Its been a long time

Since I last wrote a blog post... I keep having these great intentions to get on here and catch up on what has been going on in my life and then I tell myself "later, I'll get to it later." and later just keeps escaping me.

So considering I just spent the last 30 minutes-ish getting Steven's Leapster Explorer connected on my laptop and the program downloaded, and then the free app uploaded to his device I decided I'd take a few minutes for myself.

I can't even begin to fully update on whats been going on in our crazy busy lives, and our lives just only seem to be more busy and crazy each and everyday. 

The last post I wrote was in September. Just after Alyx and I had been crazy and run our first Ultra-marathon (yes I said first, we've got another planned towards the end of February and I'm sure more to come after that). I hadn't yet gone and gotten my fabulous first tattoo, done by Monty at "Living Art Tattoo Gallery" here in San Clemente which I love and can't wait to go back for my next one! I also hadn't yet gone on my week long adventure with Challenged Athletes Foundation on their Million Dollar Challenge.

I think that is probably one of the biggest things that I need to update on. But after re-reading what I just wrote I've decided that I will make a separate post on that all together just because it was such an amazing adventure. Matthew left at the end of October to go to Japan for a year-ish, and I say "ish" because its guaranteed for a year with the possibility of extension through to the end of his current contract. 

Since then I've been getting back into the swing of being a single parent, I've done it before but it was when Steven was first born and his was 100% dependent on me for everything and I wasn't working or working out. So juggling life has been interesting, between jobs (not all of them understanding why things have changed or just how much in reality they really have changed) and all the day to day stuff that I now get to do 100% on my own. I don't have a partner at home who can maybe get dinner started or run a load of laundry or dishes... I'm taking care of the dog, the child, the house, the cars, and my own individual things.

I've had a few people comment on it, and not always in a positive manner. Yes I'm busy, yes if I didn't workout most everyday I would have more time, yes if I wasn't trying to accomplish at least one other NPC event this following year and a few runs thrown in there for fun then I would have more time... BUT guess what?!?!!!

None of your business! 

I do those things specifically for me. For my sanity, my happiness... and let me just say that Steven is better off having a mother who pursues her own goals and happiness outside of the family because I am a much happier person, and much calmer person when I get in my workouts and when I have goals that I am personally working towards. 

Ok so my house isn't the cleanest place you've ever seen, I have a 4.5 year old boy and a dog that sheds at least one shitzu a day in hair... I don't scrub my floor boards, and the only reason I have a pinterest account is because I've "pinned" a couple of things so I can find them more easily than doing an internet search each time I need it. I'm not a Suzy Homemaker, and I've never claimed to be. The last time I tried to live that role I started to regret my life and hate the fact that I was married and had a child - but in reality I didn't actually hate it, just the fact that I'd lost Zori so successfully in the depths of housecleaning and diaper changing. 

Life right now is nothing that I recognize from 3 months ago... And I'm trying to come to grips with that. I've had to ask people for help, and I really truly dislike asking for help... I'm the fixer. But I've had to reach out a hand to friends, and neighbors to accomplish things. I feel like there are times that I have so many things that I'm juggling that there is no possible way to accomplish it all. At the same time I'm realizing just how blessed I am having these people in my life. Friends who have stepped up and gone beyond what they really "need" to do and have helped me. 

If I've forgotten to say it, or haven't said enough. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Alyx, Hellen, Lindsay, Ari, Tracy, Patricia, Tiffany, and so many more. Thank you too your boyfriends, and husbands for helping out when I truly need a "man" to accomplish something and my grasp of "man-ness" has failed me.

I've taken as much time as I can currently. Blessings.

2 years ago

Not really sure what today's post is going to consist of, but then again I usually get sidetracked anyways so that doesn't really matter.

Tomorrow is 2 years since my Aunt passed away. It wasn't all that unexpected, she had been fighting health issues for about as long as I can remember. Had her first heart attack before she was 40, more stints than I can count, and 1 heart by-pass.

Aunt Kathy.

She was probably one of the biggest reasons why I decided to turn my life around. I don't have any memories of her truly happy. And I think a lot of that stemmed from the fact that she wasn't happy in her own skin. Between everything that she dealt with health wise, depression, knee surgeries, back surgeries, smoking, heart attacks... I realized that I didn't want that for me, and/or for my family.

Its important that I be a role model for Steven.

That being said, I've been a bit of a slacker in the role model department lately. Post NPC competition I did well for a while at keeping up with working out, but allowed a lot of things back into my diet just because "I could". I started to get unhappy with the habits that I was falling back into and then Alyx sprung the Ultra-Marathon on me. To start cutting things at that point, could have been detrimental for my body, considering I needed stores of fats and carbs for my body to burn during the run.

I'm by no means saying "I'm fat", I'm just not 100% happy with where I am right now. And all it is going to take is some easy fixes. I've allowed way too many sweets back in my life, with the justification of, "I'm going to the gym." And knowing that I'm carb sensitive I've still allowed a lot of processed/complex carbs back into my diet.

I've been thinking about it and I do want to do another competition again here in the near future, but to even get back to Pre-competition training status I probably need to cut about 6-8 pounds from my frame so that I'm not battling that within an 8-10 week timeframe. More than likely I'll try and compete either the end of this year, or the beginning of 2013.

So I just need to go back to cleaner eating, lean proteins, veggies, and fruits... Nothing drastic, no severe cutting of calories, just clean.

I like the fact that for the most part my level of fitness allows me to partake in a variety of physical activities. I did/can do again an NPC event, ran two Tough Mudders, and an Ultra-Marathon. I'd like to run more events in the next 12-18 months (the current timeframe I'm working with because of the uncertainty of life and the USMC).

Not only do I want to do more events, but I'd like to go on more adventures with Steven. Show him more of Southern California, and the surrounding states. He's got so much energy, and so far very little fear of life that I think its the perfect time to help him expand his adventurous side. Sports, hiking, camping, exploring... We've decided on home-schooling for pre-school. I'm helping with the supply side of things, and Lindsey is going to be doing the actual teaching with the boys... This benefits us in a couple of ways. If I decide to travel with him I'm not pulling him out of an actual school, he gets to spend the day with his best friend, he's right next door so that if something happens I'm available, plus its not a "half-day" which breaks down into a 3 hour, 2-3 days a week program so that I can keep working and not have to cut my hours to that time frame.

A lot is going to change this next year, I can't even begin to think about how different our life is going to be come the end of October. But I will look on it positively without fear, because if I go into it fearing the outcome then only the worst can happen to the 3 of us. Within the next week or so I hope to have a rough plan for the next few months, just so that we have goals/deadlines for certain things.

We'll see where this next year takes me, and my family. Thankfully I've been lucky so far to have the support that I've gotten from my family and friends.

I miss my Aunt. She taught me many life lessons, introduced me to real music, helped grow my love of pretty sparkly jewelry, and the fact that I need to appreciate life everyday because you never know when life is going to change/end. I guess what my ramblings are trying to put out into the universe is that we need to work on being happy in our lives. In ways that are important to us. To not let other's around us determine what it is that we "should" be doing, or how we "should" be living. If you are happy with the path that your life is taking, really and truly happy, then that is all that should matter. I've been blessed in finding friends lately who are interested in the same things as me, and that I've found hobbies/goals that make me happy.

Looking back where I was even 3 years ago, I was unhappy in my life. And not that I wasn't blessed with Matthew and Steven and a supportive family - but that I was unhappy with me. It took a few months, false starts and stops, to find a direction in my life that allowed me to find happiness within myself. And I've been blessed enough that my family so far has supported me in these choices. And that I've found friends who support me.

Whether or not you understand why I choose to do what I do, realize that pursuing these goals truly makes me happy. Some of them seem far fetched, or insane to those who have never felt the need to go run 31+ miles in one stretch. Or if you've never felt the desire to walk across the stage in a bikini... But I have done both of those, and I want to do them again.

We have all found our selves in places that we don't recognize, and its only through our own strengths, courage, and conviction that we are able to muscle our way back to a path that we are happy with. I only wish that my Aunt had found a way to a happier life path before her life ended at such an early age.

So I'm going to end this post with a question. Are YOU on a path that brings you joy, happiness, and contentedness at the end of the day?

