A video of TM SoCal, Shot on Saturday but an awesome overview of the obstacles.

10 Tough Miles (SoCal Tough Mudder) - May 2011 from Fourchinnigan on Vimeo.

ATM (After Tough Mudder)

I think I will always think of things, as BTM and ATM.

"Before Tough Mudder" and "After Tough Mudder"

So much has been going on since I last really posted (other than my two posts on TM).

We've added a new member to the family.

Rusty: Our roughly 10 month old, German Shepard/Black Lab mix

Going to Disney with our cousins Jennifer and Lucas, me running the Tough Mudder, and Matthew and Steven going to SeaWorld with Jen and Lucas while I was trying to survive my TM experience.

Friends being lost and made, old friends coming out of the woodwork, and as always new learning experiences.

I hit the ground running - literally - the next day after running TM. My time was no where near where I hoped it would be, but it was so cold th

at for at least half the race I didn't/couldn't run. My feet were so cold that I didn't trust my footing at all and didn't want to risk going ass over tea kettle down the side of the mountain. So at the end of it, I actually had quiet a bit of "run" left

in my legs.

The next day saw me in the gym, doing a 3.5 mile run in 30 minutes.

I would LOVE to do the TM NorCal event in September, but as of right now I don't see it happening financially. Matthew said he'd like to run the next event with me, so to pay for both of our entry fees, the gas $ to get up to the event, at least one nights stay (somewhere even a camp ground), and coming up with childcare for 24+ hours... Yeah I don't see it happening right now. :(

BUT I will run it again in SoCal next May, and if we are still in the area I will make sure that I've got the $$$ saved up to do the NorCal event 2012.

Yes I'm crazy... But unless you've been there you don't understand how it kind of grabs ahold of you. These are just a few of my "battle wounds".

I proudly showed my bruises and scrapes to anyone who asked, and wore my headband at the gym - I LOVED my experience with Tough Mudder. And Welcome anyone who is crazy enough to join me for my next moment of "Insanity".

Its been a while, Part 2

*I really need to be better at this, more for myself so that I can get all these thoughts and memories down*

I left off at us starting the race. Tough Mudder for those coming in a bit late ;)

We had to hike up a bit for the starting point, because the first challenge of the race was the "Braveheart Charge" where you run screaming down the mountain, through freezing rain created by snowblowers (that weren't really blowing snow, just large amounts of freezing wet stuff), up and around some smaller hillocks, and into the first obstacle. The "Boa Constrictor" which were 8 culvert tubes side by side, that you had to crawl through, at the halfway point your tube was separated by the 2nd set by a water pit with netting hung above it so you had to stay low, and then up into the second tube.

From there the race only became more insane and challenging... I have a list of all the obstacles, but as I look through it I realize that they aren't always listed in the order in which we went through them. And looking back, at points my memory is kind of hazy due to freezing my butt of, the insanity that I was putting my body and mind through, and at some point I'm sure I was battling mild hypothermia but I was just too darn stubborn to admit defeat. Plus I made an awesome running, TM buddy for life with Andres, and we kept each other going through the insanity that was TM SoCal Frozen Sunday.

I'll list the obstacles, and if I can remember what it consisted of I'll write a brief description.

1. Braveheart Charge - already explained that was the screaming start from the start line down the side of the mountain.

2.Boa Constrictor - culvert tubes that we had to crawl through, along with cold water and what was supposed to be mud, but was more gravel and sand.

3. Kiss of Mud (so out of order here) - there was barbed wire about 18" off the ground, and you had to crawl underneath it. It really should have been called "Kiss of Pea Gravel and Sand" because at our event there wasn't a lot of mud, just water and gravel... I think thats where I got the nice scrape on my hip bone, but I was so cold that I honestly don't know where it came from.

4. Gauntlet - This involved running down the side of the mountain, over hay bails, through treacherous footing (mud/water slick shale), snow blowers(wet frozen stuff, not really snow, yet not rain) and a few patches of snow.

5. Chernobyl Jacuzzi - One of the most AWFUL obstacles. They built 3 free standing wooden boxes... I think they were 15 feet long by 10 feet wide by at least 6 feet deep, but I'm not really sure on the dimensions... Filled with water, and roughly 200 lbs of ICE CUBES. Halfway across the box there was a board that was level with the water, the only way to get past this board was to completely submerge yourself under the freezing water and then try to swim to the other side, and hoist yourself out of the freezing water - this was one of the many times I was grateful for the basic tenant of the race in which it boils down to "No one left behind" because without their help I wouldn't have been able to get up and out of this "jacuzzi".

6. Devil's Beard - I honestly have no idea what this was... I blame the freezing cold and my mind shutting down just to make it through.

7. Log Bog Jog - pretty self explanatory, this was after the Chernobyl Jacuzzi. Down the side of a hill on the mountain, running over, around, and/or under logs placed down this path.

8. Evil Knievil - we had to run UP a half pipe. You know, the ramp that you'll see snowboarders use sometimes that launches them up into the air. Not the easiest thing ever, one of my most fantastic bruises on my arms was from this - again without the help of fellow TM'ers I wouldn't have made it. I got up the half pipe just fine, but grabbing ahold of that top lip and hoisting my behind up and over it I'm not sure I could have done without help.

9. Hold Your Wood - they had a pile of cut firewood that you had to choose from. There were little itty- bitty pieces up to logs that took teams of 6 to carry. Picking up a medium size piece, I hefted it up the side of the mountain and back down to the pile to deposit it so that they could reuse it for TM'ers following me.

10. Underwater Tunnels - they weren't actually tunnels. In a natural lake they place 3 sets of floating barrels, which you had to swim out to, and then dunk underneath. The water wasn't cold, it was getting soaking wet and then climbing out into the air.

11. Walk the Plank - You climbed up onto a platform, and jumped off into the lake. Nothing crazy but it was about a 15 foot drop, so if you did it wrong it HURT.

12. Ball Shrinker - Yeah, that name is pleasant I know... There were 2 ropes strung across the lake. One high, one low, and you had to try and traverse the length of them without falling into the water. Possible if you were on it by yourself, almost impossible once you got 15+ people all trying to balance on the same rope. I'm sure most events this is actually very cold to get dumped into, but honestly the water was warmer than the air.

13. Mystery Obstacle - This was pretty much impossible. I think out of both days, there was only 1 guy who managed to traverse it without falling in. Basically there were a line of boxes, strung together with one rope going through the center, floating in a pond... The goal was to get across them, balancing trying to keep from falling into the pond... Most people ate it before they got to the 3rd box.

14. Death March - Yepp, as pleasant as it sounds. Scaling the side of the mountain. I felt that I understood what a Mountain goat goes through, climbing up and up and up...

15. Primal Scream - At the summit of the Mountain 7,830 feet up. At this point I couldn't even really yell, but there were some awesome yodels coming from this point.

