Grabbing the horns

I've been thinking a lot about life, and then reading a post by my best just kind of put it into perspective for me.

What do I want in life? Am I proud of who I am today? Is who I am someone I'll look back at and say "Yeah, that was me, and I like her"? Is the path that I'm on one that I'm enjoying? Am I blessed? Am I a blessing for others? Is my journey my own?

and looking at those questions there are a lot of mixed answers.

I have done things that I am absolutely NOT proud of, and I have done things that I would sing from the roof of buildings about. Where I am today is not where I saw myself 5-7 years ago. Would I change it? Yes/No. Do I feel blessed? Somedays yes, other days I feel buried under life. But I know we all have those days.

Today was a sporadic day for me. GREAT gym time, and good once Steven and I got home. I was trying to get stuff together to get us to the beach, some other things came up and I wasn't able to hold up my promise to him - and I felt awful as a Mommy because I promised him that we'd go to the beach...

BUT

Tomorrow is a new day. As of right now I have one massage scheduled from 1-2... IF nothing else gets scheduled then I plan on taking him afterwards and staying until we both can't stand it. I'm blessed that I get to live in a state that is so damn beautiful. YES there are tons of people, but surprisingly enough San Clemente does maintain that small town feel (once you've been here long enough and gotten into the community).

Today I made it to the gym, ran almost 6 miles (it was National Running Day after all), got to play with my son, and go to work for a couple of hours. Not bad in the long run.

I'm not proud of the state of my house - I used to be a much better house keeper (but then again I was a stay at home wife and then a stay at home mom). Now I work, and try and balance that with Wife/Mommy/Cook/Cleaner/Organizer/etc and on beautiful days like today (and hopefully tomorrow) I'd rather spend the day outside with my son listening to him giggle and laugh and watch him run himself ragged rather than spend the day indoors scrubbing my floors and dusting every last inch.

Maybe I'll get around to the huge purge on my house that I keep mentioning that I need to do... one of these days :)

Do you realize that its been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long since I've done something purely for me? Just because it made ME happy.

Yes I get to do my Farmer's Market, but that has health benefits for all of us in the family. And yes I get to do an occasional Yoga class, but again thats for the health benefits...

I really want to do something adventurous.

I want to get out there and do something that is crazy.

I have no idea what that is.

But I'll let you know when I do :)

There are times I look around and wonder where Zori went. Then I remember that I put on my big girl panties and grew up. I became a wife, and then I became a Mom. And you can't have days where you check out on your family (well not without consequences) just because you want to.

Right now I should be working on mailers (for my second job), and instead I'm on here - writing out my thoughts for the world to see... and I'm doing it for my sanity.

I know there are people out there who probably think that I share wayyyy too much information about my life, and how things are going. I guess I do it because I really want people to realize that we all flounder, that we all have good and bad days. And because at times its hard for me to open up to those around me. I used to be good at that. Asking for help, leaning on shoulders... And then I went through 2 deployments, gave birth while my husband was gone, and have dealt with trust issues.

***Super honest moment warning***

My husband and I are not perfect. We fight. We yell and scream and try to do it whenever Steven isn't around so that he isn't aware that Mommy and Daddy are mad at each other.

We've both done super dum-dum things. Things that are hard to come back from and work on a marriage together. The trust issues are there on both sides. And now we're looking at doing at least another year apart.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME MARINE CORPS?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

****Done***

Sorry about that tangent... Its just one of those things that comes around sometimes with me :) Part of the whole am I blessed, am I a blessing thought.

I am blessed.

I live in a beautiful state. I have a beautiful/trying/pain in the ass/precious/joyous/energy filled son who I would do anything for. I'm married to a man who puts up with more than he should, who does his best (most days), and who beats himself up when life is beating us down.

I hope that I'm a blessing for someone. I consider myself a blessing for Steven, but it will be a few years before he's able to confirm that question and know what mommy means when she's asking it ;)

I need to be better at finding the positive in things. I realize that a lot of my posts seem downer-ish, and I think its because a lot of the time I come on here and write when things are getting to me. Because like I said before, I've had a hard time opening up lately. I've become a master at building walls, Thank you Marine Corps.

Actually

Thank you gossiping/fat/bitchy/hateful/fat/nosy/fat/disparaging wives of the Marine Corps.

And that is very specific to one particular group, one particular dum-dum situation that I found myself buried underneath, and that I still don't know the full details on.

But its one that has shaped me and who I am.

So I refuse to let that crap get the better of me. No I've never been someone who was sunshine and roses and puppy dogs and glitter and lolipops - BUT I used to be less clouds and mopy and buried underneath the weight of the world.