Life

Has gotten ridiculous lately... I keep having these fly by thoughts of things I'd like to post, and then I don't make the time to get on here and write them.

Like this past weekend, I ran my first Ultra-Marathon.

It was a 50k.

As in a little over 31 miles of running trails... It took my BFF and I just under 8 hours to do so. And I can't begin to tell you what happened while running. 8 hours of talking, laughing, sharing secrets, stories, bits and pieces of our past that we've never gotten around to, God, life, future plans, people we love, people we can't stand (in general and in specifics), motivating each of us through our "walls" that we hit... And guess what?! When we got done we both looked at each other and said

"Well, we could have done that faster!"

But we still had gas left in the tank which was perfect considering we had a 6.5 hour drive home still to do. Oh! The race was right near Oakland, CA so its not like it was in our backyard...

I woke up Sunday morning scared to move... I was afraid if I moved the wrong way, stretched the wrong muscle, or blinked that I might turn into one gigantic muscle cramp. Surprisingly enough I was more tired than sore. Granted bits of me let me know that they hurt, but nothing was so much that I couldn't function. Monday morning was a little bit of a different story, second day soreness kicked in full-force, but I'd committed to going back to my old job in Irvine and covering a shift for another MT so as long as I kept moving I did alright.

So besides the ridiculousness of the fact that I just ran a 50k - btw, outside of the Tough Mudder I've NEVER run a sanctioned run (other than a 5k). No 10k, 1/2 Marathon, 30K, or Full-Marathon... So instead of dipping my toe in the pool, I jumped in head first into the deep end!
And the fact that I think we will be running another 50k in the near future, and talks of doing a "Rim to Rim to Rim" run at the Grand Canyon has been tossed around...

The other ridiculousness in my life includes, Steven hopefully starting Pre-school this year, Matthew leaving the end of October for a year to Japan unaccompanied, and me balancing all my jobs! First I say hopefully because apparently my procrastination didn't get the memo that if you want your child on the "definitely" list you've got to get them signed up practically a year in advance (or maybe its because I'm not from California and I've never had to deal with their system yet)... So we are on the "wait and see" list, not that I'm not stressed out by that at all :-/

Now I've been getting two reactions from people when they find out that not only is Matthew going to Japan for a year, but he's going without us. Either its very blase (because they are Marines, or married to one) or they get all up in arms. Let me set people straight. I'm NOT happy that he is leaving for a year without us. BUT he isn't deploying to a war zone. We did a 12.5 month deployment to Iraq the last time he left, and I was 7.5 months pregnant with Steven... He didn't have a chance to meet him until he was almost 5 months old. He lived on OP's that didn't have real chow halls, showers, or shitters. His life was on the line every single day that he was deployed. This time around he will be on a set base, no one will be trying to kill him, he'll have a room to himself, real food, real showers, real bathrooms (no piss tubes and wag bags).

How we'll handle this year apart is up to us. Feel free to inquire if you feel you have a right to know our private life.

My biggest concern is Steven. He's been going through a clingy phase and as it is some mornings when he wakes up and Matthew is already gone to work he's distraught. I know we'll survive it, but I don't look forward to trying to have to explain to a 4 year-old why Daddy isn't coming home tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day.

As to my jobs, I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to condense them... For a while it felt like I wasn't hardly working at all, but within the last 3/4 weeks its definitely picked up... I've got the spa, DrS's, private clients, FRS, Cyclist Massage... And still trying to balance everything so that I actually spend time with my boys. While I love all of them, I'm going to have to change a lot of this once Matthew leaves because I wont have the luxury of knowing that he'll be home with Steven while I'm off working crazy hours.

I really need to get the materials together that I need to study for my Nationals, because I really like the idea of trying to get hired with the Wounded Warriors on base. If I can find something that is Mon-Friday set schedule, making enough $ to justify childcare costs then I'd be all for it.

We'll see where the next couple of weeks finds us. At the moment I need to jump off of here, and turn on some music and start doing a deep clean on our place. I was spoiled in the 12 days that my mom came to visit and the fact that even though I was crazy busy our house got cleaned up everyday! Plus if I turn on some music of my own maybe I can block out the OBNOXIOUS base line from my neighbor across the street.

Blessings all.

Tough Mudder and FRS

This past weekend I had an amazing opportunity... I got to run the Tough Mudder again!

 I ran it last May 29th (the "Frozen Sunday") and it was so cold! 30* at the starting line, and they say 10* at the summit... All I know is that I got snowed on, and while I managed to finish it took me just around 4 hours...

This year I was determined that since it was in July that I would shoot for 3ish hours, less if I could manage it.

My best friend Alyx and I got a chance to run with the FRS running team. I was a sponsored athlete! How Cool is that?!?!?!!!!!

*** I'll try and download some photos to upload to this post later***

Even though they changed the course from last year, there were some events that were the same - though the order was completely different. When we ran on Saturday there were well over 6,000 other people (I heard as many as 7,000+)... It was hot! Alyx and I ran as much as we could, walked when we had to...

And she pushed me from mile 4 on... Because I was cramping before the 4th mile. Not sure how much of that had to do with altitude, not hydrating enough before the race, and/or because I did too many of the first hills on the balls of my feet, and not a full foot strike :)

Thank goodness for "Sharkies", water stations, bananas, and an awesome partner who wouldn't let me get away with whining.

Then on the half-pipe I got jacked up! Alyx ran and made it, with the help of a couple of guys up on the top of the half-pipe (which is the way most women were getting to the top)... I waited for her to clear, and then started sprinting my little heart out... Reached up grabbed ahold of one guy, and promptly lost my grip and slid back down. On my way I down I found a screw in the fiberglass with my right thigh - NOT something I would recommend for anyone!

Second try, I started to sprint again and some girl crossed right in front of me causing the need for me to slam on my breaks to avoid colliding with her!

Thankfully, third time was the charm and I made it up and over with the help of the guys on the top!

Finished out the race - both Alyx and I dealing with our injuries. She managed to roll her ankle pretty good right towards the end but we are both too darn stubborn to give up and quit because of a little bit of pain.

Honestly compared to our amazing Wounded Warriors who ran the event minus limbs... What is a minor scratch and ankle twisting compared to that?!

And we did it in 2:55!!!

After Saturday's race we played around, helped out at the AWESOME FRS booth, I tried to not pass out on people because the shock was trying to take over, and made some great new Tough Mudder Friends.

If you've never run this event then you have no idea the friendships you can make... There are obstacles that for me would have never been possible to complete if it weren't for the help of my fellow Tough Mudders. Which IS the point!

Alyx and I decided to be crazy and run it again Sunday, injuries and all. And I am SO glad that I didn't back out like I almost did.

In fact, it was easier the second day! I'm not sure if its because we knew the course at that point, had been up at the elevation for 24+ hours, or if it was because there were a whole lot less people on the course. We actually walked a lot more of the course the second day, or at least it felt that way... BUT I wasn't walking because my legs were cramping, I was walking because I knew there were parts that were easier to run vs. parts that I'd rather walk.

Even with the walking we still did it 2 minutes FASTER than on Saturday!!! Alyx and I were pretty sure it was because of the fact that there were less people on the course so we weren't getting stacked up on obstacles, plus if you had a good pace going up a hill/side of the Mountain you weren't getting slowed down because there were 30+ people in front of you.

I really look forward to getting to run another Tough Mudder, and if I get to do it with the FRS team I'll consider myself very lucky and blessed!

The people I met this weekend I have such a huge respect for, from the Wounded Warriors who ran despite physical limitations, the Marines who ran/worked the event, other athletes and non-athletes who participated in "Tough Mudder SoCal #2".

Thank you all for sharing your weekend with me. Thank you Alyx for pushing me past my comfort zone. Thank you everyone at FRS for rocking and setting us up with an amazing experience. Blessings to you all.

Human

I keep meaning to get on here and write a new post. I sit around thinking about it, planning it out in my head, turning phrases, coming up with interesting visuals and then it just doesn't get written...

So much has been going on since my last post.

Today, well today just started out quiet with Steven. I've been waiting for the flea bomber to come, and skipped my workout... Obviously they aren't going to be here today.

This then turned into a mini shit storm on my facebook page. Bad taste, crude humor, offensive... Yes the post contained all of those things.