16. Funky Monkey - Grown up Monkey bars. They took housing trestles, outfitted them with metal crossbars, and suspended them over a shallow pit of water. At this point my hands were so frozen that I made it to the 3rd rung before my grip just gave out.

17. CLIF Hanger - Sponsored by CLIF Bar. Pretty sure this was worse than the Death March. Practically straight up the side of the Mountain (this came before the Primal Scream, but like I said my paper has them out of order).

18. Greased Lightning - A water event that I skipped... I was so cold at this point that I knew if I did it, I'd have to say done and get brought back down the mountain by one of the many emergency vehicles. Think of a GIANT slip and slide, into a huge collecting pond that you then had to climb out of using a rope.

19. Kentucky Derby - Giant logs that you had to jump over, or go under. The thing I was most unhappy about was having to give up my mylar sheet to do it, but Andres was nice and held mine for me so I could wrap back up into it as soon as I was done.

20. Berlin Walls - yepp, walls as in 4 of them... 12 foot walls, that had one little foot hold about 2.5 feet off the ground, and one little 3 inch notch at about 9 feet. Once again definitely a team event. There were a few guys, like Andres, who were spiderman enough to scale it on their own - me on the otherhand, I was so beyond thankful for the help that I got.

21. Mud Mile - self explanatory. Run a mile, through muddy/wet terrain.

22. Mystery Obstacle - No biggie - just crawl under an earlier pass over... I think it was their way of fixing an "intersection" on the course.

23. Electroshock Therapy - Yepp - this was the 2nd most AWFUL obstacle. I don't know how to describe the framework other than it was a lattice work of little yellow and black electrical wires hanging down over a shallow water pit... And running through these little yellow and black wires was 10,000 volts of electricity. Not all of them were live at the same time, and I think they had to be re-charged after each contact. So when I went through it I only got a couple of mild shocks on my calves - but I know for a fact that it dropped people into the mud and water below it... Grown men, and women crying and crawling like babies.

And finally

The FINISH LINE!!!!

I crossed that line, got my BRIGHT orange headband, a new mylar heating sheet, my t-shirt, banana, CLIF Builder Bar, Myoplex protein shake, FRS energy drink, and the BEST beer I've ever had, a Dos Equis.

I did it! I managed to survive the "Frozen Sunday SoCal" Tough Mudder, and I can't wait to run another one... I want to do the NorCal event so badly, but don't think it will happen due to the $$$ that it would take to not only participate but to get there and for housing for a night or two.

Next year though - I will do SoCal again! Now how many people can I convince to go be crazy with me?!

Its been a while

I keep meaning to come on here and update - the last time I tried I was talking about my "low carb challenge" that I basically gave up on.

I haven't really tried to pick that one back up either - I decided that at least until after the "Tough Mudder" I really shouldn't try and loose any more body fat/mass... And after finally competing in the Tough Mudder last Sunday I'm beyond glad that I had what little body fat I did...

In fact, somewhere in the middle I told my running partner, Andres, that if I ever run another "Tough Mudder" I want to gain 20 pounds of fat prior so that I don't freeze to death :)

The experience I had was something I can't really put into words... From what I hear, Saturday's event was like a beach party compared to Sunday. Not to put them down, the obstacles were the same and they whipped our behinds - but due to weather conditions there was an extreme difference between the completion %'s.

Saturday had a 87% completion rate.

Sunday was only 63%. And most of our drops were due to hypothermia.

I'm going to back this up a bit. Saturday was a bit of a cluster for me. I got up, played with the boys for a bit, then went into the spa to get my eyebrows waxed, and to do a massage... Then ran some last minute errands, and came home to get everything loaded up into my car. From here we left to go to Disney to spend time with Matthew's cousin Jennifer, and her husband Lucas. We took both cars, because Matthew and Steven were going to spend the night at Disney and do the Character breakfast... After a few hours at Disney (admittedly a bit longer than I'd planned for) I finally got on the road and headed from there up to Big Bear.

The drive was ridiculous. With construction I managed to get lost for a bit, though nothing awful, I just had to turn around and find my actual turn off that I missed due to bad signage. Once I got to the mountains it was a decent drive - that is until the fog that moved in 1/2 way up that I couldn't hardly see through! I drove 15 mph most of the way from that point on, because I could only see about 10 feet in front of my car :/

Finally I got to my campground (oh yes, I forgot to mention that... I went up the night before to camp so that I wouldn't have to get up at the crack of dawn to drive up) and it was blowing, and chilly. So I pulled my car in, ran it for 30 minutes with the heater on high and then burrowed into the blankets I had piled in the back on top of the sleeping pad I had. Not the best nights sleep ever - but I made do.

I finally woke up the next morning, for good, around 7:30. Ran the car a bit more to get some heat, and put some food in my face to get me going.

I'm going to say that at this point I had no idea if I was actually going to be running that day. I'd dropped the ball a couple of times, due to health reasons, and also because it was just "something I keep meaning to do". And had not officially registered for the Tough Mudder. So I wanted to get to the venue ASAP to see if I could do a day of registration, and also find out when I'd be running.

Got down there, and while signing my Death Waiver I seriously started to question my sanity. Not only were my fingers already starting to loose feeling, but a DEATH WAIVER?!?!?!

I went back to my car to start psyching myself out for my run - they had different start times, and I could pick anyone that I wanted to jump into... I chose the 10am, hoping that maybe it would have started to warm up by then.

It was only 29* when I arrived at Snow Valley Resort that morning... And I believe I heard that officially during the time that the race was occurring it didn't get over 35* at the base camp.

I listened to loud music, jumped up and down, coated my bare arms, neck and face with sunscreen, and did my best to calm my jumping stomach.

At 9:30 I couldn't take it anymore and thought that I'd go drop off my stuff at the bag check (so that you had a place to put your keys if you didn't have anyone to leave it with), and that maybe I'd jump into the 9:40 time slot. With everything going on I missed that slot, but got up to the starting line in time to hear all of the rundown for the 10 start time. I met a nice woman, Laurie, who after the race started I didn't see again.

The countdown started and we were off! (and I need to go get breakfast for my crazy early riser, so I will finish the recounting of this later)

Self Image

I know we all have a version of ourselves that we see... Whether its accurate or sadly blown out of proportion it exists.

I've been mulling over this since Saturday, when we went to the beach together as a family...

It was beautiful out, and of course I wore my new bikini. At first I planned on just taking off my tank top, and wearing the shorts I had on over my bottoms but at some point I changed my mind and took off the shorts. And I just about had a panic attack.

I'm still not ok with being that "naked" in public. Yes, I realize that I was wearing some cloth on my body, and I do mean some cloth, because lets face it bikini's leave NOTHING to the imagination.

As long as I focused on Steven and Matthew I was ok. I just blocked everyone else out of my mind... Taking pictures of the two of them playing, and joining in on the fun myself helped keep me from hyperventilating, but at some point I had to be polite and recognize others on the beach with us. And the voices of self doubt would start.