So I'm going to work on dusting things off - like my respect for people, and my trust in people. I don't want to make people work as hard for things as I've made them. I want to find more joy in the simple things in life.

I want to start making concrete goals, plans and getting them accomplished. No more getting buried.

I'm going to compete again this year, maybe July 21st wont happen (thinking of logistics of running a TM the beginning of the month and whether or not I'll be bruised and scraped to shit at the end of it and how long it will take to heal). But I WILL compete again before the end of 2012.

I will be running the TM in July. That is without a doubt.

I am going to get to see my Packer's play in August against the Chargers, it may only be pre-season, but seeing as I've NEVER seen them live before I DON'T CARE! And I'm going to meet Clay Matthews. Oh, it will happen! :)

I'm going on a 5 day Cyclist adventure as a Massage Therapist in October. Its part of a group that I've gotten involved with "Cyclist Massage" and they are an awesome group of people. Expenses paid and I get to make bank in 5 days!

Matthew will be leaving in October :(

I really don't even want to start thinking of that and how its going to change things, so for tonight I'm not going to dwell on it.

Steven starts Pre-school this fall, I can't believe I have a child old enough to be in pre-school...

So for now, I'm going to leave it at this.

I'm grabbing life by the horns. I'm going to start shaping my life to be what I want, no more going with the flow, no more sitting back and letting things happen to me. I'm going to start happening to things. Each day I'm going to accomplish something that I want to get done. And I'm going to stop beating myself up over the little things that weren't finished that day. Blessings all, its time for a bit of work before bedtime :)

Random post with my thoughts

So I really want to do this competition on July 21st... But I keep going through bouts of enthusiasm and bouts of doubt.

I think a lot of it has to do with how our lives are going to be changing in the next few months... I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything lately, but not so much that I can't handle it all - just enough to make me feel a little bit crazy around the edges.

I really needed to come on here and write about this today - because I got to the gym this morning feeling all sorts of motivated, and talked with a good friend of mine about her current journey that she's on.

People, our family and friends, don't realize I think how important their support really truly is. If I have one person whose opinion I value say something thats demeaning towards my goals it matters to me. Its hard sometimes finding the drive within ones own self, and when you have an awesome support network it makes it that much easier to push through those walls that we all hit.

I'm working on a lot of changes within myself at the moment, not just the ones facing my family because of the USMC, but ones that I'm considering for myself. For my sanity. I want to start eating cleaner. And I want to teach my son to eat healthy.

Obesity in children is at an all time high - not just because of the eating patterns that we are teaching them (yes fast food is quick and easy), but also due to the lack of activity that we are letting our kids get away with. So YES I'm cutting certain foods out of Steven's diet - sugars are gone for the most part. TREATS are truly that, treats. No more "just because you were good for me in the store" you get a candy/chocolate milk/milkshake etc... I know better, and I was still giving into the "pacify my child now" habits that we as a society are turning too.

In talking with my friend today, I realized that in the post I made a week or so ago - about eating healthy, and looking at possibly going Vegan or Pescitarian..... That I already kind of eat like a Pescitarian (one who cheats occasionally with chicken, and rarely with steak) so in reality it wouldn't be that hard to make a full transition. Matthew is going to be leaving soon, and he is the steak griller in the house - so once he's gone I really don't see myself buying a lot of it.

I'm going to start looking for healthy recipes that give both Steven and I the needed proteins, fiber, nutrients in general.

I realize this post is a little random, as are most of my posts, but they are thoughts that have been jumping around in my head.

I'm dealing with de-cluttering my life, and along with that goes de-cluttering my actual house but ALSO de-cluttering my brain, my body, my lifestyle.

BTW - if anyone would like to volunteer their OCD and time to me I'd love them for that :) I get overwhelmed when I realize how bad my house has gotten and makes me shut down and walk away from it. OR if you'd like to rent a giant trash bin and have it delivered to my driveway so I can purge the heck out of my house I'd love you for that too :)

Now I need to jump off of here, take Steven outside to play with the kids and take some of that time to sort through the excess crap that is in my garage.

Buckling Down

So I've committed. July 21st is my next NPC Bikini competition, and I'm running the Tough Mudder in the beginning of July (either the 8th or 9th not sure yet) with Alyx.

This past Saturday was exactly 8 weeks from the competition. I let myself have this holiday weekend to enjoy the last few treats that I get for a while, Saturday some heard me saying that it was my "last day" and I meant for it to be... But then I enjoyed breakfast on Sunday and then some chocolate at the beach with Alyx on Monday, and a s'mores bar with the next door neighbors that night before bed.