I'm not proud of it, but sometimes I do react negatively to the trainwrecks that I witness around me. We all have reactions to certain bodytypes, socio-economic backgrounds, ethnic/race/creed/color... Whatever, we do.

Not one single one of us is perfect.

Take a look at yourself, have you ever laughed (in a dark humor sort of way) at someone/something you saw. And you KNOW that if there were certain people around you that you would either NOT laugh or you would feel mortified that they witnessed you laughing.

So sue me I'm human.

If something I post, or one of my friends posts offends you - I'm not sure how sorry I really am. We can't always be PC, its not realistic. BUT I can ask that you address me privately. I make a point of not posting things on others walls/pages that would start a shit-storm. I dislike airing anything personal, in terms of calling others out, in the public forum. If you choose to do so, I don't care how good of friends or casual of acquaintances we are - I will delete the post from my page.

This is my little post for today, now I'm going to go back to the couch and cuddle with my little man to remind me that today, no matter the mild shit-storm that I just endured, is all worth it.

Grabbing the horns

I've been thinking a lot about life, and then reading a post by my best just kind of put it into perspective for me.

What do I want in life? Am I proud of who I am today? Is who I am someone I'll look back at and say "Yeah, that was me, and I like her"? Is the path that I'm on one that I'm enjoying? Am I blessed? Am I a blessing for others? Is my journey my own?

and looking at those questions there are a lot of mixed answers.

I have done things that I am absolutely NOT proud of, and I have done things that I would sing from the roof of buildings about. Where I am today is not where I saw myself 5-7 years ago. Would I change it? Yes/No. Do I feel blessed? Somedays yes, other days I feel buried under life. But I know we all have those days.

Today was a sporadic day for me. GREAT gym time, and good once Steven and I got home. I was trying to get stuff together to get us to the beach, some other things came up and I wasn't able to hold up my promise to him - and I felt awful as a Mommy because I promised him that we'd go to the beach...

BUT

Tomorrow is a new day. As of right now I have one massage scheduled from 1-2... IF nothing else gets scheduled then I plan on taking him afterwards and staying until we both can't stand it. I'm blessed that I get to live in a state that is so damn beautiful. YES there are tons of people, but surprisingly enough San Clemente does maintain that small town feel (once you've been here long enough and gotten into the community).

Today I made it to the gym, ran almost 6 miles (it was National Running Day after all), got to play with my son, and go to work for a couple of hours. Not bad in the long run.

I'm not proud of the state of my house - I used to be a much better house keeper (but then again I was a stay at home wife and then a stay at home mom). Now I work, and try and balance that with Wife/Mommy/Cook/Cleaner/Organizer/etc and on beautiful days like today (and hopefully tomorrow) I'd rather spend the day outside with my son listening to him giggle and laugh and watch him run himself ragged rather than spend the day indoors scrubbing my floors and dusting every last inch.

Maybe I'll get around to the huge purge on my house that I keep mentioning that I need to do... one of these days :)

Do you realize that its been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long since I've done something purely for me? Just because it made ME happy.

Yes I get to do my Farmer's Market, but that has health benefits for all of us in the family. And yes I get to do an occasional Yoga class, but again thats for the health benefits...

I really want to do something adventurous.

I want to get out there and do something that is crazy.

I have no idea what that is.

But I'll let you know when I do :)

There are times I look around and wonder where Zori went. Then I remember that I put on my big girl panties and grew up. I became a wife, and then I became a Mom. And you can't have days where you check out on your family (well not without consequences) just because you want to.

Right now I should be working on mailers (for my second job), and instead I'm on here - writing out my thoughts for the world to see... and I'm doing it for my sanity.

I know there are people out there who probably think that I share wayyyy too much information about my life, and how things are going. I guess I do it because I really want people to realize that we all flounder, that we all have good and bad days. And because at times its hard for me to open up to those around me. I used to be good at that. Asking for help, leaning on shoulders... And then I went through 2 deployments, gave birth while my husband was gone, and have dealt with trust issues.

***Super honest moment warning***

My husband and I are not perfect. We fight. We yell and scream and try to do it whenever Steven isn't around so that he isn't aware that Mommy and Daddy are mad at each other.

We've both done super dum-dum things. Things that are hard to come back from and work on a marriage together. The trust issues are there on both sides. And now we're looking at doing at least another year apart.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME MARINE CORPS?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

****Done***

Sorry about that tangent... Its just one of those things that comes around sometimes with me :) Part of the whole am I blessed, am I a blessing thought.

I am blessed.

I live in a beautiful state. I have a beautiful/trying/pain in the ass/precious/joyous/energy filled son who I would do anything for. I'm married to a man who puts up with more than he should, who does his best (most days), and who beats himself up when life is beating us down.

I hope that I'm a blessing for someone. I consider myself a blessing for Steven, but it will be a few years before he's able to confirm that question and know what mommy means when she's asking it ;)

I need to be better at finding the positive in things. I realize that a lot of my posts seem downer-ish, and I think its because a lot of the time I come on here and write when things are getting to me. Because like I said before, I've had a hard time opening up lately. I've become a master at building walls, Thank you Marine Corps.

Actually

Thank you gossiping/fat/bitchy/hateful/fat/nosy/fat/disparaging wives of the Marine Corps.

And that is very specific to one particular group, one particular dum-dum situation that I found myself buried underneath, and that I still don't know the full details on.

But its one that has shaped me and who I am.

So I refuse to let that crap get the better of me. No I've never been someone who was sunshine and roses and puppy dogs and glitter and lolipops - BUT I used to be less clouds and mopy and buried underneath the weight of the world.

So I'm going to work on dusting things off - like my respect for people, and my trust in people. I don't want to make people work as hard for things as I've made them. I want to find more joy in the simple things in life.

I want to start making concrete goals, plans and getting them accomplished. No more getting buried.

I'm going to compete again this year, maybe July 21st wont happen (thinking of logistics of running a TM the beginning of the month and whether or not I'll be bruised and scraped to shit at the end of it and how long it will take to heal). But I WILL compete again before the end of 2012.

I will be running the TM in July. That is without a doubt.

I am going to get to see my Packer's play in August against the Chargers, it may only be pre-season, but seeing as I've NEVER seen them live before I DON'T CARE! And I'm going to meet Clay Matthews. Oh, it will happen! :)

I'm going on a 5 day Cyclist adventure as a Massage Therapist in October. Its part of a group that I've gotten involved with "Cyclist Massage" and they are an awesome group of people. Expenses paid and I get to make bank in 5 days!

Matthew will be leaving in October :(

I really don't even want to start thinking of that and how its going to change things, so for tonight I'm not going to dwell on it.

Steven starts Pre-school this fall, I can't believe I have a child old enough to be in pre-school...

So for now, I'm going to leave it at this.

I'm grabbing life by the horns. I'm going to start shaping my life to be what I want, no more going with the flow, no more sitting back and letting things happen to me. I'm going to start happening to things. Each day I'm going to accomplish something that I want to get done. And I'm going to stop beating myself up over the little things that weren't finished that day. Blessings all, its time for a bit of work before bedtime :)

Random post with my thoughts

So I really want to do this competition on July 21st... But I keep going through bouts of enthusiasm and bouts of doubt.

I think a lot of it has to do with how our lives are going to be changing in the next few months... I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything lately, but not so much that I can't handle it all - just enough to make me feel a little bit crazy around the edges.

I really needed to come on here and write about this today - because I got to the gym this morning feeling all sorts of motivated, and talked with a good friend of mine about her current journey that she's on.

People, our family and friends, don't realize I think how important their support really truly is. If I have one person whose opinion I value say something thats demeaning towards my goals it matters to me. Its hard sometimes finding the drive within ones own self, and when you have an awesome support network it makes it that much easier to push through those walls that we all hit.

I'm working on a lot of changes within myself at the moment, not just the ones facing my family because of the USMC, but ones that I'm considering for myself. For my sanity. I want to start eating cleaner. And I want to teach my son to eat healthy.