"Your too white." "Your thighs are fat." "Your stretch marks are ugly." "Your extra skin on your tummy is showing."

Basically everything that makes me want to find the nearest mu-mu and hunker down in the sand where no one can see me.

No matter how much I've changed my outward appearance I still hear those voices from my past.

And then I pushed myself so far outside of my comfort zone its not even funny. I needed to go to the bathroom and the only public restroom was all the way back up the beach in the parking lot... Instead of putting on my shorts and tank top, I walked up the beach in nothing but my bikini carrying my flip flops for once I got to the asphalt. I'm pretty sure I hyperventilated the entire way there...

I kept singing songs to myself in my head, kept my head down, and repeated "not everyone is looking at you" to myself... You'd think I was back in high-school and 15 years old thinking that you are the center of everyone's attention. (btw, I've never been comfortable with being the center of attention for more than short periods of time with close friends, much less complete strangers)

Even writing about this experience has taken me the better part of 2 days because I don't like the idea of sharing this with people. But I know that I'm not the only person who feels something like this.

I've got a serious body conscious issue. And I have for so long I've forgotten what its like to not be worried about the way I look. I'm a bulimic, and have been since 8th grade. I say that in the present tense because it never goes away, even if you haven't purged in years - there are triggers that occur that make you consider doing it again... And part of what goes with having this body conscious issue is the fact that I'm constantly worried about how I look in my clothing, or lack there of.

This Life-style Change that I've made, the whole loosing 50 pounds, has been a definite journey. I've done it the healthiest way I knew how. And I was very conscious the entire time that I wanted to do it as naturally as possible and that I had to be patient with myself. That it wasn't going to happen over night, and that to keep in off in the long run I needed to do this the right way. Those closest to me know that I purged for almost 2 years of my life, and I did have a few people ask if I was alright when they started noticing a big difference in my weight. I want to say that I never once during this change actually purge - but I hit a couple of walls during that year and a half in which I found myself desperately wanting to after splurging.

For me, the reason I'm putting this out there, is because I need to give it voice. I need to be able to tell others that I don't think I'm perfect. That I have had tough days, and days in which I thought that there was no way this was going to be possible.

I still have "fat days". Or moments in which I regret my clothing choices. I had a mini-melt down at the beach a couple of weeks ago with Matthew and Steven when I saw in the space of about 5 minutes 20 different women walk by with perfectly flat stomachs, tiny little bubble butts, and thighs that have never touched each other when walking... And then I reminded myself.

"I am not who I was." I have made a decision to live a healthy lifestyle so that I can be happy with myself, and happy in the life that we are creating.

So next time at the beach, as long as its warm enough and I have enough sunscreen to combat a nuclear fallout, I will rip off my bikini covering and run and play with Steven and Matthew in the surf. Until then, I will continue to work on my self image.

Awesome Saturday

Today was wonderful. Steven and I got up around 6 and snuggled and played together for a while - then I got us ready and we went to the gym while Matthew slept in...

My workout was a good one. I did the crossramp for 35 minutes total, a 30 minute workout with a 5 minute cool down - total distance of 3.7 miles. Then moved on to stretches, core work, a bit of arms and back, and for legs did calf press, leg press, and the glute machine.

Then I ran home to get showered and changed over to spend time with my boys before going to do a 1:30 massage... Our time together turned into playing in the front yard, and working on some gardening in between blowing bubbles and chasing Steven.

My massage was a bust though - my client never showed :(

But from there I went home, and once Steven was awake we packed us all up and headed down to the beach. We tried to go to Trestles but there was no street parking available and we just didn't really feel like paying $10 for parking... So instead we drove down to Calafia Beach and had a blast.

I always feel a bit sorry for those around us... I'm so WHITE that I know its got to hurt their eyes, but at the same time I refuse to wear a mu-mu... So I'm sorry to my fellow beach goers... You'll need to invest in a good pair of sunglasses while I'm around.

I love being down by the water. I especially love it when we go as a family and I can watch my two boys play together. I definitely get in on the action, but I enjoy stepping back and grabbing my camera to capture some memories.

Steven is such an outgoing kid. If there are children around he walks up and starts playing with them. I love that he isn't shy around kids. Today he made another "beach girlfriend" as I refer to them. He has a knack of finding the cute little girls, and being so darn sweet to them (watch out for him in a few years, I already know he's going to give me grey hair!).

I know this post doesn't really have a point, but I just felt the need to share. This was an awesome day. I hope you all were blessed with smiles and laughter today too.

Holy Cow

I did it.

Stephanie did the Body Fat % measurements on me today. Originally she did the measurements for a 7 point skin fold test (that sounds lovely right?!) but she could only find her graph for the 3 point skin fold test (again lovely). She calculated everything out, took into account my age, weight and height and my % is....

18.5%

I'm amazed! Of course at first I had no idea what that actually meant. But she explained to me that for women who are NOT athletic the average range is 22-30%, athletes usually have a range of 12-20%. So I'm in the high end of the athletic range....

I'm stoked! I honestly went in with no expectations... I knew my % wouldn't be high, but like I said I walked in not knowing what high or low actually was.

So this once again boosts my confidence that what I'm doing is making a difference in my body and my health. I don't want to get much lower, just because I do enjoy having some curves, but I do plan on continuing to maintain where I'm at. Now I just need to figure out what I'm doing with the idea of the low carb challenge...

Pushing myself

Pushing myself out of my comfort zone is always difficult. Today I upped all of my leg weights... I figured I've got to do something new and different as long as I'm not running.

Hopefully on Thursday one of the two Dr's where I work will have time in their schedule to look at my foot - I'm beyond done with this whole no running thing. I want to sign up for Tough Mudder, but right now I don't want to pay the $$$ if I'm not going to be able to race because I did something that really jacked up my foot.

On my way home from the gym my glutes started screaming at me. Hateful, profane things that I'll be kind enough to not post here online. Just suffice it to say that they didn't like the fact that I was sitting on them after torturing them for so long.

Tomorrow I'll really push myself out of my comfort zone. I made an appointment with Stephanie, one of the trainers at the gym, for her to do a Body Fat % measurement. How silly is it that I'm nervous to find out where I am right now? I know I've lost so much weight since I began this journey, yet at the same time I'm nervous that I haven't gotten as far as I'd like...

My 4 week Challenge has kind of been sucking the last week plus, I haven't been all that bad, but I've been bad enough that I know that I haven't made the most of my body and its potential. I'm considering extending it right now... Or to be honest, I'm considering re-starting it. This time doing research before beginning. That way I can have plenty of snack foods, and main course stuff that is carb-friendly... Instead of just denying myself the bread or pasta that I make for Steven and Matthew.

At this point I think I'll finish out my official 4 weeks, do another weigh in and taping of my body, and then use that as a starting point.