I'm not upset about it - just being honest that we all give in to temptation.

But today I hit the ground running, wicked workout and clean eating. I know that it will take me a couple of days to get back in the swing of super clean eating, I'll definitely be missing my "cheats", but once I'm in this and committed I'll buck up and buckle down.

Still considering going Vegetarian, Pescitarian, Vegan, not sure...

Clean is the main goal.

Organic, when it truly matters.

Local sustainable is the next.

I know in the long run I feel better the cleaner I eat. I sleep better, I don't feel sluggish mid-afternoon, and my outlook on life is just nicer.

I'm probably going to be whining a lot in the next few weeks - today proved just how much I haven't been pushing myself since the last competition. Not horrid, but definitely felt the workout sooner than I was used to.

Looking forward to this though - the joy of sweating myself silly, of seeing the daily progress, of knowing that I'm working at being the healthiest that I can be and doing it the right way. Lean proteins, veggies, some fruits. It all makes me happy :)

I'll start updating more regularly, posting the workouts, and trying to do upkeep photos. No photos this week, but hopefully I'll get some for you next week. Anyone what to join in on my workouts, or join me for runs let me know. I love to share what I've learned with others, I enjoy picking your brain, and having conversations about healthy lifestyles and choices that we've made. Blessings.

Trying to find the postitive

Our lives are about to change in a big way.

Matthew got web orders not quite two weeks ago, HE will be going to Japan sometime in October for at least one year (possible extension up to two years). This is an unaccompanied tour. So that means Steven and I will not be going with him. We've decided that we will stay in San Clemente, and are currently bouncing around the idea of either staying on base or moving out on town.

Here's my positive on this change of events.

The last time he deployed it was to Iraq, and it wound up being about 12.5 months. He was getting shot at, blown up, not eating much, and living in a location where they didn't have a real chow hall or real bathrooms.

This time he is going to Japan. No one will be shooting at him or trying to blow him up. He will be stuck on a base out in the middle of no where but he will have real food, a real barracks with a roof over his head, and most importantly he will be safe.

I've decided that we need to keep living our lives like normal. Steven and I will stay here in CA. He's starting pre-school, and has friends here. I've got my jobs, friends, and hobbies that keep me happy.

In the next few months I have a few things planned for me to help keep my mood bolstered and have happy healthy goals to shoot for.

1.) Some photo shoots with amazing friends/photographers.
2.) Tough Mudder with Alyx, July 8th or 9th, and sponsored by FRS!!!
3.) Another NPC Bikini contest, July 21st, up in Culver City.
4.) Tickets to see my PACK play the Chargers August 9th!!! I've never seen them play in person and I DO NOT care that its pre-season, I still get to see them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On top of this is figuring out what we're doing about certain things in our lives, like I said we are considering moving off base. I am lucky in the fact that I have a few neighbors who I enjoy the company of - at the same time living on base sometimes feels like you are in a cluster-fuck of a fishbowl. We have to work out how finances are going to work. So that neither Matthew or I fuck up a bill pay cycle or anything of that nature.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to basically be a single parent for at least a year. This isn't new in the Marine Corps, but its pretty new to me. The last time Matthew deployed Steven wasn't even born yet, and then was a newborn. Now he's completely aware of things. And there are days that he has meltdowns that Daddy is at work and can't come home right that second. I know we will figure it out and will survive it, but it doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to always having to be the heavy for everything.

I'm hoping that by some magic stroke of luck I might be able to turn my NPC Contests into something that I can make money at... Not sure yet how I want to go about doing it - but seeing as I LOVE what I do. Love the fact that I'm proud of the changes I've made in myself, and also the fact that I have people who are willing to ask me for tips/pointers because they are impressed with what I've done  - I'm interested in seeing if I can turn this into a career somehow.

There is a lot more going on, but this is all the time I have at the moment. Hope you are all doing well. Blessings.

Late night

So I've been pondering over this for the last couple of days, with everything that I've been dealing with the last two weeks I just haven't been pushing myself at the gym or being super strict on my diet...

I'm not doing the June 9th competition, I might do the June 30th or pick another one later in July...

I DO want to compete again - but don't feel like I can get to where I expect myself to be in time for the 9th, and I'd rather be happy with the way that I look then give in and do a competition when I'm not 100% happy with my body.

It comes down to a balancing act. Family happiness vs Personal happiness.

Matthew and I have hit a rough patch lately. Stress with everything is getting to us. Nothing outside of normal married life stuff: work, money (the always seemingly lack of it), kiddo, etc. But you add into that the fact that we just found out that he will be getting sent to Japan for at least a year sometime in October, and the last 5 days have been interesting.

