I've had time

to calm down, collect my thoughts, and try to organize them a bit. Though as usual I'm sure this post will get sidetracked and I'll have to get it back on track again.

I want to say thank you for the concern that friends and family have expressed. I realize for some people who haven't maybe paid a whole bunch of attention to all of my posts that they may think that I was hurting myself, or being unhealthy. I realize that you are concerned and I appreciate it, its un-founded but I appreciate it.

I started writing this blog with the intention of being as truthful as possible. When I decided to write about my experience prepping for and competing in a NPC sanctioned Bikini Contest I did so with the promise to myself that I would write about anything/everything that I chose to.

This was not easy, the whole thing. Figuring out how to balance workouts/home/work/energy reserves took a lot for me. Posting on here when I was having a "bad day" may have drawn attention to my actions more than I meant, BUT I wanted to post the GOOD and the BAD so that no one thought that this was cake.

mmmmm Cake....

Sorry :)

At first I didn't realize how many people might actually be reading this, and then I had more and more people send me private messages, or write on my wall and/or comment on posts. And I figured I needed to keep being honest, in case for some reason I managed to inspire someone else to do something like this. I didn't want anyone going in blind thinking, "Well Zori seemed to do it without any issues. She didn't have bad days, or days where she was hungry, or days where she didn't question her sanity. She didn't have 'fat days' or days where she was ready to throw in the towel and say 'F* it I'm done!' "

I had rough days. Days where I was at the gym screaming at myself in my head, because all I wanted to do was give up and say "I'm done". 2 hours of cardio will take it out of you, and its a good thing that people can't hear what was going on in my head because they would have thought I was crazy. I had days where I got done and was so jazzed that I wanted to keep going, but there is a 2-hour time limit on day care :) Most days I was fine with my food intake, I realize that saying "I survived on 1,100-1,300 calories" doesn't sound like much - but when you sit down and look at what I was consuming I for the most part wasn't super hungry. Lean proteins: tuna, salmon, chicken, lean beef, tofu, and nuts mainly. And TONS of veggies. Trust me, when Alyx would write down Lunch - Lean protein x 2, Veggies 100 calories, you might be surprised how many veggies it takes to equal 100 calories if your eating them raw without dressing of any kind.

Did you realize that there are vegetables that are considered a "negative vegetable"? Where it takes more calories for your body to process what you've consumed, then the amount of calories you actually consumed. I know there are more, but the 3 that always stick with me are Celery, Cucumber, and Spinach.

Throughout this process I've been introduced to new vegetables (ones that I've never eaten/cooked with), and also new ways of consuming them so that I didn't get as bored with my food choices. Cauliflower is AMAZING when you substitute it for mashed potatoes - in fact, its a trick that I plan on continuing to use because I feel like I'm having comfort food without a whole lot of empty calories and a whole lot of useless carbs. Bok choi is something that I've never cooked with before, and in fact I'm not sure if I'd eaten it before 8 weeks ago - now I use it regularly in stir-fries along with tofu, sweet peppers, onion, mushrooms, and garlic.

I've developed eating habits that will stick with me, because I enjoy being healthy. I DID THIS. I started my weight-loss journey in July '09 on my own, making a lifestyle change instead of going on a diet. Diets FAIL! Because people completely deny themselves items for a long stretch of time, and maybe they start working out more, or more intensely for a while BUT at some point they loose all the weight that they were aiming for and gradually those items that they cut out come back into their diet. And then they gain weight back, and then they diet again. Yo-yo'ing is unhealthy, it shocks your system.

I chose to change what I ate, and how I eat it. Yes I still have "cheats", and for the most part don't feel bad when I give in to them - but I am human and I have those inner-demons that like to get the better of me at times. I eat cleaner now than I have ever before, I try to keep processed foods out of my diet and do my best to cook dinner, or Matthew cooks when I'm working, most nights. Canned soups are almost a thing of the past for me (one of my old fall back meals when I was busy), frozen dinners are gone, and most dairy is gone. Which considering I used to be able to kill a gallon of milk on my own in 3-4 days is impressive. But I realize that when I bring that stuff back into my diet my system goes haywire. When I'm not prepping for a contest carbs are brought back in, but honestly I don't hardly crave them anymore...

I think about food before I put it in my mouth, what am I going to gain from eating this? Does it give me short term energy, or long term? What am I looking for at the moment? Am I really hungry? (That one is very important to me because I tend to be a bored eater, or an emotional eater)

I personally don't think I have an issue with food, I have an issue with allowing myself to slide back down the slippery slope of gaining weight. EVERYONE in my family is over-weight. And I don't mean 5-10 pounds, but Clinically Obese, and I grew up thinking that was ok. I never thought about what I was consuming. The fact that I used to consume 2-4 soda's in a day was NOT ok. Snickers while I'm at the grocery store buying frozen pizza for dinner because I'm hungry now and don't want to wait while that sucker is baking, yeah sure sounds great.

My Aunt died 1.5 years ago, and she is probably one of my biggest reasons for getting and staying in shape. I don't think I ever saw her under 250 lbs. She had her first heart-attack before she was 40 years old. 7 stints, and 1 heart bypass later and her health was still for shit. Breakfast was diet-Pepsi, and dinner if my grandma didn't cook was either Mac'n'Cheese, Chili from a can, or Pizza delivered.

I thought that was normal.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be that kind of "normal". I want to be around for Steven. I want to watch my son grow up. I want to be an active parent, I enjoy going to the beach and running around with him (when I'm not being lazy because of the sun and making Matthew chase him). I LOVE the fact that he tells me he wants to grow up and "Be strong like Mommy" and "I want to have big muscles like Mommy" he wants to work out with me, and we do jumping jacks together, or race, he's trying to do push-ups but doesn't have the muscles for that yet. He has so much energy that I look forward to getting him in sports so that it helps to channel his energy and he isn't so spastic at home and playing with his friends in the neighborhood.

I realize that there are people who aren't going to understand the way I choose to live, that they enjoy going to McDonald's (ewww) and eating their Big Mac's and fries. That they live indoors, and their version of hard work is carrying in the 10lb sacks of groceries from their car. BTW, if you can carry a sack of groceries you can curl more than a 5lb dumbbell :)

So once again thank you for your concern, I'm glad that you care enough about me that you felt the need to speak up. But I don't plan on changing the way I choose to live my life. In fact today marks the first day of prepping for another contest in June. Thank you for your support, I love you all.