I know that I'm in good shape, but its hard now that my schedule has changed and there are 2 days during the week that I'm not making it in to the gym. Someone asked me why don't I just go at night on Mondays and Thursdays, and the honest answer is that I'm exhausted. 14 patients a day, each for a 30 minute massage, breaks down into 7 hours of massage... Most of that is spent on my feet, though with a couple I do have the ability to sit so that I can work on whatever it is that they are being seen for. I am waking up early those days and doing core work, planks, weighted squats, and adding in push-ups... But it still feels like I'm being lazy compared to my "usual" workout.

I think I might add in Sunday mornings... But that depends on Matthew getting up early enough to watch Steven for me.

Hurm.... Well I need to jump off of here for now. On to my "to do" list for the day. And putting some thought into my latest desire to push myself.

In Trouble Now

We are so in trouble... Steven is now to the point where if you promise him something or tell him something that you were maybe hoping he'd forget, he remembers it. And I don't mean just for 5 minutes or so, but for days.

Sunday I took Steven to the beach after giving a massage to a private client. I felt bad for Matthew, Steven had been a pill all morning while I ran to the Farmer's Market, and then again when I was with my client. So I left him at home to relax and play some CoDMW.

At the beach we had a great time playing in the surf, chasing the waves, and building things in the sand. But as with every fun day it had to come to an end. As we headed back to the car we passed a family who had stopped for milkshakes before coming to the beach to watch the sunset. Steven saw them and started asking for a milkshake.

"Momma, milkshake pees?!" started getting repeated over and over as I was trying to get him out of his wet clothes, dried off and into fresh clothes for the ride home.

So to finally be done hearing this get repeated over and over at my head I told him that if he was a good boy he could maybe get one on Tuesday after Mommy was done at the gym. That it was too late at night for him to have one now, but maybe Tuesday.

So guess what he's been asking for? A milkshake. Yesterday (Monday) he asked if we were going to the gym, and then asked for a milkshake. I had to explain to him that no we weren't going to the gym on Monday, that if he was good he could maybe have a milkshake on Tuesday after the gym. Last night he was telling me as we went to bed that after the gym he wanted a milkshake.

And this morning instead of my usual, "Momma get out of bed" that I hear at 0600, the first thing I heard this morning was "Milkshake momma, after gym."

I know that he's been learning and growing, but this just sort of cements that point. Everything we say and do makes an impression on him. And I can't make empty promises because he will remember if I promise to take him to the park, the beach, or that I promised him a treat if he does something for us.

Its amazing watching him make these connections. One day he didn't understand the concept of later, the next not only does he understand the concept, but he remembers when later is.

I've got to jump off here now, I'm getting yelled at to get ready for the gym. Someone is very impatient for momma to get her sweat on so he can get his grub on!

Hair pulling

I swear I'm going to be bald before Steven turns 4.

Already we're firmly in the defiant 3 year old stage, and its wearing on me. Both Matthew and I hit our limit with the attitude numerous times a day, and we have to keep reminding each other to take a deep breath.

I can't begin to tell you the number of times he tests, pushes, and blows right past boundaries each and everyday. He's gotten this look... where he knows what he's doing isn't allowed, and yet he does it as he looks at you and smiles.

I hate being "that mom" the one who yells. But its been happening lately, I try so hard not too - but sometimes my voice is raised before the thought even fully forms in my mind.

Its hard when you see him grab something off the counter that could hurt him, like a steak knife, and he starts to run through the house with it. If I ask for it back he giggles and runs even faster away. If I chase him he thinks its a game. But if I don't all these awful scenarios play through my head in a matter of seconds as to what might happen if I don't get the knife out of his hands.

This kid has no fear. He doesn't fear heights, or more accurately he doesn't fear falling. He doesn't have a fear of mommy and daddy not being there - he runs away from us when we're out and about, like at the outlet mall a couple of weeks ago... I think its because he knows that there is no way I'm going to let him out of my sight. No matter how hard I try to stand firm and act like I'm going to walk away, I can't...

We try to redirect, or side track. We try to be aware of the words that we're using, and the tone of voice that we deliver them in. I get so tired of saying "Steven, No!"

Cody and Heather asked me a question while they were visiting with us, where did I come up with the habit of saying "Steven I love you, no you can't.... (fill in the blank)" and I told them it was because I'd gotten tired of always feeling like all I said to him was negative. This way I can remind him that I do love him, and that the reason why I'm telling him no (for what ever it is) is because its something that isn't safe, polite, or appropriate.

Yesterday Matthew took Steven to the beach while I was at work, and he told me that when they came back on base he stuck his tongue out at the gate guard. I laughed so hard when he told me, but its one of those things thats kind of a no-no when you live in a military community.

I realize that this, like most of my posts is pretty rambling and random - I type as the thoughts come to mind...

I need to jump off here and go rescue some cars from under my couch before a certain little 3 year old looses his mind and wakes the neighborhood screaming for them.

Halfway through

I'm at the halfway point of my 4 week low-carb challenge... And honestly I don't want to weigh or tape myself today, because I was bad this past weekend...

Actually I was bad on Thursday when Cody and Heather were here, we went and got Selma's Chicago style deep dish pizza for dinner with them... Then Friday night after Matthew went to bed I gave in to my inner fat-girl and popped a bag of Movie Style butter popcorn and ate the WHOLE bag by myself (my body hated me the next day at the gym for that one).

Saturday I was actually good, mainly because I knew the next day we were going to be having cupcakes for Steven's birthday and there was going to be no way that I passed up a Albertson's store bought, cupcake badness with that oh-so-fake icing. I had one on Sunday at Jump'n Jammin, and then another half of one that night when we gave Steven his second with a lit candle...

Right at this moment there are 2 cupcakes left, sitting in my kitchen, taunting me every time I walk past them...

The last two days have been torture, all I want is carb badness... Like spaghetti with a huge hunk of garlic bread... Or a burger on a big crusty bun... Chocolate... mmmm, cookies - really who doesn't love a fresh baked soft cookie with chocolate chunks in it?!?

I've been trying to substitute natural sweetness to curb my cravings, fresh strawberries from the market, apples, and oranges... And while they taste amazing - none of them are curbing my urges. And then the urge for salty hits, and all I want is potato chips, or french fries... Chili cheese fries... Those sound heavenly right now...

I know this is something that I've done to myself, and honestly I could break it - but I also feel like I've made it halfway... I know I can finish it, but right now I want to give up! Its not just the low-carb bit, but I just want to be bad for a day... But being bad for a day, effects more than just one day. It undoes so much work that I've done...

Usually I don't feel guilty if I'm craving something like a burger, I'll go to Carl's Jr and get one... But for some reason right now the idea of giving in to my cravings, my urges, just seems to be completely unproductive.

