Late night

So I've been pondering over this for the last couple of days, with everything that I've been dealing with the last two weeks I just haven't been pushing myself at the gym or being super strict on my diet...

I'm not doing the June 9th competition, I might do the June 30th or pick another one later in July...

I DO want to compete again - but don't feel like I can get to where I expect myself to be in time for the 9th, and I'd rather be happy with the way that I look then give in and do a competition when I'm not 100% happy with my body.

It comes down to a balancing act. Family happiness vs Personal happiness.

Matthew and I have hit a rough patch lately. Stress with everything is getting to us. Nothing outside of normal married life stuff: work, money (the always seemingly lack of it), kiddo, etc. But you add into that the fact that we just found out that he will be getting sent to Japan for at least a year sometime in October, and the last 5 days have been interesting.

Hell, who am I kidding. We've both been stressed for weeks before this. There comes a point in every marriage where you feel like you have to take stock of the situation, revaluate.

We're doing better, trying to figure out ways to help each other with the "problems" that we see/have.

And then the Marine Corps tosses this new Green Weeny in our laps. I knew the last year of this contract was going to mean going back to the fleet, and had prepared myself for getting uprooted and moved to North Carolina - I hadn't even considered getting shafted with a 1-year unaccompanied tour to Japan (or anywhere else for that matter) AND to top it off, if Matthew either extends for one year (if he doesn't pick up SSgt before this contract is up) or reenlists for another 4, there is a good chance that they will extend his stay in Japan to total 2 years (which is the usual time for an unaccompanied tour).

I'm freaking out.

The last time I got to wear the "single parent" hat, Steven was just born... I mean... Yes, newborns are CRAZY dependent on you BUT they aren't aware of who is there all the time and who isn't. There are days now when Steven freaks out because Daddy is at work all day, and he doesn't like the fact that he can't come home because Steven wants to play.

We're looking into having me move off base, not because I don't enjoy the friends that I've made with some of my neighbors but because we realize that a lot of them will be moving within the next year or so - and as a Massage Therapist I've already dealt with enough rumors as to what I do when I have "clients" over to my house :-/ Steven and I will be staying in Southern California, we both love it here, and I'm hoping that if we move off base (I'm still not 100% on that) that we are close to the beach.

There are literally so many thoughts bouncing around in my head right now that I can't gather them enough to make sense, that combined with the late hour and I'm sure this entire post is rambling...

I'm stressed.

Enough that I'm letting it get to me. My stomach is in knots, I'm not sleeping well, and I feel like daily life is bogging me down at times.

The gym is my peaceful time, usually, and it doesn't help that I've missed two days this week because I was covering shifts back at my old job in Irvine.

Alyx and I are getting together this weekend to reevaluate what I want to do for me.

I want to do another show - I just need to pick a more reasonable time frame (which she pushed me to do, but I was bullheaded and didn't want to listen)

We have sponsorship for running the SoCal Tough Mudder in July :) I'm totally stoked for it! So now its time to sit down with a big calendar and start seeing what all is going to be going on in our lives for the next 4-6 months.

I need to at some point have an honesty session on here, talk about issues that Matthew and I are dealing with, my love/hate with food and how it love/hates my body, the stress I feel at times being a mom and the fact that I don't feel like I succeed a lot of the time, the joy I have in being a mom and how I'm never quite sure how I was blessed with such an amazing child, the fact that I wish I was OCD so that my house didn't look like the stye it looks like right now, and also the fact that I need to go through all of my shit and get rid of the excess crap that I really truly utterly do not need in my life (like the boxes that haven't been unpacked since they got sent down here)

But I'll save that for another time, when I'm not so tired, and not looking with dread at a wake-up time thats creeping ever so closer.