Self Image

I know we all have a version of ourselves that we see... Whether its accurate or sadly blown out of proportion it exists.

I've been mulling over this since Saturday, when we went to the beach together as a family...

It was beautiful out, and of course I wore my new bikini. At first I planned on just taking off my tank top, and wearing the shorts I had on over my bottoms but at some point I changed my mind and took off the shorts. And I just about had a panic attack.

I'm still not ok with being that "naked" in public. Yes, I realize that I was wearing some cloth on my body, and I do mean some cloth, because lets face it bikini's leave NOTHING to the imagination.

As long as I focused on Steven and Matthew I was ok. I just blocked everyone else out of my mind... Taking pictures of the two of them playing, and joining in on the fun myself helped keep me from hyperventilating, but at some point I had to be polite and recognize others on the beach with us. And the voices of self doubt would start.

"Your too white." "Your thighs are fat." "Your stretch marks are ugly." "Your extra skin on your tummy is showing."

Basically everything that makes me want to find the nearest mu-mu and hunker down in the sand where no one can see me.

No matter how much I've changed my outward appearance I still hear those voices from my past.

And then I pushed myself so far outside of my comfort zone its not even funny. I needed to go to the bathroom and the only public restroom was all the way back up the beach in the parking lot... Instead of putting on my shorts and tank top, I walked up the beach in nothing but my bikini carrying my flip flops for once I got to the asphalt. I'm pretty sure I hyperventilated the entire way there...

I kept singing songs to myself in my head, kept my head down, and repeated "not everyone is looking at you" to myself... You'd think I was back in high-school and 15 years old thinking that you are the center of everyone's attention. (btw, I've never been comfortable with being the center of attention for more than short periods of time with close friends, much less complete strangers)

Even writing about this experience has taken me the better part of 2 days because I don't like the idea of sharing this with people. But I know that I'm not the only person who feels something like this.

I've got a serious body conscious issue. And I have for so long I've forgotten what its like to not be worried about the way I look. I'm a bulimic, and have been since 8th grade. I say that in the present tense because it never goes away, even if you haven't purged in years - there are triggers that occur that make you consider doing it again... And part of what goes with having this body conscious issue is the fact that I'm constantly worried about how I look in my clothing, or lack there of.

This Life-style Change that I've made, the whole loosing 50 pounds, has been a definite journey. I've done it the healthiest way I knew how. And I was very conscious the entire time that I wanted to do it as naturally as possible and that I had to be patient with myself. That it wasn't going to happen over night, and that to keep in off in the long run I needed to do this the right way. Those closest to me know that I purged for almost 2 years of my life, and I did have a few people ask if I was alright when they started noticing a big difference in my weight. I want to say that I never once during this change actually purge - but I hit a couple of walls during that year and a half in which I found myself desperately wanting to after splurging.

For me, the reason I'm putting this out there, is because I need to give it voice. I need to be able to tell others that I don't think I'm perfect. That I have had tough days, and days in which I thought that there was no way this was going to be possible.

I still have "fat days". Or moments in which I regret my clothing choices. I had a mini-melt down at the beach a couple of weeks ago with Matthew and Steven when I saw in the space of about 5 minutes 20 different women walk by with perfectly flat stomachs, tiny little bubble butts, and thighs that have never touched each other when walking... And then I reminded myself.

"I am not who I was." I have made a decision to live a healthy lifestyle so that I can be happy with myself, and happy in the life that we are creating.

So next time at the beach, as long as its warm enough and I have enough sunscreen to combat a nuclear fallout, I will rip off my bikini covering and run and play with Steven and Matthew in the surf. Until then, I will continue to work on my self image.

Awesome Saturday

Today was wonderful. Steven and I got up around 6 and snuggled and played together for a while - then I got us ready and we went to the gym while Matthew slept in...

My workout was a good one. I did the crossramp for 35 minutes total, a 30 minute workout with a 5 minute cool down - total distance of 3.7 miles. Then moved on to stretches, core work, a bit of arms and back, and for legs did calf press, leg press, and the glute machine.

Then I ran home to get showered and changed over to spend time with my boys before going to do a 1:30 massage... Our time together turned into playing in the front yard, and working on some gardening in between blowing bubbles and chasing Steven.

My massage was a bust though - my client never showed :(

But from there I went home, and once Steven was awake we packed us all up and headed down to the beach. We tried to go to Trestles but there was no street parking available and we just didn't really feel like paying $10 for parking... So instead we drove down to Calafia Beach and had a blast.