I know I'm rambling at this point - mainly because I'm lost in thought of the things that I really want to be eating at the moment.

Maybe later tonight I'll get up the courage to tape myself, and get my measurements... If I do, and I'm feeling brave enough I'll post them here. Have a good one. Pura vida my friends.

Tomorrow

My little man turns 3. I can't believe it, where has the time gone?!?!!! This birthday really snuck up on me, between graduating, interviewing, and juggling everything else I looked up the beginning of this week and realized I'd done nothing to prep for it!

So I began the frantic planning of a birthday party - started stressing myself out, looking online for party stuff, trying to decide if we should rent another bounce house like we did last year, planning the party foods, trying to decide if I should order a cake, or try and bake something and decorate it without him seeing me...

And then I remembered - he's turning 3... This doesn't have to be the be all and end all of parties. We can't afford ponies, or a petting zoo... No big grab bags of party favors.

Tomorrow morning I'm making a baked apple pancake, and sausages. We're going to open up all his presents from us and our family. Then we're going to take him to Jump'n Jammin and a couple of his little friends are going to join us. We're going to have cupcakes, and pizza... Two things that he loves.

I still haven't decided on his birthday dinner - trying to figure out things that he really wants to eat right now is a bit of a pain. But I'm sure we'll get it under control before he's yelling at us to feed him.

Looking back at pictures of him I can't believe how much he's grown and changed in 3 years... My baby boy is 3. I swear we just had his 2nd birthday a couple of months ago... He's learning things so fast, some of which make me want to tear out my hair, but I'm blessed. Matthew and I have to help each other remember that sometimes when he's running around the house, screaming at the top of his lungs for whatever it is that he wants at the moment. He can push our buttons so quickly, and then have us laughing in seconds.

I wish we could bottle his giggles, I've never heard anything so magical before in my life. No matter what my mood is, if Steven starts laughing I can't help but laugh and giggle in return. The joy he gets out of playing with his toys, whether its his planes, cars, trains, Mickey, whatever - he tells stories to them, makes up scenarios, and generally has a ball. There are times where I'm in the kitchen cleaning up or cooking, and I hear him playing in the living room and I just have to stop whatever I'm doing and go watch him.

Seeing him smile and hearing him laugh. Thats when I know God exists.

Happy Birthday my little "turbo" man. I love you with all of my heart. You are our blessing, now and for forever.

Long week

But a good one in the end. I could take the time and write out my days, but honestly I think it would be pretty darn boring for anyone else to read.

The highlights were:

• 2 Massages at C'Siren - one sugar scrub and massage combo, and the other this afternoon was a Hot Stone. I get to go back in next week, get a bit more hands on training so she feels comfortable that I know what she expects at the spa, and then hopefully I'll be on the books within the next week!
• Cody and Heather's visit! It was awesome that we were able to make our schedules work and get together! Thank you two for hanging out with Steven and I yesterday afternoon, and then coming and hanging out on the beach for a bit, and then a late dinner at our place last night. I really enjoyed spending time with you and catching up.
• Training today in Irvine, I'm feeling really confident for this new job and can't wait to start on Monday. Super new path, one that will help me grow as a Massage Therapist.
• Beach time, both yesterday night with Heather and Cody, and then today as a family. That doesn't happen much (mainly because Matthew doesn't really appreciate sand any more). I felt so blessed this afternoon to watch my two boys play and frolic in the surf, as I did my best to snap a couple of pictures with my iGlitch and keep it from getting wet.

The rest of my week was pretty mundane... The usual gym time, though I've been kind of stretching my time there since I haven't had a definite schedule. Sort of cleaning and sorting as the week has gone on.

Soon I'm going to have to break down and attack our garage - I'll do before and after pictures so you can really understand just how bad it truly is. But when I say it looks like someone took a hand grenade and tossed it in... not too far off.

I hope you all had a wonderful week, full of laughter and smiles. Remember to enjoy the small moments, those can be the most important ones.

Just a quick thought.

I'm constantly reminded that people come in and out of our lives for many reasons, good/bad/indifferent, but that we're meant to learn lessons from each experience. Right now I'm thankful for so many of the new people who have entered my little world of existence...

The encouraging words that I get from them, helping each other learn and grow, its all a blessing right now.

We all have rough times, but surrounding ourselves with honest people who call a spade a spade and who don't hesitate to speak their minds is one of the healthiest things I think we can all do for ourselves.

I guess my point is that right now, I am thankful. Plain and simple.

I've become slightly obsessed with this song

This guy is an amazing artist, what he is able to do blows my mind. I love music, and I can't begin to comprehend the talent it takes to create a song from top to bottom. I thought I'd share this with all of you because its seems to be my morning, afternoon, evening song of choice if I just need to find a smile.

Dub Fx "Love Someone"

Hope you all have a good Monday!

Because you asked Part 2

So I posted a couple of days ago a rough outline of what I've done exercise wise to get where I am today, I thought that I would start putting my "diet" on paper so to speak.

I say "diet" because its become more of a lifestyle change for me. Originally I decided to give up soda last spring (I think January, but honestly I can't really remember) and I was only planning on trying to do it for 3 months... Don't ask why that was the magic number but it was. At 3 months I thought "what the heck, I've done it this long lets see how much longer I can go without soda". Between then and now I've broken my no-soda decision a couple of times... maybe a total of 6, mainly for Rootbeer because a good Rootbeer is just so worth it! And I've stolen the occasional sip from Matthew's Dr. Pepper, and it always reminds me why I gave up soda. Blech! Then again I was never really a fan of Dr. Pepper so thats not the best comparison.

Recently I gave up coffee... I'd been talking about it with a couple of other health conscience people that I know, and honestly I didn't think I'd be able to do it especially considering the fact that I have a child who insists on waking up before even the sun is up! But when I got sick the beginning of Feb it seemed like the perfect time to challenge myself. I'd already gone 5 days without coffee, and I figured that if I was going to go through detox then it already happened when I was sick so I should be good to go! April 4th will be two months coffee-free.

Now in the long run, giving up soda and coffee are just two tiny parts of the lifestyle change that I've made (though for me, the mental difficulties of giving them both up was one of the most challenging things I've done) A big part of my change has been actually paying attention to portion sizes. I bought a digital food scale, so that things that say (30 g) I actually know what size that is! It made me realize just how much I have been overeating for years (just as I know most people in the US do). I've tried to be aware of snacking too - thankfully I've always like snacking on things like carrots and cut apples - so I'm just making a conscience effort to reach for those first before chips, sweets, and other "badness" as we would say in my MT class.

To drop the weight I used the help of an app on my iPhone called "MyNetDiary" I think you can also create a profile online with them, but having it mobile with me was the easiest thing. You can input what your eating, it asks for the portion size that you ate, and it calculates the calories (along with all the other health info of that particular item) I input all my stats, height weight, and then told it how much I'd like to loose total and what my timeline was. It calculated everything for me and then told me what my recommended calorie intake should be, without any exercise calculated in. Also you can track your exercise on that app, and it will adjust your Analysis for the day and let you know if you should eat more.

