calmer person when I get in my workouts and when I have goals that I am personally working towards. 

Ok so my house isn't the cleanest place you've ever seen, I have a 4.5 year old boy and a dog that sheds at least one shitzu a day in hair... I don't scrub my floor boards, and the only reason I have a pinterest account is because I've "pinned" a couple of things so I can find them more easily than doing an internet search each time I need it. I'm not a Suzy Homemaker, and I've never claimed to be. The last time I tried to live that role I started to regret my life and hate the fact that I was married and had a child - but in reality I didn't actually hate it, just the fact that I'd lost Zori so successfully in the depths of housecleaning and diaper changing. 

Life right now is nothing that I recognize from 3 months ago... And I'm trying to come to grips with that. I've had to ask people for help, and I really truly dislike asking for help... I'm the fixer. But I've had to reach out a hand to friends, and neighbors to accomplish things. I feel like there are times that I have so many things that I'm juggling that there is no possible way to accomplish it all. At the same time I'm realizing just how blessed I am having these people in my life. Friends who have stepped up and gone beyond what they really "need" to do and have helped me. 

If I've forgotten to say it, or haven't said enough. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Alyx, Hellen, Lindsay, Ari, Tracy, Patricia, Tiffany, and so many more. Thank you too your boyfriends, and husbands for helping out when I truly need a "man" to accomplish something and my grasp of "man-ness" has failed me.

I've taken as much time as I can currently. Blessings.

2 years ago

Not really sure what today's post is going to consist of, but then again I usually get sidetracked anyways so that doesn't really matter.

Tomorrow is 2 years since my Aunt passed away. It wasn't all that unexpected, she had been fighting health issues for about as long as I can remember. Had her first heart attack before she was 40, more stints than I can count, and 1 heart by-pass.

Aunt Kathy.

She was probably one of the biggest reasons why I decided to turn my life around. I don't have any memories of her truly happy. And I think a lot of that stemmed from the fact that she wasn't happy in her own skin. Between everything that she dealt with health wise, depression, knee surgeries, back surgeries, smoking, heart attacks... I realized that I didn't want that for me, and/or for my family.

Its important that I be a role model for Steven.

That being said, I've been a bit of a slacker in the role model department lately. Post NPC competition I did well for a while at keeping up with working out, but allowed a lot of things back into my diet just because "I could". I started to get unhappy with the habits that I was falling back into and then Alyx sprung the Ultra-Marathon on me. To start cutting things at that point, could have been detrimental for my body, considering I needed stores of fats and carbs for my body to burn during the run.

I'm by no means saying "I'm fat", I'm just not 100% happy with where I am right now. And all it is going to take is some easy fixes. I've allowed way too many sweets back in my life, with the justification of, "I'm going to the gym." And knowing that I'm carb sensitive I've still allowed a lot of processed/complex carbs back into my diet.

I've been thinking about it and I do want to do another competition again here in the near future, but to even get back to Pre-competition training status I probably need to cut about 6-8 pounds from my frame so that I'm not battling that within an 8-10 week timeframe. More than likely I'll try and compete either the end of this year, or the beginning of 2013.

So I just need to go back to cleaner eating, lean proteins, veggies, and fruits... Nothing drastic, no severe cutting of calories, just clean.

I like the fact that for the most part my level of fitness allows me to partake in a variety of physical activities. I did/can do again an NPC event, ran two Tough Mudders, and an Ultra-Marathon. I'd like to run more events in the next 12-18 months (the current timeframe I'm working with because of the uncertainty of life and the USMC).

Not only do I want to do more events, but I'd like to go on more adventures with Steven. Show him more of Southern California, and the surrounding states. He's got so much energy, and so far very little fear of life that I think its the perfect time to help him expand his adventurous side. Sports, hiking, camping, exploring... We've decided on home-schooling for pre-school. I'm helping with the supply side of things, and Lindsey is going to be doing the actual teaching with the boys... This benefits us in a couple of ways. If I decide to travel with him I'm not pulling him out of an actual school, he gets to spend the day with his best friend, he's right next door so that if something happens I'm available, plus its not a "half-day" which breaks down into a 3 hour, 2-3 days a week program so that I can keep working and not have to cut my hours to that time frame.

A lot is going to change this next year, I can't even begin to think about how different our life is going to be come the end of October. But I will look on it positively without fear, because if I go into it fearing the outcome then only the worst can happen to the 3 of us. Within the next week or so I hope to have a rough plan for the next few months, just so that we have goals/deadlines for certain things.

We'll see where this next year takes me, and my family. Thankfully I've been lucky so far to have the support that I've gotten from my family and friends.