Hell, who am I kidding. We've both been stressed for weeks before this. There comes a point in every marriage where you feel like you have to take stock of the situation, revaluate.

We're doing better, trying to figure out ways to help each other with the "problems" that we see/have.

And then the Marine Corps tosses this new Green Weeny in our laps. I knew the last year of this contract was going to mean going back to the fleet, and had prepared myself for getting uprooted and moved to North Carolina - I hadn't even considered getting shafted with a 1-year unaccompanied tour to Japan (or anywhere else for that matter) AND to top it off, if Matthew either extends for one year (if he doesn't pick up SSgt before this contract is up) or reenlists for another 4, there is a good chance that they will extend his stay in Japan to total 2 years (which is the usual time for an unaccompanied tour).

I'm freaking out.

The last time I got to wear the "single parent" hat, Steven was just born... I mean... Yes, newborns are CRAZY dependent on you BUT they aren't aware of who is there all the time and who isn't. There are days now when Steven freaks out because Daddy is at work all day, and he doesn't like the fact that he can't come home because Steven wants to play.

We're looking into having me move off base, not because I don't enjoy the friends that I've made with some of my neighbors but because we realize that a lot of them will be moving within the next year or so - and as a Massage Therapist I've already dealt with enough rumors as to what I do when I have "clients" over to my house :-/ Steven and I will be staying in Southern California, we both love it here, and I'm hoping that if we move off base (I'm still not 100% on that) that we are close to the beach.

There are literally so many thoughts bouncing around in my head right now that I can't gather them enough to make sense, that combined with the late hour and I'm sure this entire post is rambling...

I'm stressed.

Enough that I'm letting it get to me. My stomach is in knots, I'm not sleeping well, and I feel like daily life is bogging me down at times.

The gym is my peaceful time, usually, and it doesn't help that I've missed two days this week because I was covering shifts back at my old job in Irvine.

Alyx and I are getting together this weekend to reevaluate what I want to do for me.

I want to do another show - I just need to pick a more reasonable time frame (which she pushed me to do, but I was bullheaded and didn't want to listen)

We have sponsorship for running the SoCal Tough Mudder in July :) I'm totally stoked for it! So now its time to sit down with a big calendar and start seeing what all is going to be going on in our lives for the next 4-6 months.

I need to at some point have an honesty session on here, talk about issues that Matthew and I are dealing with, my love/hate with food and how it love/hates my body, the stress I feel at times being a mom and the fact that I don't feel like I succeed a lot of the time, the joy I have in being a mom and how I'm never quite sure how I was blessed with such an amazing child, the fact that I wish I was OCD so that my house didn't look like the stye it looks like right now, and also the fact that I need to go through all of my shit and get rid of the excess crap that I really truly utterly do not need in my life (like the boxes that haven't been unpacked since they got sent down here)

But I'll save that for another time, when I'm not so tired, and not looking with dread at a wake-up time thats creeping ever so closer.

Waffling

I've spent the last week going back and forth in my mind on whether or not I'm going to do this next competition...

Partly because of my own doubts, but also because I haven't gotten the support that I was hoping for from a few key individuals.

And I remembered today as I was KILLING myself at the gym.

This isn't about anyone else, this is about me. Being able to be happy with myself. Not just physically but also mentally. I'm happiest with myself when I've got a goal that I'm working towards.

It was nice giving myself a kick in the mental butt. So I'm committing to it. I need to push myself to meet my goals. No more "sure I can have an extra piece of whatever" because even though normally it wouldn't affect me (enough to count) it does at the moment.

Today I commit to doing the next show June 9. Not a lot of time, a month, but I know I can buckle down and do it!

Now time to break out the heels and start practicing my posing :)

Only a couple of days late :)

This weeks workout/meal plan.

Meal Plan:
Unlimited fruit before 2 pm.
Unlimited veggies all day.
3 x protein
1 carbohydrate serving a day (not counting fruit/veggies, but rice cakes or the like)

Workout Plan


Day 1, 3, & 6:
1 hour run
30 minutes of abs
30 minutes of some other cardio

Day 2:
100 Pull-ups
4 x 25 Lat pull-downs (80-120lbs)
4 x 25 Seated Row (80-120lbs)
4 x 25 Renegade Rows (20-25lbs)
4 x 25 Good Mornings (45lb weight plate)
4 x 25 Military Shoulder Press (20-30lbs)
4 x 25 Frontal/Lateral Shoulder Raises (10-15lbs)

Day 4:
500 Squats
250 lunges each side
(3 x 33) x 3 Smith Calf Raises
200 Bench Jumps
200 Single leg dead-lift each side