I always feel a bit sorry for those around us... I'm so WHITE that I know its got to hurt their eyes, but at the same time I refuse to wear a mu-mu... So I'm sorry to my fellow beach goers... You'll need to invest in a good pair of sunglasses while I'm around.

I love being down by the water. I especially love it when we go as a family and I can watch my two boys play together. I definitely get in on the action, but I enjoy stepping back and grabbing my camera to capture some memories.

Steven is such an outgoing kid. If there are children around he walks up and starts playing with them. I love that he isn't shy around kids. Today he made another "beach girlfriend" as I refer to them. He has a knack of finding the cute little girls, and being so darn sweet to them (watch out for him in a few years, I already know he's going to give me grey hair!).

I know this post doesn't really have a point, but I just felt the need to share. This was an awesome day. I hope you all were blessed with smiles and laughter today too.

Holy Cow

I did it.

Stephanie did the Body Fat % measurements on me today. Originally she did the measurements for a 7 point skin fold test (that sounds lovely right?!) but she could only find her graph for the 3 point skin fold test (again lovely). She calculated everything out, took into account my age, weight and height and my % is....

18.5%

I'm amazed! Of course at first I had no idea what that actually meant. But she explained to me that for women who are NOT athletic the average range is 22-30%, athletes usually have a range of 12-20%. So I'm in the high end of the athletic range....

I'm stoked! I honestly went in with no expectations... I knew my % wouldn't be high, but like I said I walked in not knowing what high or low actually was.

So this once again boosts my confidence that what I'm doing is making a difference in my body and my health. I don't want to get much lower, just because I do enjoy having some curves, but I do plan on continuing to maintain where I'm at. Now I just need to figure out what I'm doing with the idea of the low carb challenge...

Pushing myself

Pushing myself out of my comfort zone is always difficult. Today I upped all of my leg weights... I figured I've got to do something new and different as long as I'm not running.

Hopefully on Thursday one of the two Dr's where I work will have time in their schedule to look at my foot - I'm beyond done with this whole no running thing. I want to sign up for Tough Mudder, but right now I don't want to pay the $$$ if I'm not going to be able to race because I did something that really jacked up my foot.

On my way home from the gym my glutes started screaming at me. Hateful, profane things that I'll be kind enough to not post here online. Just suffice it to say that they didn't like the fact that I was sitting on them after torturing them for so long.

Tomorrow I'll really push myself out of my comfort zone. I made an appointment with Stephanie, one of the trainers at the gym, for her to do a Body Fat % measurement. How silly is it that I'm nervous to find out where I am right now? I know I've lost so much weight since I began this journey, yet at the same time I'm nervous that I haven't gotten as far as I'd like...

My 4 week Challenge has kind of been sucking the last week plus, I haven't been all that bad, but I've been bad enough that I know that I haven't made the most of my body and its potential. I'm considering extending it right now... Or to be honest, I'm considering re-starting it. This time doing research before beginning. That way I can have plenty of snack foods, and main course stuff that is carb-friendly... Instead of just denying myself the bread or pasta that I make for Steven and Matthew.

At this point I think I'll finish out my official 4 weeks, do another weigh in and taping of my body, and then use that as a starting point.

I know that I'm in good shape, but its hard now that my schedule has changed and there are 2 days during the week that I'm not making it in to the gym. Someone asked me why don't I just go at night on Mondays and Thursdays, and the honest answer is that I'm exhausted. 14 patients a day, each for a 30 minute massage, breaks down into 7 hours of massage... Most of that is spent on my feet, though with a couple I do have the ability to sit so that I can work on whatever it is that they are being seen for. I am waking up early those days and doing core work, planks, weighted squats, and adding in push-ups... But it still feels like I'm being lazy compared to my "usual" workout.

I think I might add in Sunday mornings... But that depends on Matthew getting up early enough to watch Steven for me.

Hurm.... Well I need to jump off of here for now. On to my "to do" list for the day. And putting some thought into my latest desire to push myself.

In Trouble Now

We are so in trouble... Steven is now to the point where if you promise him something or tell him something that you were maybe hoping he'd forget, he remembers it. And I don't mean just for 5 minutes or so, but for days.

Sunday I took Steven to the beach after giving a massage to a private client. I felt bad for Matthew, Steven had been a pill all morning while I ran to the Farmer's Market, and then again when I was with my client. So I left him at home to relax and play some CoDMW.

At the beach we had a great time playing in the surf, chasing the waves, and building things in the sand. But as with every fun day it had to come to an end. As we headed back to the car we passed a family who had stopped for milkshakes before coming to the beach to watch the sunset. Steven saw them and started asking for a milkshake.