I believe when I started using the app, it recommended 1800 calories for me, to reach my goal of weight loss. Each person is different, but if you start counting calories (like me) and make each one count then its not as horrible as it sounds. I would be full with 1800 calories for the day, as long as they were healthy filling calories... If I cheated and ate something like a donut, or a handful of candy then I was starving.

I started off horribly in the breakfast department, I've never been big on eating right after I wake up, so before I headed to the gym I was lucky if I consumed 1/2 a cup of coffee and a banana. Now, partly because Steven wakes me up so early and I have time to digest a bit and partly because if I don't I feel sick to my stomach, I have a bowl of granola (2/3 of a cup) with 1/2 cup 1% milk and also a banana (more for the potassium)

Today is Sunday, and as I'm sitting here typing this (because Steven is totally occupied with playing with his trucks) I'm having a bowl of 2/3 cup granola, 1/3 cup fresh blueberries, and one 6 oz container of vanilla yogurt all mixed together.

But back to when I started on my journey.

My diet became pretty mundane, I know my classmates could probably all tell you what I ate for lunch everyday. It started out as just Tuna salad (that I made on my own with 1 tsp of mayo, to keep the calorie value low but the protein value high) 7 triscuits, a cut apple and some baby carrots. Within the last 2 months or so I started revamping my diet because I'd gotten down to where I wanted/needed to be and I don't want to get sickly skinny.

Dinner was either a very strict serving of whatever I made for Matthew and Steven (because I felt bad for them and know that they got tired of eating chicken breasts and brown rice and salad) OR it was broiled chicken breasts, in a garlic herb marinade, a serving size of brown rice (2/3 cup) and a large fresh salad with 1-2 tsp of blue cheese dressing, just enough for flavor but not enough to drown the salad.

To be honest I wasn't great with keeping up on my diet on the weekends, I'd splurge and we'd make a big weekend breakfast complete with waffles, and either bacon or sausages (or sometimes both!) And on occasion we just decide that neither of us really feel like cooking and we give in to the take-out monster and especially then I don't count the calories because it makes me feel awful.

Right now in my diet I've re-input my info in the "MyNetDiary" app, and asked for it to calculate maintenance calories (to maintain my current weight, though I'm trying to build muscle so I'm adding a bit more protein in than it recommends and if I see weight gain it should be in muscle) I should eat, everyday without adding in exercise, 2500+ calories. The first few days of this calculation was difficult to wrap my mind around, especially since I was used to consuming 1800 or so a day...

I'm still in the process of slowly re-vamping my menu... And some days its more of a challenge to get the calories than others. A typical day is this:

Breakfast

2/3 cup granola

1/2 cup 1% milk

1 banana

2 shot bloks on the way to the gym

Snack on the way home from the gym

1 shot blok

VitaCoco (Coconut water, which is a great natural hydrator - and healthier than most sports drinks)

1/2 to a whole apple (depending on how big they are)

1/2 a Clif Protein Builder bar, or MoJo bar

Post gym meal

Spiru-tein shake, one scoop

8 oz of 1% milk

Late Lunch

4oz Tuna

1 tsp mayo

2 Tbsp Sweet pickle relish

7 Triscuit crackers

2/3 cup granola

4-6 oz Vanilla yogurt (Light & Fit)

1/3 cup blueberries &/or Strawberries

1 apple

3 oz carrots

Afternoon Snack

1/3 cup walnuts

1/4 cup craisins

Dinner

2/3 cup brown rice

1-2 cups salad

1-2 tsp blue cheese dressing, or balsamic dressing

3-4 oz chicken breast, broiled

I've been having to add in evening snacks to get close to my calorie goal, trying to do it as healthy as possible. Having another small salad, choosing hummus and peas, and apple with only the recommended serving size of peanut butter (which is so tiny compared to how much I used to eat with an apple), and things of the like. My biggest splurge is that I bought these little tiny mango & cream bars at Trader Joe's, they are a small serving roughly 80 calories I believe and just enough of a treat that I can enjoy it without feeling guilty.

Mix in with this I have the minimum recommended servings of water, plus usually 3 more... And occasionally at night I'll have a cup of fresh brewed white or green tea.

Like I said, that is a rough outline of what a normal day has looked like for me. Right now I'm in the process of completely re-vamping my daily intake of calories, and for the next 4 weeks I'm drastically changing my diet and trying to cut out all the "bad carbs" and leaving mainly just the healthy ones found in fruit and veggies. So while I type this I'm thinking of the bread that I walked past this morning, and my Sunday cookie ritual that I chose to forgo.

If anyone would like to post menu ideas, or other websites that they use I welcome it. Hope you all had a wonderful Sunday!

Low Carb Challenge

So I'm finally putting it out in the world that I've taken on a 4 week challenge from my friend/Personal Trainer Ernesto...

I've been hesitant to even talk about it, mainly because then I start thinking of carbs... Bread, and pasta... Cookies - tomorrow at the Farmer's Market I'm going to have to walk past my FAVORITE booth without buying anything :(

He told me to start this Tuesday the 22nd, and I did start that afternoon after we talked about it for a bit, but I count Wednesday the 23rd as my "Official" start date. So far its been torture. I made a pulled BBQ Beef Tuesday for dinner, of which I normally eat that on a nice crunchy roll - no roll for me... And we had leftovers for a couple of days, so while Matthew and Steven were enjoying their BBQ Beef sandwiches, I got BBQ Beef, with salad... :/

So I'm slowly trying to find new options for things, so that I don't get bored with my options... I plan on picking up a Spaghetti squash tomorrow at the market (if they have any good ones).

I know a No-Carb diet is next to impossible, and there are such things as "healthier carbs" like from fruits and veggies, so I'm shooting for that.

I did a slightly closer up picture of my abs, upper body when I took my "after" shots for my Background post. So here it is.

I also taped myself to get an accurate measurement of where I am, because as I've learned muscle weighs more than fat. So instead of freaking out if I gain a pound or two during this adventure, I can see if I've lost inches (or quarter-inches)

Wednesday March 23rd Measurements:

Thigh (the largest, upper portion) 22 1/2"

Hips 36"

Waist 27"

Under-bust (what bust I have) 30 1/2"

Arm (largest portion of bicep) 10 1/4"

Neck 13"

So April 13th will be my 4 week mark... If I can remember I'll re-tape myself sometime around the half-way mark.

Along with all of this I started keeping a food diary, and if nothing else its showing me how mundane my diet has become so if any one has any pointers on how to "jazz" it up I'd love them! I'm starting to look around on my own and think I'm finding new fun things to try but the challenge will be getting the boys to eat them too, so that I don't have to make 2 dinners every night!

Super frustrated

with my own body.