Obesity in children is at an all time high - not just because of the eating patterns that we are teaching them (yes fast food is quick and easy), but also due to the lack of activity that we are letting our kids get away with. So YES I'm cutting certain foods out of Steven's diet - sugars are gone for the most part. TREATS are truly that, treats. No more "just because you were good for me in the store" you get a candy/chocolate milk/milkshake etc... I know better, and I was still giving into the "pacify my child now" habits that we as a society are turning too.

In talking with my friend today, I realized that in the post I made a week or so ago - about eating healthy, and looking at possibly going Vegan or Pescitarian..... That I already kind of eat like a Pescitarian (one who cheats occasionally with chicken, and rarely with steak) so in reality it wouldn't be that hard to make a full transition. Matthew is going to be leaving soon, and he is the steak griller in the house - so once he's gone I really don't see myself buying a lot of it.

I'm going to start looking for healthy recipes that give both Steven and I the needed proteins, fiber, nutrients in general.

I realize this post is a little random, as are most of my posts, but they are thoughts that have been jumping around in my head.

I'm dealing with de-cluttering my life, and along with that goes de-cluttering my actual house but ALSO de-cluttering my brain, my body, my lifestyle.

BTW - if anyone would like to volunteer their OCD and time to me I'd love them for that :) I get overwhelmed when I realize how bad my house has gotten and makes me shut down and walk away from it. OR if you'd like to rent a giant trash bin and have it delivered to my driveway so I can purge the heck out of my house I'd love you for that too :)

Now I need to jump off of here, take Steven outside to play with the kids and take some of that time to sort through the excess crap that is in my garage.

Buckling Down

So I've committed. July 21st is my next NPC Bikini competition, and I'm running the Tough Mudder in the beginning of July (either the 8th or 9th not sure yet) with Alyx.

This past Saturday was exactly 8 weeks from the competition. I let myself have this holiday weekend to enjoy the last few treats that I get for a while, Saturday some heard me saying that it was my "last day" and I meant for it to be... But then I enjoyed breakfast on Sunday and then some chocolate at the beach with Alyx on Monday, and a s'mores bar with the next door neighbors that night before bed.

I'm not upset about it - just being honest that we all give in to temptation.

But today I hit the ground running, wicked workout and clean eating. I know that it will take me a couple of days to get back in the swing of super clean eating, I'll definitely be missing my "cheats", but once I'm in this and committed I'll buck up and buckle down.

Still considering going Vegetarian, Pescitarian, Vegan, not sure...

Clean is the main goal.

Organic, when it truly matters.

Local sustainable is the next.

I know in the long run I feel better the cleaner I eat. I sleep better, I don't feel sluggish mid-afternoon, and my outlook on life is just nicer.

I'm probably going to be whining a lot in the next few weeks - today proved just how much I haven't been pushing myself since the last competition. Not horrid, but definitely felt the workout sooner than I was used to.

Looking forward to this though - the joy of sweating myself silly, of seeing the daily progress, of knowing that I'm working at being the healthiest that I can be and doing it the right way. Lean proteins, veggies, some fruits. It all makes me happy :)

I'll start updating more regularly, posting the workouts, and trying to do upkeep photos. No photos this week, but hopefully I'll get some for you next week. Anyone what to join in on my workouts, or join me for runs let me know. I love to share what I've learned with others, I enjoy picking your brain, and having conversations about healthy lifestyles and choices that we've made. Blessings.

Trying to find the postitive

Our lives are about to change in a big way.

Matthew got web orders not quite two weeks ago, HE will be going to Japan sometime in October for at least one year (possible extension up to two years). This is an unaccompanied tour. So that means Steven and I will not be going with him. We've decided that we will stay in San Clemente, and are currently bouncing around the idea of either staying on base or moving out on town.

Here's my positive on this change of events.

The last time he deployed it was to Iraq, and it wound up being about 12.5 months. He was getting shot at, blown up, not eating much, and living in a location where they didn't have a real chow hall or real bathrooms.

This time he is going to Japan. No one will be shooting at him or trying to blow him up. He will be stuck on a base out in the middle of no where but he will have real food, a real barracks with a roof over his head, and most importantly he will be safe.

I've decided that we need to keep living our lives like normal. Steven and I will stay here in CA. He's starting pre-school, and has friends here. I've got my jobs, friends, and hobbies that keep me happy.

In the next few months I have a few things planned for me to help keep my mood bolstered and have happy healthy goals to shoot for.

1.) Some photo shoots with amazing friends/photographers.
2.) Tough Mudder with Alyx, July 8th or 9th, and sponsored by FRS!!!
3.) Another NPC Bikini contest, July 21st, up in Culver City.
4.) Tickets to see my PACK play the Chargers August 9th!!! I've never seen them play in person and I DO NOT care that its pre-season, I still get to see them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On top of this is figuring out what we're doing about certain things in our lives, like I said we are considering moving off base. I am lucky in the fact that I have a few neighbors who I enjoy the company of - at the same time living on base sometimes feels like you are in a cluster-fuck of a fishbowl. We have to work out how finances are going to work. So that neither Matthew or I fuck up a bill pay cycle or anything of that nature.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to basically be a single parent for at least a year. This isn't new in the Marine Corps, but its pretty new to me. The last time Matthew deployed Steven wasn't even born yet, and then was a newborn. Now he's completely aware of things. And there are days that he has meltdowns that Daddy is at work and can't come home right that second. I know we will figure it out and will survive it, but it doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to always having to be the heavy for everything.

I'm hoping that by some magic stroke of luck I might be able to turn my NPC Contests into something that I can make money at... Not sure yet how I want to go about doing it - but seeing as I LOVE what I do. Love the fact that I'm proud of the changes I've made in myself, and also the fact that I have people who are willing to ask me for tips/pointers because they are impressed with what I've done  - I'm interested in seeing if I can turn this into a career somehow.

There is a lot more going on, but this is all the time I have at the moment. Hope you are all doing well. Blessings.

Late night

So I've been pondering over this for the last couple of days, with everything that I've been dealing with the last two weeks I just haven't been pushing myself at the gym or being super strict on my diet...

I'm not doing the June 9th competition, I might do the June 30th or pick another one later in July...

I DO want to compete again - but don't feel like I can get to where I expect myself to be in time for the 9th, and I'd rather be happy with the way that I look then give in and do a competition when I'm not 100% happy with my body.

It comes down to a balancing act. Family happiness vs Personal happiness.

Matthew and I have hit a rough patch lately. Stress with everything is getting to us. Nothing outside of normal married life stuff: work, money (the always seemingly lack of it), kiddo, etc. But you add into that the fact that we just found out that he will be getting sent to Japan for at least a year sometime in October, and the last 5 days have been interesting.

Hell, who am I kidding. We've both been stressed for weeks before this. There comes a point in every marriage where you feel like you have to take stock of the situation, revaluate.

We're doing better, trying to figure out ways to help each other with the "problems" that we see/have.

And then the Marine Corps tosses this new Green Weeny in our laps. I knew the last year of this contract was going to mean going back to the fleet, and had prepared myself for getting uprooted and moved to North Carolina - I hadn't even considered getting shafted with a 1-year unaccompanied tour to Japan (or anywhere else for that matter) AND to top it off, if Matthew either extends for one year (if he doesn't pick up SSgt before this contract is up) or reenlists for another 4, there is a good chance that they will extend his stay in Japan to total 2 years (which is the usual time for an unaccompanied tour).

I'm freaking out.

The last time I got to wear the "single parent" hat, Steven was just born... I mean... Yes, newborns are CRAZY dependent on you BUT they aren't aware of who is there all the time and who isn't. There are days now when Steven freaks out because Daddy is at work all day, and he doesn't like the fact that he can't come home because Steven wants to play.

We're looking into having me move off base, not because I don't enjoy the friends that I've made with some of my neighbors but because we realize that a lot of them will be moving within the next year or so - and as a Massage Therapist I've already dealt with enough rumors as to what I do when I have "clients" over to my house :-/ Steven and I will be staying in Southern California, we both love it here, and I'm hoping that if we move off base (I'm still not 100% on that) that we are close to the beach.

There are literally so many thoughts bouncing around in my head right now that I can't gather them enough to make sense, that combined with the late hour and I'm sure this entire post is rambling...

I'm stressed.

Enough that I'm letting it get to me. My stomach is in knots, I'm not sleeping well, and I feel like daily life is bogging me down at times.