"Momma, milkshake pees?!" started getting repeated over and over as I was trying to get him out of his wet clothes, dried off and into fresh clothes for the ride home.

So to finally be done hearing this get repeated over and over at my head I told him that if he was a good boy he could maybe get one on Tuesday after Mommy was done at the gym. That it was too late at night for him to have one now, but maybe Tuesday.

So guess what he's been asking for? A milkshake. Yesterday (Monday) he asked if we were going to the gym, and then asked for a milkshake. I had to explain to him that no we weren't going to the gym on Monday, that if he was good he could maybe have a milkshake on Tuesday after the gym. Last night he was telling me as we went to bed that after the gym he wanted a milkshake.

And this morning instead of my usual, "Momma get out of bed" that I hear at 0600, the first thing I heard this morning was "Milkshake momma, after gym."

I know that he's been learning and growing, but this just sort of cements that point. Everything we say and do makes an impression on him. And I can't make empty promises because he will remember if I promise to take him to the park, the beach, or that I promised him a treat if he does something for us.

Its amazing watching him make these connections. One day he didn't understand the concept of later, the next not only does he understand the concept, but he remembers when later is.

I've got to jump off here now, I'm getting yelled at to get ready for the gym. Someone is very impatient for momma to get her sweat on so he can get his grub on!

Hair pulling

I swear I'm going to be bald before Steven turns 4.

Already we're firmly in the defiant 3 year old stage, and its wearing on me. Both Matthew and I hit our limit with the attitude numerous times a day, and we have to keep reminding each other to take a deep breath.

I can't begin to tell you the number of times he tests, pushes, and blows right past boundaries each and everyday. He's gotten this look... where he knows what he's doing isn't allowed, and yet he does it as he looks at you and smiles.

I hate being "that mom" the one who yells. But its been happening lately, I try so hard not too - but sometimes my voice is raised before the thought even fully forms in my mind.

Its hard when you see him grab something off the counter that could hurt him, like a steak knife, and he starts to run through the house with it. If I ask for it back he giggles and runs even faster away. If I chase him he thinks its a game. But if I don't all these awful scenarios play through my head in a matter of seconds as to what might happen if I don't get the knife out of his hands.

This kid has no fear. He doesn't fear heights, or more accurately he doesn't fear falling. He doesn't have a fear of mommy and daddy not being there - he runs away from us when we're out and about, like at the outlet mall a couple of weeks ago... I think its because he knows that there is no way I'm going to let him out of my sight. No matter how hard I try to stand firm and act like I'm going to walk away, I can't...

We try to redirect, or side track. We try to be aware of the words that we're using, and the tone of voice that we deliver them in. I get so tired of saying "Steven, No!"

Cody and Heather asked me a question while they were visiting with us, where did I come up with the habit of saying "Steven I love you, no you can't.... (fill in the blank)" and I told them it was because I'd gotten tired of always feeling like all I said to him was negative. This way I can remind him that I do love him, and that the reason why I'm telling him no (for what ever it is) is because its something that isn't safe, polite, or appropriate.

Yesterday Matthew took Steven to the beach while I was at work, and he told me that when they came back on base he stuck his tongue out at the gate guard. I laughed so hard when he told me, but its one of those things thats kind of a no-no when you live in a military community.

I realize that this, like most of my posts is pretty rambling and random - I type as the thoughts come to mind...

I need to jump off here and go rescue some cars from under my couch before a certain little 3 year old looses his mind and wakes the neighborhood screaming for them.

Halfway through

I'm at the halfway point of my 4 week low-carb challenge... And honestly I don't want to weigh or tape myself today, because I was bad this past weekend...

Actually I was bad on Thursday when Cody and Heather were here, we went and got Selma's Chicago style deep dish pizza for dinner with them... Then Friday night after Matthew went to bed I gave in to my inner fat-girl and popped a bag of Movie Style butter popcorn and ate the WHOLE bag by myself (my body hated me the next day at the gym for that one).

Saturday I was actually good, mainly because I knew the next day we were going to be having cupcakes for Steven's birthday and there was going to be no way that I passed up a Albertson's store bought, cupcake badness with that oh-so-fake icing. I had one on Sunday at Jump'n Jammin, and then another half of one that night when we gave Steven his second with a lit candle...

Right at this moment there are 2 cupcakes left, sitting in my kitchen, taunting me every time I walk past them...

The last two days have been torture, all I want is carb badness... Like spaghetti with a huge hunk of garlic bread... Or a burger on a big crusty bun... Chocolate... mmmm, cookies - really who doesn't love a fresh baked soft cookie with chocolate chunks in it?!?

