Grabbing the horns

I've been thinking a lot about life, and then reading a post by my best just kind of put it into perspective for me.

What do I want in life? Am I proud of who I am today? Is who I am someone I'll look back at and say "Yeah, that was me, and I like her"? Is the path that I'm on one that I'm enjoying? Am I blessed? Am I a blessing for others? Is my journey my own?

and looking at those questions there are a lot of mixed answers.

I have done things that I am absolutely NOT proud of, and I have done things that I would sing from the roof of buildings about. Where I am today is not where I saw myself 5-7 years ago. Would I change it? Yes/No. Do I feel blessed? Somedays yes, other days I feel buried under life. But I know we all have those days.

Today was a sporadic day for me. GREAT gym time, and good once Steven and I got home. I was trying to get stuff together to get us to the beach, some other things came up and I wasn't able to hold up my promise to him - and I felt awful as a Mommy because I promised him that we'd go to the beach...

BUT

Tomorrow is a new day. As of right now I have one massage scheduled from 1-2... IF nothing else gets scheduled then I plan on taking him afterwards and staying until we both can't stand it. I'm blessed that I get to live in a state that is so damn beautiful. YES there are tons of people, but surprisingly enough San Clemente does maintain that small town feel (once you've been here long enough and gotten into the community).

Today I made it to the gym, ran almost 6 miles (it was National Running Day after all), got to play with my son, and go to work for a couple of hours. Not bad in the long run.

I'm not proud of the state of my house - I used to be a much better house keeper (but then again I was a stay at home wife and then a stay at home mom). Now I work, and try and balance that with Wife/Mommy/Cook/Cleaner/Organizer/etc and on beautiful days like today (and hopefully tomorrow) I'd rather spend the day outside with my son listening to him giggle and laugh and watch him run himself ragged rather than spend the day indoors scrubbing my floors and dusting every last inch.

Maybe I'll get around to the huge purge on my house that I keep mentioning that I need to do... one of these days :)

Do you realize that its been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long since I've done something purely for me? Just because it made ME happy.

Yes I get to do my Farmer's Market, but that has health benefits for all of us in the family. And yes I get to do an occasional Yoga class, but again thats for the health benefits...

I really want to do something adventurous.

I want to get out there and do something that is crazy.

I have no idea what that is.

But I'll let you know when I do :)

There are times I look around and wonder where Zori went. Then I remember that I put on my big girl panties and grew up. I became a wife, and then I became a Mom. And you can't have days where you check out on your family (well not without consequences) just because you want to.

Right now I should be working on mailers (for my second job), and instead I'm on here - writing out my thoughts for the world to see... and I'm doing it for my sanity.

I know there are people out there who probably think that I share wayyyy too much information about my life, and how things are going. I guess I do it because I really want people to realize that we all flounder, that we all have good and bad days. And because at times its hard for me to open up to those around me. I used to be good at that. Asking for help, leaning on shoulders... And then I went through 2 deployments, gave birth while my husband was gone, and have dealt with trust issues.

***Super honest moment warning***

My husband and I are not perfect. We fight. We yell and scream and try to do it whenever Steven isn't around so that he isn't aware that Mommy and Daddy are mad at each other.

We've both done super dum-dum things. Things that are hard to come back from and work on a marriage together. The trust issues are there on both sides. And now we're looking at doing at least another year apart.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME MARINE CORPS?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

****Done***

Sorry about that tangent... Its just one of those things that comes around sometimes with me :) Part of the whole am I blessed, am I a blessing thought.

I am blessed.

I live in a beautiful state. I have a beautiful/trying/pain in the ass/precious/joyous/energy filled son who I would do anything for. I'm married to a man who puts up with more than he should, who does his best (most days), and who beats himself up when life is beating us down.

I hope that I'm a blessing for someone. I consider myself a blessing for Steven, but it will be a few years before he's able to confirm that question and know what mommy means when she's asking it ;)

I need to be better at finding the positive in things. I realize that a lot of my posts seem downer-ish, and I think its because a lot of the time I come on here and write when things are getting to me. Because like I said before, I've had a hard time opening up lately. I've become a master at building walls, Thank you Marine Corps.

Actually

Thank you gossiping/fat/bitchy/hateful/fat/nosy/fat/disparaging wives of the Marine Corps.

And that is very specific to one particular group, one particular dum-dum situation that I found myself buried underneath, and that I still don't know the full details on.

But its one that has shaped me and who I am.

So I refuse to let that crap get the better of me. No I've never been someone who was sunshine and roses and puppy dogs and glitter and lolipops - BUT I used to be less clouds and mopy and buried underneath the weight of the world.

So I'm going to work on dusting things off - like my respect for people, and my trust in people. I don't want to make people work as hard for things as I've made them. I want to find more joy in the simple things in life.

I want to start making concrete goals, plans and getting them accomplished. No more getting buried.

I'm going to compete again this year, maybe July 21st wont happen (thinking of logistics of running a TM the beginning of the month and whether or not I'll be bruised and scraped to shit at the end of it and how long it will take to heal). But I WILL compete again before the end of 2012.

I will be running the TM in July. That is without a doubt.

I am going to get to see my Packer's play in August against the Chargers, it may only be pre-season, but seeing as I've NEVER seen them live before I DON'T CARE! And I'm going to meet Clay Matthews. Oh, it will happen! :)

I'm going on a 5 day Cyclist adventure as a Massage Therapist in October. Its part of a group that I've gotten involved with "Cyclist Massage" and they are an awesome group of people. Expenses paid and I get to make bank in 5 days!

Matthew will be leaving in October :(

I really don't even want to start thinking of that and how its going to change things, so for tonight I'm not going to dwell on it.

Steven starts Pre-school this fall, I can't believe I have a child old enough to be in pre-school...

So for now, I'm going to leave it at this.

I'm grabbing life by the horns. I'm going to start shaping my life to be what I want, no more going with the flow, no more sitting back and letting things happen to me. I'm going to start happening to things. Each day I'm going to accomplish something that I want to get done. And I'm going to stop beating myself up over the little things that weren't finished that day. Blessings all, its time for a bit of work before bedtime :)