But I've made a couple of non-specific posts on Facebook as my status lately and I've gotten mixed reactions. Most have been positive, people saying that they are thinking of Matthew and I, sending prayers... But I know some have been "scandalized" that I've put even the most generic posts up asking for prayers for Matthew as he goes through a difficult time. And I've talked with friends, and family, and I've come to realize that 1) this is a surprise for most people because I've refused to say anything for 3+ years and 2) there is this ridiculous stigma in the Military that makes it almost impossible to admit that a service member may be having a difficult time coping with what they've seen/done.
Matthew does not currently know that I'm writing this, hopefully I get to speak to him tonight and inform him. I am concerned that he will become upset that I've chosen to speak so openly about this, yet at the same time I know that we are NOT the only military family dealing with difficulties brought about by time overseas.
I refuse to remain silent about this any longer.
My husband has Alcohol related dependency due to PTSD. IE, he drinks to pass out almost every night so that he doesn't remember the nightmares/night-terrors.
The thing is that hardly anyone talks about the issues that exist for our Military members if they come back physically whole. Granted its hard to ignore someone's problems if they are missing a limb, but so many of our men and women fall through the cracks because their scars are not visible to the naked eye.
We've had to fight tooth and nail for a month and a half to get him back from Japan, because HE asked for help. The first 24-48 hours he felt like he was being listened to and then it turned into a waiting game... No one wanting to be responsible for the Marine who said "Hey I have a drinking problem, and I have PTSD". He was supposed to be back 2 weeks ago, and then something happened with the paperwork and his orders were canceled. Of course I'll never get the full story behind that but that was the first time I made an generic post on my status and all of a sudden help rained down around us from outside sources. I had other wives reach out and tell me that they had to fight for 2+ years to get their husband help, that they had to take them to other government bases and check them into the ER, that they are still fighting to get payment from the VA. But we had friends run up the political channel and get us contact information for the Military and Veterans Assistance Officer through the State of AK, and a Congressional Inquiry has been opened into why it took them as long as it did to get Matthew help.
*Side note, none of this is being written for sympathy for myself or Matthew. Nor am I going to go into depth on any personal issues that may have occurred pre/post incident that incited him to reach out and ask for help. This is purely about the stigma and how I think we need to raise our voices in support of our military.*
I will admit, for the last 3+ years this has been a very large elephant in the room between him and I. The drinking wears down a marriage and a friendship. I was embarrassed if we joined the neighbors for BBQ's or late night fire pits and he was catatonic by 10pm. I refused to talk with friends about it, instead choosing to laugh it off, or pretend it didn't exist.
Matthew did NOT want me talking about it to anyone because what if somehow, someway someone in his command found out about it. His career, trying to protect it, became #1 concern. Plus, "Everyone else was drinking right? All the other guys have seen stuff thats just as bad as him and they are fine, right? No one else admits to the dreams, the night terrors... They all must be fine. I can't admit to anything, I'll be seen as weak. Not a Marine."
WRONG!!!!
The thing that kills me is that so many Marine's and their families suffer in silence. Or suffer loudly. Matthew thankfully drank and passed out, while many other Marine's that I have seen drink and then get angry and loud. Maybe that is why some people were so surprised when I started talking about it... They saw him knock back a few when we would all hang out, not realizing that he does that just about every night.
Honestly though the main problem, the drinking, is directly related to the PTSD that he has. I feel like if he could get help, someone who actually listened to his problems and cared (health professional) and gave him coping mechanisms then he would learn to control the drinking. So far he's been treated generically and has been made to feel as if he isn't important, that his issues mean nothing. Yes he has done the standard "Come back from Deployment Mental Health screening" that is mandated when they get home from overseas duty, but the thing is all of them know how to pass it in a way that won't raise flags because they want to be able to stay in and not be medically separated/retired. *At this point he will probably be medically separated later this year*
The lip service that is given to the media about how much care our Veterans are receiving is crap. Yes, those who are physically injured are receiving better care than they ever have before, but 50% better still isn't fantastic considering they started at 25%. Veterans fall through the cracks everyday.
I guess that is where a lot of my personal frustration comes from. Yes, I'm pissed that they jerked Matthew around for so long, but the thing is he isn't 1 in 10,000 and accidentally fell through the cracks, but in reality his situation is much more the norm than the exception.
I'm trying really hard right now to reign in my rant and keep this post coherent but I have so many thoughts and points floating around in my head that its very difficult.
The main point I'm trying to get across I guess, is that I am not ashamed of Matthew asking for help. I am not ashamed to admit that my husband, the father of my child, has PTSD. I am not ashamed that I am talking openly about it, and will be posting further on it. I am not ashamed to admit that because of this our marriage has had some incredibly rocky times, and will probably continue to do so. I am not ashamed to admit that neither of us is perfect and reaching out for help needed to happen a long time ago. And I won't be made to feel ashamed to tell you that certain things will never be anyone else's business but Matthew's and mine.
I make no promises to share any more than I already have, nor do I promise to not share a bundle more. It depends on where this program leads Matthew, and subsequently myself and Steven.
I will say please speak out. If you know of someone who needs help, help them find it. Fight for it. Scream from the rooftops if you have to, plant your behind in someone's office until they acknowledge you. Don't let another Veteran fall through the cracks, don't let your spouse, significant other, best friend, fellow human being feel as if they are alone. Help them. Show them that there is nothing to be ashamed of.
We have asked so much from these young men and women. We have given them guns and sent them to foreign lands. Telling them don't get shot, don't get blown up... Do what you have to to come home. But when you do come home, don't admit that what you've seen is more than you can handle. Don't tell us that things we could never even dream of you've witnessed/you've done. You are a Marine. Act like one!
Now its our time to help them. To stand up and get them heard. If me sharing any of this helps one person, then I'm glad I've done it. The more voices raised in support means the greater chance we have of being heard. Now I'm going to post this before I chicken out and give into the "Don't ask, don't share." mindset again.
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