The gym is my peaceful time, usually, and it doesn't help that I've missed two days this week because I was covering shifts back at my old job in Irvine.

Alyx and I are getting together this weekend to reevaluate what I want to do for me.

I want to do another show - I just need to pick a more reasonable time frame (which she pushed me to do, but I was bullheaded and didn't want to listen)

We have sponsorship for running the SoCal Tough Mudder in July :) I'm totally stoked for it! So now its time to sit down with a big calendar and start seeing what all is going to be going on in our lives for the next 4-6 months.

I need to at some point have an honesty session on here, talk about issues that Matthew and I are dealing with, my love/hate with food and how it love/hates my body, the stress I feel at times being a mom and the fact that I don't feel like I succeed a lot of the time, the joy I have in being a mom and how I'm never quite sure how I was blessed with such an amazing child, the fact that I wish I was OCD so that my house didn't look like the stye it looks like right now, and also the fact that I need to go through all of my shit and get rid of the excess crap that I really truly utterly do not need in my life (like the boxes that haven't been unpacked since they got sent down here)

But I'll save that for another time, when I'm not so tired, and not looking with dread at a wake-up time thats creeping ever so closer.

Waffling

I've spent the last week going back and forth in my mind on whether or not I'm going to do this next competition...

Partly because of my own doubts, but also because I haven't gotten the support that I was hoping for from a few key individuals.

And I remembered today as I was KILLING myself at the gym.

This isn't about anyone else, this is about me. Being able to be happy with myself. Not just physically but also mentally. I'm happiest with myself when I've got a goal that I'm working towards.

It was nice giving myself a kick in the mental butt. So I'm committing to it. I need to push myself to meet my goals. No more "sure I can have an extra piece of whatever" because even though normally it wouldn't affect me (enough to count) it does at the moment.

Today I commit to doing the next show June 9. Not a lot of time, a month, but I know I can buckle down and do it!

Now time to break out the heels and start practicing my posing :)

Only a couple of days late :)

This weeks workout/meal plan.

Meal Plan:
Unlimited fruit before 2 pm.
Unlimited veggies all day.
3 x protein
1 carbohydrate serving a day (not counting fruit/veggies, but rice cakes or the like)

Workout Plan


Day 1, 3, & 6:
1 hour run
30 minutes of abs
30 minutes of some other cardio

Day 2:
100 Pull-ups
4 x 25 Lat pull-downs (80-120lbs)
4 x 25 Seated Row (80-120lbs)
4 x 25 Renegade Rows (20-25lbs)
4 x 25 Good Mornings (45lb weight plate)
4 x 25 Military Shoulder Press (20-30lbs)
4 x 25 Frontal/Lateral Shoulder Raises (10-15lbs)

Day 4:
500 Squats
250 lunges each side
(3 x 33) x 3 Smith Calf Raises
200 Bench Jumps
200 Single leg dead-lift each side

Beginning again

Hey all, so I decided. I'm doing another competition in June.

Fuck you if you can't support me in it :)

Hey, you've been warned that I'm trying to be honest and real in my blog. If you can't support me in a healthy productive goal that I have then please find the door and stop reading my posts.

Today marks the first day of my prep. No this post doesn't have any photos because last night when I stopped by Alyx's to talk with her about this weeks meal plan/workout plan I didn't think to take any. I've gained back a few pounds post competition, I'm sitting at what seems to be about my "normal" weight of 138-140. So time to jump back on the low-carb (natural ones only from fruits and veggies, and maybe a rice cake or two), no added sugars, lean protein wagon. I definitely had my share of cheats this last couple of weeks, and I know I posted about it. Took me a day or 6 to come to terms with it, but I decided I was going to let myself eat what I wanted and do my best to not feel guilty about it (not always successful but I tried damn hard).

This weeks workout plan is this:

Monday:
- 2 hours of cardio of my choice

Tuesday:
- 30 mins of stairs
- 250 squats
- 3 x (3 x 33) Smith Machine calf raises
- 250 leg presses on seated machine
- 3 x 33 plyo lunges
- 45 min Run @ 15% incline

Wednesday:
- 75 Pull-ups
- 100 Burpees
- 150 Push-ups
- 250 squats
- 1 hour stairs

Thursday:
- Bench press:
3 x 20 @50%, 3 x 15 @60%, 3 x 8 @ 70-80% (15 Push-ups between each set)
- Military press:
3x 20 @ 15lbs, 3 x 15 @ 20lbs, 3 x 8-10 @ 30lbs (10-15 curls w/45lbs between each set)
- 1 hour Run

Friday:
- 5 x 5 min plank
- 250 Sit-ups
- 250 Oblique Twists
- 250 Crunches
- 250 Bicycle Crunches
- 6 mile Run

Saturday:
FREEBIE day. Run/yoga/whatever I want to do.

As for my meal plan... Nothing stupid. I know the drill. Lean protein, veggies, my APPLE every morning, and can have a little bit of peanut butter or soy milk with my protein shake (whichever I prefer)

Looking forward to this prep, we're changing a few things up. Want to build up my shoulder cap, build a bit more booty on the top (round it out up on the top), and lean out the inner-thighs a bit. And I'll be doing more calories for longer. I have roughly 4 weeks to do this in, and considering I just came off another competition I don't doubt that I can get it done in that time frame.

Just in case

People started reading this somewhere in the middle, and never went back to the beginning of my blogging adventure. I felt the need to do a photo update/comparison.

January/July '09. I didn't really start my journey until July, but these photos were taken in January. I was 188 lbs, and a size 14. I hated what I saw in the mirror, couldn't stand it when Matthew put his arms around my mid-section, my sex drive was zero, and my self-hatred was at an all time hight. Add in the fact that Steven was 16 months(ish) and I was getting winded trying to keep up with him in the front yard, and I realized that he was only going to get faster. I decided, partially due to a fight that Matthew and I had, and also because I decided I needed to work on loving myself again, that I needed to get back into the gym and find me again. Here are two photos of FAT Zori.

I realize they aren't the best photos, but I wasn't about to let anyone take photos of me while I was that big. I took these using the iPhoto booth app on my MacBook. There are NO other photos of me in just a sports bra, and pants from this time in my life. There aren't any bathing suit photos, and definitely no shorts.

It took me roughly a year and a half to loose a little over 50 lbs, and I did it on my own. A lifestyle change, not a diet. Paying attention to things like serving sizes, actual caloric values, and choosing to cut certain things out completely or reducing them by huge %'s. I've kept the weight off for over a year now, February was officially a year, and I just completed my first NPC Bikini Contest.

I'm blessed that I made friends with an amazing woman, Alyx Luck, who is also a personal trainer. She's competed in NPC events, the Fit category, and has trained other women who have competed. She's open, welcoming, loving, push you past the limits you thought you had, killer, amazing, vegan, tough, excited, happy, energetic, everything wrapped into one.

She worked with me a month before the Marine Corps Birthday this in 2011, I'd gained back about 10 of the 50 lbs I lost, doing the same stupid thing that everyone else does in terms of "I'm working out hard, I deserve this cheat". Except the fact that I was doing that more than once a week... And I loved my results.

A year ago I'd had a thought in passing about competing but thought that there was no way that I could actually get to that point physically - She mentioned it to me, and I mulled it over for well over a month, and then told her that yes I wanted to do it. We kept tossing the idea around, but didn't really commit to it, never actually looking for an event, until it got to the point that I decided either find one and train for it or stop discussing it. So I found one that was far enough out time frame wise to give me enough time to prep for it, and signed up.

For 8 weeks I killed myself daily at the gym. I lived on a strict diet. All with a goal in mind.

To walk across a stage, in a Bikini and heels, under a spot-light and PAY to let people judge me. Sounds crazy right?! But I did it and I loved it! I'm proud of what I accomplished. I went from 188 pounds in July '09 to waking up the morning of my competition at 126 pounds (dry, ie meaning I dehydrated for 2 days to get all the muscles to pop while on stage)

*These were taken the day after the competition, I ate Wendy's after the show along with easily 1 pound of candy. Plus the pickings from the continental breakfast at the hotel in the morning.*

Yes I realize 126lbs on my frame is small, and I have no plans on trying to maintain that weight daily - frankly I enjoy drinking water, and eating food. I plan to try and maintain my weight around 135-140 when I'm not in competition mode. AND I plan on doing this by building healthy muscle and maintaining a meal plan/workout plan that doesn't drain me in my daily life.

