So I'm taking a break from my Competition update (not that you hadn't noticed that it had been a couple of days since part 1) but I really feel like I need to write about this.
The only reason why I think I can look at this logically is because thankfully I was warned by a friend of mine who had done these competitions before, but I've been dealing with a serious funk the last couple of days. Not constant, but just "eh".
That is until last night.
Last night just plain sucked. Really there is no other way to describe it.
I had a pretty busy Sunday, got up and did a quick trip to the Farmer's Market on the way up to Jump'n'Jammin for a Jake's (a friend of Steven's) 4th birthday party. Afterwards we stopped at the commissary and did the grocery shopping, then home to get busy. 3 loads of laundry total, empty, reload and wash dishes, clean the fridge and get groceries put away. Then we went and hung out with the neighbors for a bit so Steven could play with the kiddos. And then it was inside to cook dinner and dessert to take to Matthew who was on duty.
1 batch of homemade oatmeal cookies
homemade burger patties (4 total for 2 doubles)
homemade sweet potato fries
sauteed onions and mushrooms to go on the burgers
We took everything out to range 314 once it was ready. Spent 10 minutes with Matthew, and then headed out since he was doing training with the students. Then we swung out to Alyx's for a bit to chat and hang out... I feel like what I just typed is ridiculous, and I'm not looking for a gold star, but now I remember why I was addicted to coffee as a stay at home mom.
After we finally got home for the night (we being Steven and I) I got him in bed and then hung out by myself. The cranky mood that had started in just the last few hours took a hold. I've been feeling fat because Friday night after Matthew went to bed I was having some serious cravings for salty/greasy badness but we didn't have anything in the house that would satisfy it exactly... So instead I had like 4-5 salt-free rice cakes with a TON of peanut butter, and like a 1/3 of my 1lb chocolate Easter bunny.
I did get up Saturday and go to the gym, but after work went and gave into my cravings and picked up "Pizza Port" and ate myself silly with carbs, grease, and cheese. I only really had 2 pieces of pizza, but probably ate an entire order of their Beer Buddies (phenom garlic bread) with ranch sauce all on my own. Everything tasted AMAZING!!! Sunday morning though my body let me know just how much it was mad at me :)
Then add on the fact that I didn't work out Sunday, and dipped into the batter while making cookies, and ate too many cookies when hanging with the neighbors and I was feeling pretty hate filled towards myself come Sunday night.
Jen warned me that this was going to happen. That all of a sudden I'd look in the mirror and I wouldn't be at my totally shredded competition physique and I'd loose it. That I'd start hating myself, thinking that I was fat, and go into a mild depression. Add to this that I still battle with my body conscience issues everyday of my life and thats a fun combination to be dealing with.
I finished the last 1/3 of the chocolate bunny last night.
And ate another couple of rice cakes with peanut butter.
After I ate sweet potato fries, thai peanut sauce on celery, and this amazing homemade granola that I buy at the Farmers market while I was over at Alyx's...
Oh, and don't forget the handful of Goldfish because I wanted salty carbs...
And I couldn't sleep. Because I was so MAD at myself. I'm getting "soft" through the mid-section, and I know most of it is due to the fact that I'm actually hydrated again, and that even after a week of not eating the cleanest (ie fruits are back, and I've actually consumed carbs in the form of bread and granola) I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not fat.
But last night = suck
I've been looking at doing another competition. Sometime relatively soon. And last night my inner demons were definitely getting the better of me. I wanted to just say "Fuck it" and give up. Why not get fat again. I could eat whatever I want and screw the consequences. It might be easier on my marriage if I give up this silly idea of competing. That way I'm not grumpy and short tempered (or no more than normal), and so that Matthew and Steven aren't getting burnt out on chicken and stir-fries. My house might not suffer so much from lack of good cleaning (I'm still trying to get caught up on stuff) and I might not feel like a chicken running around with her head cut off half the time during prep.
I couldn't sleep. I think my brain finally gave up enough around 3am to let me black out for a few hours before getting up to take Steven down to Balboa to get his cast removed, YAY!
Got home, ate some protein, got Steven some breakfast and then went into the gym.
And sweated my self-doubt away.
It really truly is amazing what endorphins do for you. I'm getting back on track today. Trying to phase out my "cheats" so that I don't hate myself. Not saying that I'm getting rid of everything yet, though I am looking at doing a competition the first part of June. There is another one May 26th at the same location as the last, but both Alyx and I think it would be better to give myself a few extra days to just get back into the swing of things.
Eating clean to me means: lean meats, veggies, and fruits. Very few carbs that aren't found in the fruits/veggies. Upping my water again (I've been surprisingly bad about it the last few days), and trying to cut dairy for the most part (my body seems to be sensitive to it training wise) A bit of peanut butter here and there isn't going to hurt me, nor will my yummy granola "Half Nuts".
Now that I've rambled this post away I guess I'll get back to my original thought process.
I've been having a rough few days. And it comes and goes. Some of it is directed and has a purpose (or actual cause) and some of it just comes out of nowhere and makes me want to cry. Hormone levels are whonky, sleep schedule is funky, and eating habits are roller-coaster like.
So to everyone who has asked, and those who haven't, Yes this is a tough thing to do. The actual 8 weeks leading up weren't that hard on me (other than keeping up with my workouts). The week following the competition is kicking my ass. But I have great friends who understand and support me. A son who tells me he loves me everyday, and that I'm beautiful/pretty. And a husband who is around when the Marine Corps releases him from his duty.