I've been trying to substitute natural sweetness to curb my cravings, fresh strawberries from the market, apples, and oranges... And while they taste amazing - none of them are curbing my urges. And then the urge for salty hits, and all I want is potato chips, or french fries... Chili cheese fries... Those sound heavenly right now...

I know this is something that I've done to myself, and honestly I could break it - but I also feel like I've made it halfway... I know I can finish it, but right now I want to give up! Its not just the low-carb bit, but I just want to be bad for a day... But being bad for a day, effects more than just one day. It undoes so much work that I've done...

Usually I don't feel guilty if I'm craving something like a burger, I'll go to Carl's Jr and get one... But for some reason right now the idea of giving in to my cravings, my urges, just seems to be completely unproductive.

I know I'm rambling at this point - mainly because I'm lost in thought of the things that I really want to be eating at the moment.

Maybe later tonight I'll get up the courage to tape myself, and get my measurements... If I do, and I'm feeling brave enough I'll post them here. Have a good one. Pura vida my friends.

Tomorrow

My little man turns 3. I can't believe it, where has the time gone?!?!!! This birthday really snuck up on me, between graduating, interviewing, and juggling everything else I looked up the beginning of this week and realized I'd done nothing to prep for it!

So I began the frantic planning of a birthday party - started stressing myself out, looking online for party stuff, trying to decide if we should rent another bounce house like we did last year, planning the party foods, trying to decide if I should order a cake, or try and bake something and decorate it without him seeing me...

And then I remembered - he's turning 3... This doesn't have to be the be all and end all of parties. We can't afford ponies, or a petting zoo... No big grab bags of party favors.

Tomorrow morning I'm making a baked apple pancake, and sausages. We're going to open up all his presents from us and our family. Then we're going to take him to Jump'n Jammin and a couple of his little friends are going to join us. We're going to have cupcakes, and pizza... Two things that he loves.

I still haven't decided on his birthday dinner - trying to figure out things that he really wants to eat right now is a bit of a pain. But I'm sure we'll get it under control before he's yelling at us to feed him.

Looking back at pictures of him I can't believe how much he's grown and changed in 3 years... My baby boy is 3. I swear we just had his 2nd birthday a couple of months ago... He's learning things so fast, some of which make me want to tear out my hair, but I'm blessed. Matthew and I have to help each other remember that sometimes when he's running around the house, screaming at the top of his lungs for whatever it is that he wants at the moment. He can push our buttons so quickly, and then have us laughing in seconds.

I wish we could bottle his giggles, I've never heard anything so magical before in my life. No matter what my mood is, if Steven starts laughing I can't help but laugh and giggle in return. The joy he gets out of playing with his toys, whether its his planes, cars, trains, Mickey, whatever - he tells stories to them, makes up scenarios, and generally has a ball. There are times where I'm in the kitchen cleaning up or cooking, and I hear him playing in the living room and I just have to stop whatever I'm doing and go watch him.

Seeing him smile and hearing him laugh. Thats when I know God exists.

Happy Birthday my little "turbo" man. I love you with all of my heart. You are our blessing, now and for forever.

Long week

But a good one in the end. I could take the time and write out my days, but honestly I think it would be pretty darn boring for anyone else to read.

The highlights were:

• 2 Massages at C'Siren - one sugar scrub and massage combo, and the other this afternoon was a Hot Stone. I get to go back in next week, get a bit more hands on training so she feels comfortable that I know what she expects at the spa, and then hopefully I'll be on the books within the next week!
• Cody and Heather's visit! It was awesome that we were able to make our schedules work and get together! Thank you two for hanging out with Steven and I yesterday afternoon, and then coming and hanging out on the beach for a bit, and then a late dinner at our place last night. I really enjoyed spending time with you and catching up.
• Training today in Irvine, I'm feeling really confident for this new job and can't wait to start on Monday. Super new path, one that will help me grow as a Massage Therapist.
• Beach time, both yesterday night with Heather and Cody, and then today as a family. That doesn't happen much (mainly because Matthew doesn't really appreciate sand any more). I felt so blessed this afternoon to watch my two boys play and frolic in the surf, as I did my best to snap a couple of pictures with my iGlitch and keep it from getting wet.

The rest of my week was pretty mundane... The usual gym time, though I've been kind of stretching my time there since I haven't had a definite schedule. Sort of cleaning and sorting as the week has gone on.

Soon I'm going to have to break down and attack our garage - I'll do before and after pictures so you can really understand just how bad it truly is. But when I say it looks like someone took a hand grenade and tossed it in... not too far off.

I hope you all had a wonderful week, full of laughter and smiles. Remember to enjoy the small moments, those can be the most important ones.