Not Ashamed

So I've been debating making a post on this for quite some time now. For many, many different reasons. One because I've taken this blog and bent it in a direction that was/is focused on my working out, or lack there of lately. Two, I've gotten very good at keeping personal things personal. I try my best not to gossip about others nor do I put information out there so that others don't have the ability to gossip about me and mine.

But I've made a couple of non-specific posts on Facebook as my status lately and I've gotten mixed reactions. Most have been positive, people saying that they are thinking of Matthew and I, sending prayers... But I know some have been "scandalized" that I've put even the most generic posts up asking for prayers for Matthew as he goes through a difficult time. And I've talked with friends, and family, and I've come to realize that 1) this is a surprise for most people because I've refused to say anything for 3+ years and 2) there is this ridiculous stigma in the Military that makes it almost impossible to admit that a service member may be having a difficult time coping with what they've seen/done.

Matthew does not currently know that I'm writing this, hopefully I get to speak to him tonight and inform him. I am concerned that he will become upset that I've chosen to speak so openly about this, yet at the same time I know that we are NOT the only military family dealing with difficulties brought about by time overseas. 

I refuse to remain silent about this any longer.

My husband has Alcohol related dependency due to PTSD. IE, he drinks to pass out almost every night so that he doesn't remember the nightmares/night-terrors. 

The thing is that hardly anyone talks about the issues that exist for our Military members if they come back physically whole. Granted its hard to ignore someone's problems if they are missing a limb, but so many of our men and women fall through the cracks because their scars are not visible to the naked eye.

We've had to fight tooth and nail for a month and a half to get him back from Japan, because HE asked for help. The first 24-48 hours he felt like he was being listened to and then it turned into a waiting game... No one wanting to be responsible for the Marine who said "Hey I have a drinking problem, and I have PTSD". He was supposed to be back 2 weeks ago, and then something happened with the paperwork and his orders were canceled. Of course I'll never get the full story behind that but that was the first time I made an generic post on my status and all of a sudden help rained down around us from outside sources. I had other wives reach out and tell me that they had to fight for 2+ years to get their husband help, that they had to take them to other government bases and check them into the ER, that they are still fighting to get payment from the VA. But we had friends run up the political channel and get us contact information for the Military and Veterans Assistance Officer through the State of AK, and a Congressional Inquiry has been opened into why it took them as long as it did to get Matthew help.

*Side note, none of this is being written for sympathy for myself or Matthew. Nor am I going to go into depth on any personal issues that may have occurred pre/post incident that incited him to reach out and ask for help. This is purely about the stigma and how I think we need to raise our voices in support of our military.*

I will admit, for the last 3+ years this has been a very large elephant in the room between him and I. The drinking wears down a marriage and a friendship. I was embarrassed if we joined the neighbors for BBQ's or late night fire pits and he was catatonic by 10pm. I refused to talk with friends about it, instead choosing to laugh it off, or pretend it didn't exist.

Matthew did NOT want me talking about it to anyone because what if somehow, someway someone in his command found out about it. His career, trying to protect it, became #1 concern. Plus, "Everyone else was drinking right? All the other guys have seen stuff thats just as bad as him and they are fine, right? No one else admits to the dreams, the night terrors... They all must be fine. I can't admit to anything, I'll be seen as weak. Not a Marine."

WRONG!!!!

The thing that kills me is that so many Marine's and their families suffer in silence. Or suffer loudly. Matthew thankfully drank and passed out, while many other Marine's that I have seen drink and then get angry and loud. Maybe that is why some people were so surprised when I started talking about it... They saw him knock back a few when we would all hang out, not realizing that he does that just about every night.

Honestly though the main problem, the drinking, is directly related to the PTSD that he has. I feel like if he could get help, someone who actually listened to his problems and cared (health professional) and gave him coping mechanisms then he would learn to control the drinking. So far he's been treated generically and has been made to feel as if he isn't important, that his issues mean nothing. Yes he has done the standard "Come back from Deployment Mental Health screening" that is mandated when they get home from overseas duty, but the thing is all of them know how to pass it in a way that won't raise flags because they want to be able to stay in and not be medically separated/retired. *At this point he will probably be medically separated later this year*

The lip service that is given to the media about how much care our Veterans are receiving is crap. Yes, those who are physically injured are receiving better care than they ever have before, but 50% better still isn't fantastic considering they started at 25%. Veterans fall through the cracks everyday.

I guess that is where a lot of my personal frustration comes from. Yes, I'm pissed that they jerked Matthew around for so long, but the thing is he isn't 1 in 10,000 and accidentally fell through the cracks, but in reality his situation is much more the norm than the exception. 

I'm trying really hard right now to reign in my rant and keep this post coherent but I have so many thoughts and points floating around in my head that its very difficult. 

The main point I'm trying to get across I guess, is that I am not ashamed of Matthew asking for help. I am not ashamed to admit that my husband, the father of my child, has PTSD. I am not ashamed that I am talking openly about it, and will be posting further on it. I am not ashamed to admit that because of this our marriage has had some incredibly rocky times, and will probably continue to do so. I am not ashamed to admit that neither of us is perfect and reaching out for help needed to happen a long time ago. And I won't be made to feel ashamed to tell you that certain things will never be anyone else's business but Matthew's and mine. 