Here I am posting about this success that I've had with working out, and all of a sudden my left foot is pissed at me. I thought it was from where I stepped on one of Steven's toys the other night.

Thursday when I was running it started to bug me along the ball of my left foot for like the last 5 minutes or so of my run... Friday, I tried to run and it was sore enough that I decided to use the Elliptical (which I haven't used in over a month). Today I was pumped when I got to the gym. I was motivated and I was going to do my run/squat intervals!!! Then I got to the gym and because of the gloominess outside it was packed and at first there weren't any treadmills or ellipticals open so I got on the bike for a bit (1.5 miles until a treadmill opened up)

I jumped on that treadmill (one of the two that I favor) and started my 7 mph, 1/2 a mile run... Not even 0.2 miles into it and my foot hurt so bad that I seriously wanted to punch something. Slowed it down to a crazy easy walk, and still it hurt so much that I gave up.

I Gave Up!

Ugh, beyond frustrated right now. I stopped being that person, the one who gives up when things get a bit tough - but at the same time I know that if I did damage to my foot I don't want to make it any worse so that my recovery time is any longer than it has to be.

I got back on the bike and did another 3.5 miles, but I hate the bike... I loath the bike... So I just said F* it and got off. I did my stretches, talked with Victor, did my core work, talked with Bill, did my squats, talked with Lisa, did my leg weights and finished it up with a chat with Corie... To say I kind of lost my motivation today is kind of an understatement. I made myself finish out my workout because I was there but I was beyond not feeling it by the time I got done.

I know we all have our off days... Today was seriously an off day for me... I'm hoping that if I rest my foot for today, and Sunday that things will be better by Monday. There isn't any visible bruising, no swelling from what I can tell, I can walk on it for the most part (only occasionally do I feel a twinge). I'll use my arnica, do hot and cold hydrotherapy treatments, and try and keep it elevated when I can...

Fingers crossed that a trip to the Dr is not in my immediate future. Here goes nothing!

Early mornings

Are the only type of mornings I seem to have anymore. Steven is bound and determined that he will beat the sun up...

Yesterday he slept till 7:15, and thats the first time in at least 6 months that has happened. But he made up for it this morning and was in telling me "Mommy get out, get out of bed" at 5:30.

My brain is still kind of fuzzy, so I'm sorry if this rambles a bit. Its been a month and a half since I had coffee most mornings I do just fine without it, but today I'm wishing just a bit that I had I nice steaming mug of caffeine in front of me.

I've determined that one of the benefits of being woken up this early in the morning is that I get an incredible amount of stuff done before I ever leave the house. Laundry, dishes, picking up... and then I head out to the gym and whatever quick errands need to be done. But still I wish sometimes that I could stare at the back of my eyelids past 8 o'clock on a weekend morning.

I just need to remember to count my blessings; I have a happy and healthy little man who is so excited about life that he cant wait to start his day. Now if Mommy could find that much excitement every morning we would be golden.

Picky not quite 3 year old

So Steven seems to be going through a phase, and its one that is bound to drive me nuts. He used to be so good with eating anything we put in front of him, and recently that has hit the skids big time. He'll tell us he's hungry, we ask him what he wants, and he'll just go stand in front of the open fridge and peruse.

He wont pick anything out, or its random things like mayo... So then we start going down a list of foods... Apple, banana, peanut butter and jelly, mac'n'cheese, soup, crackers and cheese, etc. and we'll get "no, not that" for everything. So then I give up and make something, of which he might take 2 bites and then decides that he's done eating or that he doesn't like it.

My only saving grace is that when he does decide to eat it is usually fairly healthy... But like today, he's had 2 and 1/2 containers of yogurt (4 oz each) 2 pieces of string cheese, and half an apple with me. I scrambled him eggs (after he asked for them) and made a piece of toast with jelly and he took 2 bites of the eggs and told me he was full...

The amount of food that we've thrown away this past week bugs me to no end. But at the same time I don't want to make eating a chore, or a bad experience so I'm trying very hard to not fight him on this...

If any parents (moms and dads) have advice on this I'd welcome it... Thanks guys!

Because you asked Part 1.

I've already had a few friends on here, and on fb ask me to share my "plan"... My workout routine and diet that I chose to use to obtain the results I've seen so far. Let me first just say that everyone is different, I sort of took bits and pieces of this and that and threw it all together and somehow it worked for me.

When I first started working out summer '09 it was so different than where I am now. I did the elliptical everyday that I actually made it to the gym, roughly 30 minutes, and I busted butt to eek out 3 miles in that time. I sort of did core work, and lots of leg weights (for some reason legs always have come easy to me, maybe because the machines that you use are kind of idiot proof) I didn't really change my diet, other than mixing in more salads with dinner... I've always been a major fruit and veggie person so that wasn't hard, but giving up my fats and my sweets was just not in the plan for a long time.

Then I took a break and everything went out the window; when I went back to the gym with my neighbor Traci it took me a bit but I got back into the groove. Pretty soon I was doing 4 miles in 30 minutes - then I added in the hill setting and had to work at it again. I got pretty good at going 5 days a week, alternating my core days, with my leg weight days... Usually core was 2x's a week, while legs wound up being 3x's a week.

I wish I could tell you exact time tables, but I didn't keep a good record at all - I might have time here in a day or two to go back through my "dailymile" postings and see when things started bumping up again... I don't even remember when I started doing those postings in relation to my workouts.

I got to the point where I was easily running 6+ miles in 30 minutes everyday, 5 days a week, I think the farthest I did was just over 7 miles in 30 minutes - this was of course after an awesome Deep Tissue massage by Miss Opal Moore in class. I was still alternating core, and legs - sometimes switching up the order and changing which days for them so that some weeks I did 3 days of core and others 3 days of legs.

Then one day all the ellipticals were full - and it looked like everyone was in for the long haul. So I decided "what the heck" I'll run on the treadmill... :/ I barely eeked out 3 miles in 30 minutes, and I thought I was going to fall over and pass out! I figured it was the Universes way of telling me that I wasn't in nearly as good of shape as I liked to think. That week I ran on the treadmill 3 days in a row, and by the 3rd day I could barely walk. I realized at that point that I really needed to change up my plan. So I decided running on the treadmill Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be good and I'd do the elliptical on Tuesday, and Thursday.

Recently I started working with a guy at the gym, he's a personal trainer and we've been swapping personal training tips for massages - pretty much a win win in my book. I needed help with my upper body, its always been my weak point. On top of that I'm now running 6 days a week at the gym Monday-Saturday you can find me there. The run down of my current workout routine is this:

Monday:

• 30 minute run on the treadmill, flat, no hills. Starting at a 7 mph pace, bumping up to 7.2 at a mile and 7.5 mph at 2 miles and finishing it out from there.
• Stretches
• Core work, which is crunches with a 4 kg medicine ball, hip raises, side V crunches, Roman-sit chair, and leg drops.
• Weighted squats with the 4 kg medicine ball
• Some arms, concentrating on Biceps, Triceps, Traps, and Lats usually

Tuesday:

• 30 minute run on the treadmill, hill setting. Usually at a 6.5 mph pace (I'm hoping to bump it up to 7 here soon)
• Stretches
• Leg weights, which includes calf press, quad raise, hip adductors and abductors, hamstring curl, glute lift, and squat press.
• Weighted squats
• And core work if I have time/energy.