I miss my Aunt. She taught me many life lessons, introduced me to real music, helped grow my love of pretty sparkly jewelry, and the fact that I need to appreciate life everyday because you never know when life is going to change/end. I guess what my ramblings are trying to put out into the universe is that we need to work on being happy in our lives. In ways that are important to us. To not let other's around us determine what it is that we "should" be doing, or how we "should" be living. If you are happy with the path that your life is taking, really and truly happy, then that is all that should matter. I've been blessed in finding friends lately who are interested in the same things as me, and that I've found hobbies/goals that make me happy.

Looking back where I was even 3 years ago, I was unhappy in my life. And not that I wasn't blessed with Matthew and Steven and a supportive family - but that I was unhappy with me. It took a few months, false starts and stops, to find a direction in my life that allowed me to find happiness within myself. And I've been blessed enough that my family so far has supported me in these choices. And that I've found friends who support me.

Whether or not you understand why I choose to do what I do, realize that pursuing these goals truly makes me happy. Some of them seem far fetched, or insane to those who have never felt the need to go run 31+ miles in one stretch. Or if you've never felt the desire to walk across the stage in a bikini... But I have done both of those, and I want to do them again.

We have all found our selves in places that we don't recognize, and its only through our own strengths, courage, and conviction that we are able to muscle our way back to a path that we are happy with. I only wish that my Aunt had found a way to a happier life path before her life ended at such an early age.

So I'm going to end this post with a question. Are YOU on a path that brings you joy, happiness, and contentedness at the end of the day?

Life

Has gotten ridiculous lately... I keep having these fly by thoughts of things I'd like to post, and then I don't make the time to get on here and write them.

Like this past weekend, I ran my first Ultra-Marathon.

It was a 50k.

As in a little over 31 miles of running trails... It took my BFF and I just under 8 hours to do so. And I can't begin to tell you what happened while running. 8 hours of talking, laughing, sharing secrets, stories, bits and pieces of our past that we've never gotten around to, God, life, future plans, people we love, people we can't stand (in general and in specifics), motivating each of us through our "walls" that we hit... And guess what?! When we got done we both looked at each other and said

"Well, we could have done that faster!"

But we still had gas left in the tank which was perfect considering we had a 6.5 hour drive home still to do. Oh! The race was right near Oakland, CA so its not like it was in our backyard...

I woke up Sunday morning scared to move... I was afraid if I moved the wrong way, stretched the wrong muscle, or blinked that I might turn into one gigantic muscle cramp. Surprisingly enough I was more tired than sore. Granted bits of me let me know that they hurt, but nothing was so much that I couldn't function. Monday morning was a little bit of a different story, second day soreness kicked in full-force, but I'd committed to going back to my old job in Irvine and covering a shift for another MT so as long as I kept moving I did alright.

So besides the ridiculousness of the fact that I just ran a 50k - btw, outside of the Tough Mudder I've NEVER run a sanctioned run (other than a 5k). No 10k, 1/2 Marathon, 30K, or Full-Marathon... So instead of dipping my toe in the pool, I jumped in head first into the deep end!
And the fact that I think we will be running another 50k in the near future, and talks of doing a "Rim to Rim to Rim" run at the Grand Canyon has been tossed around...

The other ridiculousness in my life includes, Steven hopefully starting Pre-school this year, Matthew leaving the end of October for a year to Japan unaccompanied, and me balancing all my jobs! First I say hopefully because apparently my procrastination didn't get the memo that if you want your child on the "definitely" list you've got to get them signed up practically a year in advance (or maybe its because I'm not from California and I've never had to deal with their system yet)... So we are on the "wait and see" list, not that I'm not stressed out by that at all :-/

Now I've been getting two reactions from people when they find out that not only is Matthew going to Japan for a year, but he's going without us. Either its very blase (because they are Marines, or married to one) or they get all up in arms. Let me set people straight. I'm NOT happy that he is leaving for a year without us. BUT he isn't deploying to a war zone. We did a 12.5 month deployment to Iraq the last time he left, and I was 7.5 months pregnant with Steven... He didn't have a chance to meet him until he was almost 5 months old. He lived on OP's that didn't have real chow halls, showers, or shitters. His life was on the line every single day that he was deployed. This time around he will be on a set base, no one will be trying to kill him, he'll have a room to himself, real food, real showers, real bathrooms (no piss tubes and wag bags).

How we'll handle this year apart is up to us. Feel free to inquire if you feel you have a right to know our private life.

My biggest concern is Steven. He's been going through a clingy phase and as it is some mornings when he wakes up and Matthew is already gone to work he's distraught. I know we'll survive it, but I don't look forward to trying to have to explain to a 4 year-old why Daddy isn't coming home tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day.