I make no promises to share any more than I already have, nor do I promise to not share a bundle more. It depends on where this program leads Matthew, and subsequently myself and Steven. 

I will say please speak out. If you know of someone who needs help, help them find it. Fight for it. Scream from the rooftops if you have to, plant your behind in someone's office until they acknowledge you. Don't let another Veteran fall through the cracks, don't let your spouse, significant other, best friend, fellow human being feel as if they are alone. Help them. Show them that there is nothing to be ashamed of.

We have asked so much from these young men and women. We have given them guns and sent them to foreign lands. Telling them don't get shot, don't get blown up... Do what you have to to come home. But when you do come home, don't admit that what you've seen is more than you can handle. Don't tell us that things we could never even dream of you've witnessed/you've done. You are a Marine. Act like one!

Now its our time to help them. To stand up and get them heard. If me sharing any of this helps one person, then I'm glad I've done it. The more voices raised in support means the greater chance we have of being heard. Now I'm going to post this before I chicken out and give into the "Don't ask, don't share." mindset again.

Raw Detox/Cleanse

So I made a decision while I was out in New Mexico visiting with my dad and step-mom, that once I got back to CA I was going to do a cleanse/detox of some sort. The last few months I've not been great about sticking to a healthy eating plan, now I'm not saying I was going crazy overboard but I definitely had let things creep back into my everyday eating patterns that shouldn't be there except as true "treats".

I chatted back and forth just a bit about it with Alyx, telling her I was thinking about doing a veggie/fruit cleanse, possibly raw, and definitely whole and juiced. We both at about the same moment said "RAW" and there you go. I'd committed with her to stop being lazy on what I'm putting into my body.

Friday we traveled home from NM and were picked up by my amazing neighbor and friend Lindsay and her son... I'd mentioned that I would treat them to Chick-fil-a as a thank you, plus it would let the boys get out and play for a bit in a contained area and we could catch up and chat a bit. And I got one more quality "bad" meal in... now Chick-fil-a is NOT bad... not compared to having a huge greasy burger from one of the many burger joints here in the USA, but you factor in my HUGE sweet tea, my large serving of fries with salt and dipping sauce, and my breaded and deep fried chicken strips and it by no means balances out with a salad.

Saturday morning I woke up and it was time to get started. I'd grocery shopped the night before after we got home and had a fridge bursting with fresh produce. And since then I've gone back Monday for a few items and again tonight for a few more. I have some tried and true juicing recipes that are quick and easy and that I tend to fall back on but I am trying to find new ones that bring a bit more "green"to the table. I'm not just juicing, but I have juiced every morning and mostly lunches so far these past 5 days.

Oh thats right! I'm on day 5 so far! I'd originally planned to make it to at least 3 days, and reassess from there... Mid day yesterday I about threw in the bowl. Because the thought of having mashed cauliflower sounded so darn good. But I didn't. At this point I'm shooting for 7-10 days, or until my body seems to hit a wall.

I am trying to also work out so I'm trying to be careful and aware of my body so that I'm still getting enough nutrients without compromising myself. Today at one point at the gym I did start to feel light headed, so I backed off intensity and changed what I was doing. Instead of the full "Burpee Heaven" that I was shooting for I switched it up to a "Mini-Burpee heaven" and I was ok with that.

I've stuck to either juices, or salads since I've started. With a couple of whole bananas thrown in the last two mornings so that I'm getting enough potassium so that I don't cramp out.

Fruits of choice (in moderation):
honey crisp apples
bananas
oranges
raspberries
blueberries
blackberries
avacado
lemon

Vegetables of choice (not limited in quantity)
Celery
carrots
chard
sweet potatoes
kale
yellow beets
mushrooms
sweet peppers
cucumbers
jicama
red cabbage
spinach
romain lettuce


Not all of these have been juiced, and not all have been put in salads. I kind of just go with the flow most of the time and put in what sounds good at the moment that I'm making my meal.

Todays post workout/late lunch juice consisted of, sweet potato, orange, chard, yellow beet, and ginger root. And tonights salad is, kale, spinach, red cabbage, jicama, cucumber. And yes thats a picture of me with the bowl o'salad that is the size of my head! Thank you amazing dinner!

This is honestly not for everyone... and I'm unsure how some people are able to live a completely raw lifestyle (I know usually it consists of more supplementing with raw nuts, etc) but still... I do know that there is a light at the end of this self imposed tunnel and I look forward to having some hot food when its done!

MDC

Probably one of the most fulfilling events that I've had the pleasure to be a part of so far in my life.

I'm so thankful for my chance meeting with Susan Tudor at C'Siren Day spa, and subsequently working for her on her "Cyclist Massage" team. It was through that connection that I got hired to work for CAF (Challenged Athletes Foundation) as a part of the MDC (Million Dollar Challenge).