I'm proud of the muscle I've developed, and the leanness that I plan on maintaining. I have the ability to lift weights, and run long distances. Not everyone will understand that. I am going to be doing another competition in June, and then hopefully running the Tough Mudder again in July. Having goals and meeting them gives me such a feeling of accomplishment that I will continue to do so.

*These were taken by my friend Richie at the gym Friday morning before my competition. I'm proud of those muscles. I have goals to build certain muscle groups, some because it will help in the next competition, and some because frankly I think I'll look better.*

As to the original intent of this post, its meant as a little catch-up for those who weren't aware of my full transformation.

I've had time

to calm down, collect my thoughts, and try to organize them a bit. Though as usual I'm sure this post will get sidetracked and I'll have to get it back on track again.

I want to say thank you for the concern that friends and family have expressed. I realize for some people who haven't maybe paid a whole bunch of attention to all of my posts that they may think that I was hurting myself, or being unhealthy. I realize that you are concerned and I appreciate it, its un-founded but I appreciate it.

I started writing this blog with the intention of being as truthful as possible. When I decided to write about my experience prepping for and competing in a NPC sanctioned Bikini Contest I did so with the promise to myself that I would write about anything/everything that I chose to.

This was not easy, the whole thing. Figuring out how to balance workouts/home/work/energy reserves took a lot for me. Posting on here when I was having a "bad day" may have drawn attention to my actions more than I meant, BUT I wanted to post the GOOD and the BAD so that no one thought that this was cake.

mmmmm Cake....

Sorry :)

At first I didn't realize how many people might actually be reading this, and then I had more and more people send me private messages, or write on my wall and/or comment on posts. And I figured I needed to keep being honest, in case for some reason I managed to inspire someone else to do something like this. I didn't want anyone going in blind thinking, "Well Zori seemed to do it without any issues. She didn't have bad days, or days where she was hungry, or days where she didn't question her sanity. She didn't have 'fat days' or days where she was ready to throw in the towel and say 'F* it I'm done!' "

I had rough days. Days where I was at the gym screaming at myself in my head, because all I wanted to do was give up and say "I'm done". 2 hours of cardio will take it out of you, and its a good thing that people can't hear what was going on in my head because they would have thought I was crazy. I had days where I got done and was so jazzed that I wanted to keep going, but there is a 2-hour time limit on day care :) Most days I was fine with my food intake, I realize that saying "I survived on 1,100-1,300 calories" doesn't sound like much - but when you sit down and look at what I was consuming I for the most part wasn't super hungry. Lean proteins: tuna, salmon, chicken, lean beef, tofu, and nuts mainly. And TONS of veggies. Trust me, when Alyx would write down Lunch - Lean protein x 2, Veggies 100 calories, you might be surprised how many veggies it takes to equal 100 calories if your eating them raw without dressing of any kind.

Did you realize that there are vegetables that are considered a "negative vegetable"? Where it takes more calories for your body to process what you've consumed, then the amount of calories you actually consumed. I know there are more, but the 3 that always stick with me are Celery, Cucumber, and Spinach.

Throughout this process I've been introduced to new vegetables (ones that I've never eaten/cooked with), and also new ways of consuming them so that I didn't get as bored with my food choices. Cauliflower is AMAZING when you substitute it for mashed potatoes - in fact, its a trick that I plan on continuing to use because I feel like I'm having comfort food without a whole lot of empty calories and a whole lot of useless carbs. Bok choi is something that I've never cooked with before, and in fact I'm not sure if I'd eaten it before 8 weeks ago - now I use it regularly in stir-fries along with tofu, sweet peppers, onion, mushrooms, and garlic.

I've developed eating habits that will stick with me, because I enjoy being healthy. I DID THIS. I started my weight-loss journey in July '09 on my own, making a lifestyle change instead of going on a diet. Diets FAIL! Because people completely deny themselves items for a long stretch of time, and maybe they start working out more, or more intensely for a while BUT at some point they loose all the weight that they were aiming for and gradually those items that they cut out come back into their diet. And then they gain weight back, and then they diet again. Yo-yo'ing is unhealthy, it shocks your system.

I chose to change what I ate, and how I eat it. Yes I still have "cheats", and for the most part don't feel bad when I give in to them - but I am human and I have those inner-demons that like to get the better of me at times. I eat cleaner now than I have ever before, I try to keep processed foods out of my diet and do my best to cook dinner, or Matthew cooks when I'm working, most nights. Canned soups are almost a thing of the past for me (one of my old fall back meals when I was busy), frozen dinners are gone, and most dairy is gone. Which considering I used to be able to kill a gallon of milk on my own in 3-4 days is impressive. But I realize that when I bring that stuff back into my diet my system goes haywire. When I'm not prepping for a contest carbs are brought back in, but honestly I don't hardly crave them anymore...

I think about food before I put it in my mouth, what am I going to gain from eating this? Does it give me short term energy, or long term? What am I looking for at the moment? Am I really hungry? (That one is very important to me because I tend to be a bored eater, or an emotional eater)

I personally don't think I have an issue with food, I have an issue with allowing myself to slide back down the slippery slope of gaining weight. EVERYONE in my family is over-weight. And I don't mean 5-10 pounds, but Clinically Obese, and I grew up thinking that was ok. I never thought about what I was consuming. The fact that I used to consume 2-4 soda's in a day was NOT ok. Snickers while I'm at the grocery store buying frozen pizza for dinner because I'm hungry now and don't want to wait while that sucker is baking, yeah sure sounds great.

My Aunt died 1.5 years ago, and she is probably one of my biggest reasons for getting and staying in shape. I don't think I ever saw her under 250 lbs. She had her first heart-attack before she was 40 years old. 7 stints, and 1 heart bypass later and her health was still for shit. Breakfast was diet-Pepsi, and dinner if my grandma didn't cook was either Mac'n'Cheese, Chili from a can, or Pizza delivered.

I thought that was normal.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be that kind of "normal". I want to be around for Steven. I want to watch my son grow up. I want to be an active parent, I enjoy going to the beach and running around with him (when I'm not being lazy because of the sun and making Matthew chase him). I LOVE the fact that he tells me he wants to grow up and "Be strong like Mommy" and "I want to have big muscles like Mommy" he wants to work out with me, and we do jumping jacks together, or race, he's trying to do push-ups but doesn't have the muscles for that yet. He has so much energy that I look forward to getting him in sports so that it helps to channel his energy and he isn't so spastic at home and playing with his friends in the neighborhood.

I realize that there are people who aren't going to understand the way I choose to live, that they enjoy going to McDonald's (ewww) and eating their Big Mac's and fries. That they live indoors, and their version of hard work is carrying in the 10lb sacks of groceries from their car. BTW, if you can carry a sack of groceries you can curl more than a 5lb dumbbell :)

So once again thank you for your concern, I'm glad that you care enough about me that you felt the need to speak up. But I don't plan on changing the way I choose to live my life. In fact today marks the first day of prepping for another contest in June. Thank you for your support, I love you all.

Post Competition Blues

So I'm taking a break from my Competition update (not that you hadn't noticed that it had been a couple of days since part 1) but I really feel like I need to write about this.

The only reason why I think I can look at this logically is because thankfully I was warned by a friend of mine who had done these competitions before, but I've been dealing with a serious funk the last couple of days. Not constant, but just "eh".

That is until last night.

Last night just plain sucked. Really there is no other way to describe it.

I had a pretty busy Sunday, got up and did a quick trip to the Farmer's Market on the way up to Jump'n'Jammin for a Jake's (a friend of Steven's) 4th birthday party. Afterwards we stopped at the commissary and did the grocery shopping, then home to get busy. 3 loads of laundry total, empty, reload and wash dishes, clean the fridge and get groceries put away. Then we went and hung out with the neighbors for a bit so Steven could play with the kiddos. And then it was inside to cook dinner and dessert to take to Matthew who was on duty.