As to my jobs, I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to condense them... For a while it felt like I wasn't hardly working at all, but within the last 3/4 weeks its definitely picked up... I've got the spa, DrS's, private clients, FRS, Cyclist Massage... And still trying to balance everything so that I actually spend time with my boys. While I love all of them, I'm going to have to change a lot of this once Matthew leaves because I wont have the luxury of knowing that he'll be home with Steven while I'm off working crazy hours.

I really need to get the materials together that I need to study for my Nationals, because I really like the idea of trying to get hired with the Wounded Warriors on base. If I can find something that is Mon-Friday set schedule, making enough $ to justify childcare costs then I'd be all for it.

We'll see where the next couple of weeks finds us. At the moment I need to jump off of here, and turn on some music and start doing a deep clean on our place. I was spoiled in the 12 days that my mom came to visit and the fact that even though I was crazy busy our house got cleaned up everyday! Plus if I turn on some music of my own maybe I can block out the OBNOXIOUS base line from my neighbor across the street.

Blessings all.

Tough Mudder and FRS

This past weekend I had an amazing opportunity... I got to run the Tough Mudder again!

 I ran it last May 29th (the "Frozen Sunday") and it was so cold! 30* at the starting line, and they say 10* at the summit... All I know is that I got snowed on, and while I managed to finish it took me just around 4 hours...

This year I was determined that since it was in July that I would shoot for 3ish hours, less if I could manage it.

My best friend Alyx and I got a chance to run with the FRS running team. I was a sponsored athlete! How Cool is that?!?!?!!!!!

*** I'll try and download some photos to upload to this post later***

Even though they changed the course from last year, there were some events that were the same - though the order was completely different. When we ran on Saturday there were well over 6,000 other people (I heard as many as 7,000+)... It was hot! Alyx and I ran as much as we could, walked when we had to...

And she pushed me from mile 4 on... Because I was cramping before the 4th mile. Not sure how much of that had to do with altitude, not hydrating enough before the race, and/or because I did too many of the first hills on the balls of my feet, and not a full foot strike :)

Thank goodness for "Sharkies", water stations, bananas, and an awesome partner who wouldn't let me get away with whining.

Then on the half-pipe I got jacked up! Alyx ran and made it, with the help of a couple of guys up on the top of the half-pipe (which is the way most women were getting to the top)... I waited for her to clear, and then started sprinting my little heart out... Reached up grabbed ahold of one guy, and promptly lost my grip and slid back down. On my way I down I found a screw in the fiberglass with my right thigh - NOT something I would recommend for anyone!

Second try, I started to sprint again and some girl crossed right in front of me causing the need for me to slam on my breaks to avoid colliding with her!

Thankfully, third time was the charm and I made it up and over with the help of the guys on the top!

Finished out the race - both Alyx and I dealing with our injuries. She managed to roll her ankle pretty good right towards the end but we are both too darn stubborn to give up and quit because of a little bit of pain.

Honestly compared to our amazing Wounded Warriors who ran the event minus limbs... What is a minor scratch and ankle twisting compared to that?!

And we did it in 2:55!!!

After Saturday's race we played around, helped out at the AWESOME FRS booth, I tried to not pass out on people because the shock was trying to take over, and made some great new Tough Mudder Friends.

If you've never run this event then you have no idea the friendships you can make... There are obstacles that for me would have never been possible to complete if it weren't for the help of my fellow Tough Mudders. Which IS the point!

Alyx and I decided to be crazy and run it again Sunday, injuries and all. And I am SO glad that I didn't back out like I almost did.

In fact, it was easier the second day! I'm not sure if its because we knew the course at that point, had been up at the elevation for 24+ hours, or if it was because there were a whole lot less people on the course. We actually walked a lot more of the course the second day, or at least it felt that way... BUT I wasn't walking because my legs were cramping, I was walking because I knew there were parts that were easier to run vs. parts that I'd rather walk.

Even with the walking we still did it 2 minutes FASTER than on Saturday!!! Alyx and I were pretty sure it was because of the fact that there were less people on the course so we weren't getting stacked up on obstacles, plus if you had a good pace going up a hill/side of the Mountain you weren't getting slowed down because there were 30+ people in front of you.

I really look forward to getting to run another Tough Mudder, and if I get to do it with the FRS team I'll consider myself very lucky and blessed!

The people I met this weekend I have such a huge respect for, from the Wounded Warriors who ran despite physical limitations, the Marines who ran/worked the event, other athletes and non-athletes who participated in "Tough Mudder SoCal #2".

Thank you all for sharing your weekend with me. Thank you Alyx for pushing me past my comfort zone. Thank you everyone at FRS for rocking and setting us up with an amazing experience. Blessings to you all.