Thanks for humoring my brain dump again, I'll get back to updating on the competition here very soon but needed to write this piece first.
zori im concerned about your eating, your self hatred and the fact that your "trainer" cant seem to see that she is triggering someone with a very apparent eating disorder. we all care about you, I know this comment isnt going to make you happy, but maybe you need to go see a counselor and start your recovery process for your eating disorder before you start another competition. Because training or not, competition or not, this just seems like an excuse to over-exercise and restrict and hurt yourself.
ReplyDeleteSo I've taken some time to think on my response to this. I realize that your speaking out because of concern towards me and that I appreciate.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you really understand the point of my post, and maybe what I meant to convey isn't clear. Its meant to be a brain dump about me getting back into the swing of normal life. Yes I did post on my "diet" and its because for 8 weeks I was on a very strict meal plan/workout plan. Its going to be hard for me to get out of that habit.
I don't have self hatred, I have self doubts, and inner demons. We all do. This I've been honest about. I am bulimic. Have been since 7/8th grade. But I have NOT purged since July '09.
I went about prepping for this competition in the most healthy best way I saw fit. I ate consistently, healthy lean proteins and lots of veggies. I really wasn't ever hungry as long as I stuck to my guidelines, until the last week and that was getting ready to go on stage in a bikini.
You can see it as you choose. Like I said, I'm trying my best to keep in mind that you are expressing your concern about my physical/mental health. I'd appreciate it more if I knew who you are. Please feel free to PM me on FB.
Zori,
ReplyDeleteI think what you're doing is fantastic. I have been through the whole spectrum of eating distorders (anorexia/binging/laxative & exercise bulimia - we ALL have our mental hangups!) and I understand what it feels like to look in the mirror and see everything BAD instead of seeing all the good. I cannot imagine how shitty your body has felt this week with adding in the grease/sugar/carbs so quickly. I eat well for weeks and then over-indulge for ONE day and feel like I have failed completely, which starts this horrific spiral downwards because, well SHIT, if I lose control that fast, I might as well just be fat. I am really excited you have found a way to look and feel great that is healthy!
The amount of self control and will power required to get ready for a competition is insane, and I think that is what people have trouble understanding. Sure, tons of cardio on 1,200 calories a day will not keep you going FOREVER, but you have shown that for a bit of time, it can sculpt a body into something amazing!
I strongly disagree with the recommendation to see a therapist. You have been up-front the whole time with your meal plans, exercise, etc AND you have enlisted someone who is incredibly knowledgable to help you along the way! Your body knows when you have gone to far - just make sure to listen and I think you will continue to be a rockstar. : )
Sorry - this is SUCH a rant. I am just really proud of you and I think you deserve a pat on the back (and maybe a little more grease before your next competition) because you are an inspiration to quite a few of us.
-Haley
*that awkward moment when someone doesn't know what the fuck they are talking about*...
ReplyDeletecrickets.
Well. At least we know the safety of blogging and being able to free speak without being judged is preserved...
Well shit.
Umm.
At least you look hot!
I love you.
Ad your trainer, I'm proud thoroughly impressed, and here for you as a best friend.
Luckily, I know you are okay, and happy, and healthy. And that's a lot more than I can say for a lot of people I know.
Again, so proud of you. Sorry you had to have someone butt in and be judgmental of what is clearly just your method of venting...
Zori,
ReplyDeleteI remember seeing you the first week you started your training for the competition. I was awe inspired and excited that besides being brave brave brave you were going to conquer one of my metaphorical worlds. Since then you have been a constant source of inspiration to me. I have watched your workouts and meals which you posted clearly for all to see. There are about 4,000 things that point to you doing everything you did in the healthy way. All anyone has to do is look at you, those abs you have don't happen without protein, not to mention your amazing arms and butt. You ate healthily and I think you are wonderful. Having watched, heard from you, and seen your progress, I know without a doubt that it was done healthily and you have inspired me to be more healthy in my own eating style.
I have to commend you for your excellent work. I also have to say to the first comment that I believe she is mistaken, I wonder if she has spoken to you throughout the 8 weeks, or if she/ he, knew you before then. I think you are magnificent and I like what Haley said, you deserve a little extra grease after all that hard work.
I'm glad to know you and know that such awesomeness exists.
-Hannah
Zori,
ReplyDeleteWe have never met, so I hope to give you an unbiased opinion. I think what you're doing is amazing!! And you're doing it the right way! Eating healthy, exercise and a set plan to reach your goal(s). From what I can tell from reading your blog, you've been through a lot. Overcoming a disorder like bulimia is extremely difficult. I happen to have a number of friends growing up that suffer from the same disease as well as anorexia. The definition of competing - Strive to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others who are trying to do the same. Competitions are never easy. They're not supposed to be. From what I understand, you came in 7th out of tons and tons of people. Be proud of that! Hang your hat on it. You don't have to always win to come out on top. The important thing to remember is you are doing this for you. Not for anyone else but yourself. And at the end of the day its about being proud of yourself for how far you've come and what you've been able to accomplish. I think it's exceptional that you are able to write about your feelings, struggles, successes and so forth with some of your closest friends. That takes a ton of courage. Be proud of that as well. From what I can tell, you're surrounded by many people that truly care about you and your well-being. In regards to your trainer, she sounds like she knows what she is talking about. She has been there before. She knows the ins and out of these types of competitions. I'm not sure seeking therapy is a good idea. In my experiences with some of my friends, unless you begin to find yourself lying about what you're eating, your workout plans, and to your friends and family, therapy is not a solution. Keep up the good work!