1 batch of homemade oatmeal cookies
homemade burger patties (4 total for 2 doubles)
homemade sweet potato fries
sauteed onions and mushrooms to go on the burgers

We took everything out to range 314 once it was ready. Spent 10 minutes with Matthew, and then headed out since he was doing training with the students. Then we swung out to Alyx's for a bit to chat and hang out... I feel like what I just typed is ridiculous, and I'm not looking for a gold star, but now I remember why I was addicted to coffee as a stay at home mom.

After we finally got home for the night (we being Steven and I) I got him in bed and then hung out by myself. The cranky mood that had started in just the last few hours took a hold. I've been feeling fat because Friday night after Matthew went to bed I was having some serious cravings for salty/greasy badness but we didn't have anything in the house that would satisfy it exactly... So instead I had like 4-5 salt-free rice cakes with a TON of peanut butter, and like a 1/3 of my 1lb chocolate Easter bunny.

I did get up Saturday and go to the gym, but after work went and gave into my cravings and picked up "Pizza Port" and ate myself silly with carbs, grease, and cheese. I only really had 2 pieces of pizza, but probably ate an entire order of their Beer Buddies (phenom garlic bread) with ranch sauce all on my own. Everything tasted AMAZING!!! Sunday morning though my body let me know just how much it was mad at me :)

Then add on the fact that I didn't work out Sunday, and dipped into the batter while making cookies, and ate too many cookies when hanging with the neighbors and I was feeling pretty hate filled towards myself come Sunday night.

Jen warned me that this was going to happen. That all of a sudden I'd look in the mirror and I wouldn't be at my totally shredded competition physique and I'd loose it. That I'd start hating myself, thinking that I was fat, and go into a mild depression. Add to this that I still battle with my body conscience issues everyday of my life and thats a fun combination to be dealing with.

I finished the last 1/3 of the chocolate bunny last night.

And ate another couple of rice cakes with peanut butter.

After I ate sweet potato fries, thai peanut sauce on celery, and this amazing homemade granola that I buy at the Farmers market while I was over at Alyx's...

Oh, and don't forget the handful of Goldfish because I wanted salty carbs...

And I couldn't sleep. Because I was so MAD at myself. I'm getting "soft" through the mid-section, and I know most of it is due to the fact that I'm actually hydrated again, and that even after a week of not eating the cleanest (ie fruits are back, and I've actually consumed carbs in the form of bread and granola) I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not fat.

But last night = suck

I've been looking at doing another competition. Sometime relatively soon. And last night my inner demons were definitely getting the better of me. I wanted to just say "Fuck it" and give up. Why not get fat again. I could eat whatever I want and screw the consequences. It might be easier on my marriage if I give up this silly idea of competing. That way I'm not grumpy and short tempered (or no more than normal), and so that Matthew and Steven aren't getting burnt out on chicken and stir-fries. My house might not suffer so much from lack of good cleaning (I'm still trying to get caught up on stuff) and I might not feel like a chicken running around with her head cut off half the time during prep.

I couldn't sleep. I think my brain finally gave up enough around 3am to let me black out for a few hours before getting up to take Steven down to Balboa to get his cast removed, YAY!

Got home, ate some protein, got Steven some breakfast and then went into the gym.

And sweated my self-doubt away.

It really truly is amazing what endorphins do for you. I'm getting back on track today. Trying to phase out my "cheats" so that I don't hate myself. Not saying that I'm getting rid of everything yet, though I am looking at doing a competition the first part of June. There is another one May 26th at the same location as the last, but both Alyx and I think it would be better to give myself a few extra days to just get back into the swing of things.

Eating clean to me means: lean meats, veggies, and fruits. Very few carbs that aren't found in the fruits/veggies. Upping my water again (I've been surprisingly bad about it the last few days), and trying to cut dairy for the most part (my body seems to be sensitive to it training wise) A bit of peanut butter here and there isn't going to hurt me, nor will my yummy granola "Half Nuts".

Now that I've rambled this post away I guess I'll get back to my original thought process.

I've been having a rough few days. And it comes and goes. Some of it is directed and has a purpose (or actual cause) and some of it just comes out of nowhere and makes me want to cry. Hormone levels are whonky, sleep schedule is funky, and eating habits are roller-coaster like.

So to everyone who has asked, and those who haven't, Yes this is a tough thing to do. The actual 8 weeks leading up weren't that hard on me (other than keeping up with my workouts). The week following the competition is kicking my ass. But I have great friends who understand and support me. A son who tells me he loves me everyday, and that I'm beautiful/pretty. And a husband who is around when the Marine Corps releases him from his duty.

Thanks for humoring my brain dump again, I'll get back to updating on the competition here very soon but needed to write this piece first.

Post Competition, part 1

So its a few days after the competition. I've been busy with trying to get back to a semi-normal life. Also I've been trying to gather my thoughts so that things are a little bit more coherent. I don't know if I'll accomplish that considering I'm trying to write while Steven plays around the house but we'll see what happens.

Friday night was insane. Alyx and I drove up to Culver City for the Pre-Competition meeting, of course neither of us paid enough attention to see if the meeting was at the Event location, or the event hotel... So we got to the location with plenty of time to spare and no orange people walking around :( after a quick call to Matthew to get the address of the Event Hotel we plugged it into the GPS and made our way over there.

And at that point I started to hyperventilate... I walked into a room filled with all these beautiful women, all wayyyy darker than I (either naturally or because they had already started the fake tan process), and all of them looking like they belonged. And I felt anything but like I belonged in that room.

This competition was so much larger than what I expected, though with the name LA Grand Prix I'm sure I should have been aware that it was going to be a larger competition than one held in Soldotna, AK. Bikini alone had more than 100 women signed up for it. So I was sitting in a room with 100+ women all ranging from 4'9" to 6' (roughly). There were 6 different classes in the Bikini division, A-F, done by height blocks. I was in the 5'7"+ class, Class F. And there were roughly 20 women in my class alone.

After everything was finally done, Alyx and I didn't get out of there until after 10pm, we drove back to San Clemente to spend a lot of time getting to know each other really well. And by this I'm referring to the application of my Pro-Tan.

Pro-Tan

The stuff that turned me almost black the night we applied it, and by the next morning I was dried to a burnt orange. It was so strange looking down at my hands and seeing the color difference - heck I'm still orange right now. Everything is fading, but it isn't gone by any stretch of the imagination yet.

Add to all of this the fact that Friday I was surviving on 600 calories, and 8oz or less of liquids and I was LOOPY by the time Alyx got done applying the wonderfully smelling Pro-Tan. I stumbled to bed and did what I refer to as the "death sleep" I didn't move. Created a dent in the bed where I slept for the 5-6 hours I got.

Saturday morning we got up early so I could straighten my hair, and get everything together to take with us up to the competition.

I did NOT wear my suit there, knowing I had hours before I needed to be in my gear. We got up there around 9am (neither of us had caught the exact time we needed to be at the Event Venue so decided early was better than late). And then the waiting began. Pre-judging began at 11am. You were allowed to leave the venue once your division was done, to go where ever you chose in between the morning event and the evening show.

I spent most of the day in a fog - that tends to happen when you eat just enough protein to keep you awake

and it was sort of a blessing because it didn't allow me to freak out/psych myself out of the competition. Starting a little bit before I was supposed to go back stage to get ready to head out for my judging Alyx started giving me CANDY.

Yes thats right, Starburst Jelly Beans, or as I referred to them - HEAVEN in a pill form. It was for the glycogen burst to make all my muscles and veins pop. You have to realize that at this point I was pretty dehydrated, hadn't eaten much in the last 24-48 hours, and was at my all time lowest, dry, weight ever. When I woke up Saturday morning I weighed 126 pounds. Yes, I am very aware of how little that is on someone of my build. I think the last time I weighed that little I was probably 10 (maybe 12). Anyways, back to my HEAVEN in a compact form :) Its amazing what a burst of sugar will do to a girl.

I went back stage and basically got naked... I mean I was standing in a room with I don't know how many other women, and we're all there in bikinis, stripper heels, fake tans, fake nails, fake lashes, and so much make-up its amazing we can move our faces... And the idiocy/irony of it all hit me. What was I doing? Why had I tortured myself, starved myself, killed myself for eight long weeks? Was I really about to prance across a stage, practically naked, and PAY people to judge me?

Yes.