Wednesday:

• 30 minute run on the treadmill, flat, no hills. Starting at a 7 mph pace, bumping up to 7.2 at a mile and 7.5 mph at 2 miles and finishing it out from there.
• Stretches
• Core work, which is crunches with a 4 kg medicine ball, hip raises, side V crunches, Roman-sit chair, and leg drops.
• Weighted squats with the 4 kg medicine ball
• Some arms, concentrating on Biceps, Triceps, Traps, and Lats usually

Thursday:

• 30 minute run on the treadmill, hill setting. Usually at a 6.5 mph pace (I'm hoping to bump it up to 7 here soon)
• Stretches
• Leg weights, which includes calf press, quad raise, hip adductors and abductors, hamstring curl, glute lift, and squat press.
• Weighted squats
• And core work if I have time/energy.

Friday:

• 30 minute run on the treadmill, flat, no hills. Starting at a 7 mph pace, bumping up to 7.2 at a mile and 7.5 mph at 2 miles and finishing it out from there.
• Stretches
• Core work, which is crunches with a 4 kg medicine ball, hip raises, side V crunches, Roman-sit chair, and leg drops.
• Weighted squats with the 4 kg medicine ball
• Some arms, concentrating on Biceps, Triceps, Traps, and Lats usually

Saturday:

• A run/squat interval which takes a bit over 20 minutes. Its new, and kicked my butt last Saturday. Basically it breaks down like this. Run 1/2 mile at a 7 mph pace, jump off the treadmill and do 40 squats. Repeat for a total of 5 times for each. Equals 2.5 mile run, and 200 squats.
• Stretch, a lot.
• Core work.
• Legs
• Some arms.

So thats a basic week for me at this point. Occasionally I'll do Two-a-day's with Ernesto. Usually that winds up being on Tues and/or Thurs nights... And tends to focus on upper body, all arms and back. He even has me doing pull-ups to prep for this ridiculous race I've decided to sign up for.

I'll make another post, probably tomorrow that breaks down my current eating habits. Which have been drastically revamped a couple of times at this point throughout this whole process. Night all.

Almost bedtime

I have this awful habit of staying up late. Even after Steven's in bed around 8, and Matthew even hit the sack early tonight around 10... Here it is 11 o'clock and I'm still kicking.

So many things are running through my head right now, I have another massage scheduled at C'Siren Spa tomorrow - I'm pretty sure that I have at least a part time job with them but now its the waiting game for my CA license. I'm hoping to hear back from the medical rehab clinic in Irvine, I loved what they were offering and as a part-time position 2 days a week it would be nice.

Following closely on the heels of those thoughts is the impending question on whether or not Matthew is getting sent to a deployable unit in June... We haven't gotten any information since Feb, no one seems to be communicating, and I keep trying to remember to breathe deep. I've decided I'm not going to freak out about it until we get more information, but at the same time I have to confess that its hard not to think about the "what ifs". We both knew he wasn't done with deployments, but thought that a B-billet meant a bit of security on the non-deployable front. I guess the USMC might be proving us wrong on that sometime here soon. Ack - making myself frustrated again.

Random conversation change: Any other mommies ever feel crazed? I love Steven so much, but at times this almost Three-year old behavior is going to drive me batty! He's got so much energy, so much spunk... He problem solves amazingly well (much to my chagrin sometimes).

Like last week... We only have 2 chintzy locks in the house, the push-button ones with the little slot that is on the opposite side - and Steven has long understood the concept of keys. Well Mr. Too Smart for his own good, figured out how to use the tip of one of his airplane wings as a "key" and can now unlock both the bedroom door and the bathroom door whenever he likes... So now I can't even take a shower without a little head peaking around the corner of the curtain asking me, "Mommy whats that?"

Speaking of, I'm hearing rustling in his bedroom - so I'm going to say goodnight here and make sure that everything is alright in dreamland for my little man. Night.

Background

I should probably put some of my background out there - and along with it the reasons why I've decided to take up blogging again. I'm currently 25 years old, have an almost 3 year old, and have been married for almost 5 years.

Currently I'm in the best shape that I have EVER been in my life, thats not me bragging but just stating a fact. I started this journey of trying to find myself, and find happiness within myself in '09. It was an off and on again process for a long time. I signed up at the local gym and was pretty good for a couple of months, and then I lost my drive... A couple of months went by and my neighbor and I decided to be each other's gym buddies right before the New Year. At the same time I'd decided to go back to school to become a Massage Therapist.

When I started this journey in July of '09 I was the heaviest I'd ever been, other than being pregnant. 188 pounds, a size 14, on my not quite 5'10" frame. Yes I wasn't morbidly obese but on someone who as a teen had battled with eating disorders it was awful... I couldn't look at myself naked in the mirror. My sex drive had nose-dived because I didn't want my husband to see me naked... Basically I hated myself, everything in my wardrobe and everything I'd allowed myself to become.

These are a couple of before pictures, they were taken in January 2009, but I was the same size in July when I decided to make a change in my life.

Today I weigh 136 pounds. Admittedly its less than what I was originally shooting for in my weight loss and I'm currently re-working my diet so that I can be sure that I'm gett

ing enough calories everyday to maintain my weight, and that enough of that is comprised of protein so that I can continue to build muscle.

I took these today after I came home from the gym. 3/23/2011

None of this happened quickly - I had someone tell me at the gym the other day that I was lucky to not know what it was like to be overweight - and I thanked them for the compliment but then went on to explain that just over a year ago I had been 50+ p

ounds heavier than I am now.

This isn't meant to be a place for me to come brag, but a place for me to be able to share my story and my thoughts... I know I post on FB my daily workouts, and new pictures of me but I also realize that there are a lot of people who don't want to read about what I've accomplished and I understand that so thats why I'm coming here - to hopefully have a safe place to talk about the things that I'd like to share.

I'm rambling at this point, so I think I'll end this post here and come back when my mind is a little bit more focused.

Starting out

So this is my first post with my new blog, and its been quite a while since I've done something like this. I decided that with all the thoughts bouncing around in my head I need an outlet. A place where I can talk about my goals, and accomplishments. The rough days and nights that go along with not only being the wife of a Marine, but also a mom to a toddler. And not only that but the journey that I've had the last year + in finding myself again, physically and mentally. So for my first post it will be short - but I'm sure I'll be back soon to post more.