Self Image

I know we all have a version of ourselves that we see... Whether its accurate or sadly blown out of proportion it exists.

I've been mulling over this since Saturday, when we went to the beach together as a family...

It was beautiful out, and of course I wore my new bikini. At first I planned on just taking off my tank top, and wearing the shorts I had on over my bottoms but at some point I changed my mind and took off the shorts. And I just about had a panic attack.

I'm still not ok with being that "naked" in public. Yes, I realize that I was wearing some cloth on my body, and I do mean some cloth, because lets face it bikini's leave NOTHING to the imagination.

As long as I focused on Steven and Matthew I was ok. I just blocked everyone else out of my mind... Taking pictures of the two of them playing, and joining in on the fun myself helped keep me from hyperventilating, but at some point I had to be polite and recognize others on the beach with us. And the voices of self doubt would start.

"Your too white." "Your thighs are fat." "Your stretch marks are ugly." "Your extra skin on your tummy is showing."

Basically everything that makes me want to find the nearest mu-mu and hunker down in the sand where no one can see me.

No matter how much I've changed my outward appearance I still hear those voices from my past.

And then I pushed myself so far outside of my comfort zone its not even funny. I needed to go to the bathroom and the only public restroom was all the way back up the beach in the parking lot... Instead of putting on my shorts and tank top, I walked up the beach in nothing but my bikini carrying my flip flops for once I got to the asphalt. I'm pretty sure I hyperventilated the entire way there...

I kept singing songs to myself in my head, kept my head down, and repeated "not everyone is looking at you" to myself... You'd think I was back in high-school and 15 years old thinking that you are the center of everyone's attention. (btw, I've never been comfortable with being the center of attention for more than short periods of time with close friends, much less complete strangers)

Even writing about this experience has taken me the better part of 2 days because I don't like the idea of sharing this with people. But I know that I'm not the only person who feels something like this.

I've got a serious body conscious issue. And I have for so long I've forgotten what its like to not be worried about the way I look. I'm a bulimic, and have been since 8th grade. I say that in the present tense because it never goes away, even if you haven't purged in years - there are triggers that occur that make you consider doing it again... And part of what goes with having this body conscious issue is the fact that I'm constantly worried about how I look in my clothing, or lack there of.

This Life-style Change that I've made, the whole loosing 50 pounds, has been a definite journey. I've done it the healthiest way I knew how. And I was very conscious the entire time that I wanted to do it as naturally as possible and that I had to be patient with myself. That it wasn't going to happen over night, and that to keep in off in the long run I needed to do this the right way. Those closest to me know that I purged for almost 2 years of my life, and I did have a few people ask if I was alright when they started noticing a big difference in my weight. I want to say that I never once during this change actually purge - but I hit a couple of walls during that year and a half in which I found myself desperately wanting to after splurging.

For me, the reason I'm putting this out there, is because I need to give it voice. I need to be able to tell others that I don't think I'm perfect. That I have had tough days, and days in which I thought that there was no way this was going to be possible.

I still have "fat days". Or moments in which I regret my clothing choices. I had a mini-melt down at the beach a couple of weeks ago with Matthew and Steven when I saw in the space of about 5 minutes 20 different women walk by with perfectly flat stomachs, tiny little bubble butts, and thighs that have never touched each other when walking... And then I reminded myself.

"I am not who I was." I have made a decision to live a healthy lifestyle so that I can be happy with myself, and happy in the life that we are creating.

So next time at the beach, as long as its warm enough and I have enough sunscreen to combat a nuclear fallout, I will rip off my bikini covering and run and play with Steven and Matthew in the surf. Until then, I will continue to work on my self image.