Today was a rough day, I touched on that in the last post that I made. I don't know if it was because of the lack of sleep, but on top of everything else I had a serious "fat day".
STOP!!!
Before anyone goes ballistic on me for saying I'm fat, thats not what I mean. I was having one of those, just unhappy with life/the world/myself days and it translated into picking on myself in my head. Couldn't find the workout tank I wanted to wear this morning, so got stuck with wearing a regular cotton one which I dislike wearing to workout.
Matthew and I have had this discussion before, and the best way that I've found to explain it to him is that its like looking in a fun house mirror - once you've had an eating disorder. Logically I know I'm the skinniest I've ever been, I even see it sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror in passing - but when I look down at my body I see HUGE thighs. Ridiculous I know. But its what my mind processes that it sees.
I ask people around me, Matthew, Alyx, Meggan, Tiffany, Patricia - really anyone who might understand or who will be honest - if things that I'm wearing make me look fat. And its not me fishing for compliments, its me honestly wondering. I'd rather be told that I look fat wearing something, than be allowed out of the house around people with fat rolls, spare tires, and muffin top hanging out.
What really doesn't help is that I'm an emotional eater, so I've wanted to dive into the jar of peanut butter and break into the little bit of Easter candy that I bought for Steven. I'm also a bored eater, if there isn't anything better to do I'll find something to put in my mouth. Thats what she said!!!!! ;)
Basically if it comes down to food, I'm cool with it and want to put it in my mouth. So doing this very restricted diet for the last 6+ weeks has been more than difficult. I'm going to be honest, because if I can't be honest with myself, and the few people who have taken interest in my hum-drum life, then I suck and should crawl into a hole.
I've cheated.
Not a lot, and not anything huge, but its happened a few times. Extra peanut butter here, and a snuck sliced bit of strawberry that I was cutting up for Steven. Not like I was going out and eating Carl's Jr, or the whole batch of cupcakes (like I seriously wanted to). And usually in real life the things that I "cheated" on wouldn't even register in my daily calorie intake, but doing this, and being hyper conscious of the fact that I'm choosing to subject myself to this contest, makes me put every little thing I do under a microscope.
All I can think about is the fact that I'm going to be walking across stage, in a TINY bikini, wearing 7" stripper heels, with a CRAZY fake tan, hair dyed and did, fake nails, LOTS of make-up, and under a SPOT LIGHT!
I refuse to be the "fat girl" on stage, not that it counts as real life, but still... I REFUSE.
Like I said, this is going to be a rambling post.
I'm starting to feel the other effects of doing this, I get tired easier. And my sex-drive has nose dived. It comes down to what is more important, food/sleep/sex. And sex is definitely suffering - that and house cleaning ;)
I had some other interesting topics lined up in my head to write about, but the lack of carbs is killing my memory... Maybe if I can get some of my thoughts lined up, and Steven decides to stay up for the next X # of hours I'll get some more written out in my long rambling ways, if not, have a great night.
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