October 12th I got on a plane and flew up to Santa Cruz, CA and met with 7 other Massage Therapists who were contracted for the 7 day event in which roughly 116 cyclists road 620 miles down the coast of California starting in San Francisco and ending in San Diego. That first day/night was just us MT's getting to know each other, some of us had met before others had not, and relaxing before the start to our crazy adventure the next day.

This was the 7th year that this event has taken place. The goal of CAF is to raise 1 Million dollars, thus the name of the ride, and I believe that this year had $1.4+ million dollars raised.

Challenged Athletes, such an interesting term, but one that is very apt. These are people who want to continue or have an active lifestyle despite circumstances in their life. Some are born with birth defects, others experience strokes, car accidents, or other health related difficulties, and still others are due to circumstances beyond their control such as car accidents, and/or injuries occurred while defending our nation in a time of need.

I don't know if I can begin to do this event justice. I was so blessed and so honored to be a part of it. Everyone involved was amazing from the staff to the support crew to the athletes themselves. We all had tired days, but the perseverance to push through was palpable. The riders, the reason why we were there in the first place, were the stars. They rode anywhere from 30+ miles to 100+ miles in a day through all sorts of terrain, and beautiful windy weather (I was told that this was the nicest ride in terms of ambient temperature and daily weather patterns, minus the wind). After each day's ride we, the MT's, got to work. Providing 5 hours of free 15-minute massages post ride, and then after a dinner break 2-3, 60-90 minute private massage sessions in the riders room.

I had the pleasure on working on some of the Challenged Athletes, which truth be told is something that I've always wanted to do since I decided on pursuing becoming an MT. While I'd originally thought of only Wounded Warriors, that leap is pretty easy to understand considering I've been married to a Marine for 6+ years, this opened up my eyes to the fact that there are so many other people out there who need the healing power of therapeutic touch. I had not yet had an opportunity to work with someone who had a prosthetic and or needed the aid of modified equipment to do what the rest of us probably wouldn't think twice of doing. And it was definitely a learning experience but everyone was patient and understanding.

I really want to write about some of the specific people that I met, but I'm unsure how they would react to seeing their story in my blog. Their overwhelming perseverance is something that blew me away as I watched them throughout the week. We had athletes ranging from zero physical challenges, to birth defects that meant that a leg didn't develop fully and neither did the phalanges on their hand, to a stroke surviver, and a full quadriplegic due to being involved in some sort of accident while deployed with the United States Marine Corps and all sorts of physical abilities between. There were days where they road over 100 miles, two in fact back to back, and days where the wind was so high that even though it was a relatively "shorter" day they were just as exhausted by the time they got to the end of the route. I saw people who had prosthetic legs that either clipped directly onto the bike pedals, or had a shoe on the end of it that clipped in. Bikes that were modified so that people could either remain upright, be recumbent and/or hand cycle. We had a duel recumbent bike that allowed for someone to drive the bike for our athlete who was a quadriplegic, and he had different "drivers" each day.

Watching a video of him riding down this incredible decline, getting up over 40 miles an hour, listening to the other cyclists cheer him on and hold back the cars so that he could experience that... Brought me to tears.

That is why we were there. So that CAF could help give more grants to those who really truly want and NEED it. Did you know that while most insurance companies will cover a basic prosthetic or basic mode of transportation, i.e. arm crutches, wheel chairs, etc, that they do NOT usually cover "athletic" gear because its considered a luxury?! Cheetah legs so they can run efficiently are not covered, neither are decent quality jointed prosthetic legs, modified equipment like bikes, snow boards, and the like are definitely out of the question... Which to me is so sad.

There are people out there who would probably either have never reached their full potential or ability if it were not for CAF. Take Blake Leeper for example. I had the absolute pleasure in meeting him on our last night in Dana Point, he came to speak at the dinner that was held that night and we lucked out in sharing a table with him. He was raised in TN and while he had basic prosthetics and played sports in high school he didn't have amazing equipment and knew that he could do more with the right legs. He reached out to CAF, got one of their grants for Cheetah Legs and just competed in the 2012 London Para-Olypmics winning a Silver and Gold medal. How amazing is that?! This incredibly driven young man didn't let his physical limitations hold him back, he persevered and showed us all how to get things done.

My outlook on life was drastically changed while working with these incredible Athletes for a week. I'm currently studying for my National Exam so that I can be National Certified and hopefully start moving my career in the direction of working with athletes, both Challenged an non-challenged. I will reach out to Wounded Warriors even if it is on a Volunteer basis because I do believe in the healing power of touch. I will NOT whine when things get tough. I'd say many of the people that I had the absolute pleasure of working with had been dealt a tough hand, and they not only worked with it, but they showed it who was boss.

I look forward with pleasure to hopefully be involved in many more CAF sponsored events in the future. From the MDC, if I'm asked back, to the Back2Back Century rides that they do, to the Tri events, Marathons, 5k's whatever...

I'd like to ask everyone who reads this to take a moment. Look at your life, be thankful, grateful for what you have been blessed with. If life is difficult right now remember that you can make it better. If your out on a run, or a bike ride, a walk with your children, or on your own - and things start to twinge, hurt, bother you, remember that you can do it. Take a moment, a deep breath, and have faith in yourself.