I realized standing in the pre-rooms that I hadn't practiced my posing enough. I felt confident with my walk, surprising considering I was wearing heels that topped out at 7". But my posing was a different matter all together... All these girls were popping their hips out, standing in what my friend Opal referred to as their "slut butt" poses with their booties poppin out, and had these well rehearsed hair-flips and cute smiles. I had NONE of these things so spent time "practicing" my poses/learning on the fly.

I maintained a cool head in the pre-rooms. I managed to keep the nerves mostly at bay when they finally called Class F (for Fun). And started shaking and hyperventilating when we were standing in the wings waiting to be called. And just as I was walking out one of the backstage guys snagged my glasses for me.

So I was blind, walking across a stage in 7" heels, on carpet, trying to hit tape marks that I could only barely see due to the stage lights blinding me.

And I didn't eat it! Alyx told me later she could see the nerves in my eyes, but that most people probably wouldn't be able to.

I felt like I was going to shake apart at the seams. Like my face was going to split in half from my fake smile, and I knew my "slut butt" pose was lacking.

BUT I did it.

Its late

And I'm tired.

Today has been crazy. Gym, home and shower and throw some tuna in my face, then off to get eyelash extensions, eyebrow wax, spray tan, back to eyelashes to finish, and then home to cook dinner, do laundry, and finish up mailers for DrS.

Whew!

I've wanted to write updates all week, but with everything going on I just haven't carved out the time to do so. People have been asking me through this whole process how can I do it? How can I survive on so little caloric intake, and huge crazy workouts - honestly until this week I haven't felt drained or exhausted for the most part. I have my cranky/moody/bitchy moments but nothing down and out drained.

Until now.

With the crazy up my water intake, and then drop it back down along with cutting calories to get every last little bit of definition to pop its insane.

I'd planned to try and do photos everyday this week to chart this last weeks progress, that did NOT happen :) Both Alyx and I were crazy busy and it just fell to the side.

My emotions and thoughts are super mixed and jumbled. I'm happy/scared/nervous/pumped all rolled into one. I'll have a "Yes! Its almost here!" moment, and then a "Oh shit! I'm gonna be on stage in X number of hours!!!" moment.

I'm sitting here right now and its just after 10 pm Thursday night. I have tomorrow to workout, and run a few last minute errands and get my stuff together, then Alyx and I are driving up for the Pre-Competition meeting tomorrow evening. Afterwards we are driving back so that Alyx can PAINT ME.

Yep, I said Paint me. With this stuff called Pro-Tan.

I'm about to get my Costa Rican on! :)

Then we'll sleep for a few hours, hopefully, and drive back up Saturday morning.

I'm nervous as all get out, haven't spent enough time practicing on my heels, or my poses. I don't know if I'm peppy enough to pull this off - I watch videos of girls doing this on YouTube and they are all smily and crap. We know that I don't walk around this world with a shit-eating grin on my face. So Yeah I'm a bit nervous about that looking "fake" but hell most of me is going to be looking fake. Between the eyelashes, the tan, my hair, and my nails... So why not the smile too?! :)

Sorry, I'm rambling aren't I? This is what I mean, I'm having a hard time centering my thoughts. It happened while Christine was working on my lashes too - I was laying there for the better part of 2 hours (all said and done, though I did have 2 different time slots) and my thoughts kept bouncing around... Usually I can lay there and we either chat, or I just zone - today I just couldn't get there.

I don't really know if any of this is making sense at the moment. I need to get Steven fed, he fell asleep on the couch at 6:30 and of course just woke up demanding food. And now I need to try and get him to go back to bed. If I have time I'll try and do another post tomorrow, or maybe Saturday morning before we head out (I have a feeling I wont be sleeping much.) And I promise to let everyone, whoever you all are, know how this adventure/experiment turns out :)

April 8th, photo update

So of course these were taken Easter Sunday, but with everything going on I haven't had a chance to write anything to go along with the post... Heck I'm exhausted tonight, but decided that it just needed to get done, and seeing as the competition is in officially two days this needed to get written. I think I'm going to go with a couple of different posts. This one is going to cover photos and this weeks workout/meal plan. So here are my photo updates, not the best pictures, we were working around Alyx's parents being in town and trying to do them quickly and quietly before running off to Easter service.

*** Disclaimer*** I have no idea what just happened but I managed to delete the last photo, herp-derp :-/

Anyways onto the meal plan/workout plan. *I got to add salt back into my diet on Thursday of last week, so I got salt Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon and then it was gone again.*

Monday:

2 Gallons of water/salt

1,200 calorie intake for the day - protein and veggies (I pretty much know the drill at this point as to what I'm allowed and what I'm not)

3 x 1 hour of Cardio

2 x 25 donkey kicks

2 x 25 good mornings

Tuesday:

2 Gallons of water/NO SALT

No Mio after today (thank goodness for Mio when you're drinking 2 gallons of water)

1,100 calories for the day - protein and veggies

2 x 1 hour cardio

100 Push-ups

200 Squats

50 Pull-ups (I'm super proud to say I did ALL 50, unassisted, in 5 sets of 10 each)

50 Plyo-lunges

50 Burpees

Wednesday:

1.5 gallon of water

1,000 calories - protein and veggies

No Stevia after today

3 x 1 hour cardio

2 x 50 donkey kicks

2 x 50 good mornings

Thursday:

.75-1 gallon of water

900 calories - protein and veggies

dandelion root extract

2 x 1 hour cardio

250 squats

250 lunges, both sides - This did get edited and no lunges, just Adductor/Abductor machines (3 x 15) @ 90 lbs

(3 x 33) Smith machine calf raises @ 40lbs

250 Sit-ups

250 Crunches

Friday:

Enough water to keep mouth wet, aiming for 8 oz or less

600 Calories

2 protein shakes - Talked to Alyx and we determined Tuna would be better, no extra liquid that way.

Veggies of choice - no jicama, potatoes, carrots, cauliflower, or broccoli. STAY GREEN

3 x 1 hour of cardio if possible.

Obviously there were some tweaks this week. With scheduling and everything else there were a couple of days where I couldn't fit in the full cardio - just not enough hours/energy in the day.

Body Competition + kids

I don't know how this is for anyone else, obviously I never tried to do a competition Pre-kid so I don't have anything to measure this against...

But this is hard.

Not only do I have to be responsible for myself, but I've got a 4 year old and all the baggage that goes along with that.

Do you know how hard, extra hard, it is to follow a diet(strict at that) when you've got a kiddo and all their snacks just chilling around the house? Not only am I talking about the goldfish, of which I'm a sucker for, but then you've got fruit-snacks, granola bars, cookies, candy (very little but there are a few pieces floating around our house) but lunch time stuff... PEANUT BUTTER!!!!

OMG! Steven has been obsessed with PB&J's lately, but he doesn't eat the crust usually and as mommy its my job to finish his scraps so that we aren't throwing food away - or at least thats normally my job, but I can't indulge right now... :( I miss having more than my 1 tbsp of PB and fight the urge to lick clean the knife from the PB, and the spoon from the strawberry jam EVERYDAY...

Not only that but I'm trying my hardest to keep everything balanced these days - but when your spending roughly 2 hours a day in the gym it gets hard trying to keep the juggling act going... With lack of sleep (partly my fault), lack of food, and then extreme exercise I find myself dragging usually by mid-afternoon so I'm becoming used to caffeine again.

RockStar Zero Carbs to be exact.

YES! I know how awful it is for me. Yes I'm aware of the chemicals... Blah, blah, blah. Right now there are days where its the only thing that gets me through the day. I've been told I can have coffee, black, but seeing as its been over a year for coffee for me it kinda tastes AWFUL.

Back to the kid situation.

I know I've got a short fuse lately, and I've been trying my best to stay on top of it. Talking with Steven more, trying to get him to understand that mommy doesn't have much in the way of patience at the moment and that I need him to listen to me the first time. Sometimes it works. Other times, not so much.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this - I just had this thought earlier today that I needed to write it down. That doing a Body Competition is hard. Doing it with a kiddo for me is HARD!

But I love him, and I get excited when he tells me that he wants to be strong like Mommy. So I just need to keep that in mind the next time I'm loosing it when I'm having to ask him to pick up his toys for the 12th time that day :)